The Question of Authority

Several months ago, I started doing phone consultations via Keen.com. I have a few different listings, the most popular one being my expert advice on alternative sexualities in the Sexual Health category. It's really quite striking how different it is to chat with men about issues of sexuality using the label of sexual health advisor, as opposed to Mistress. The sense of deference, respectfulness and professional decorum I had wanted and expected as a domme is now there for me. It would seem that as I journey toward becoming an "expert" in the conventional sense - with a doctorate in psychology to back up my claim - I am finally finding the level of interaction which most suits me.

It is a shame that as a dominant woman, it is so hard to be taken seriously. When men would call me up as Mistress Xia, there would so often be rudeness and a passive-aggressive undertone, with the presumption that letting it all hang out sexually was completely acceptable and without the need to ask for permission. Well, look at the difference between Keen or Ingenio and the adult sister site Niteflirt - that says it all.

One interesting development in advising as a sex expert is the predominance of men who call wanting to discuss their first sexual experience with another man. of course, I get my fair share of callers who are into kink in one form or another. Yet this other group of men is new to me, in that they certainly did not reveal themselves in any great number during my session days. They are typically in their 40s or 50s, and often had never really entertained the thought of doing such a thing until spontaneously availing themselves of a serendipitous opportunity. Yet in the act itself, they find liberation through an unmatched intensity of eroticism and hang-up free pleasure-taking.

While I suspect some have had these inclinations lying dormant, without their conscious awareness, in discussing their previous interactions with women, I detect a pattern of submissiveness on the men's part and frigidity on the women's part. These men seem to be in need of having the other party be the aggressor, and not a lot of women fit the bill. Moreover, many American women are still quite repressed in their sexual expression, afraid that if they do more than just lay there they will be taken for a slut. And so it makes sense that as some men turn the corner toward middle age, and find that they have never really satisfied their sexual urges in an uninhibited, balls-to-the-wall kind of way, that they would turn to another man.

Sometimes gender roles can be such a troublesome barrier to having hot sex. And so not having to worry about that particular power dynamic can feel incredibly freeing. I am happy to report that pretty much everyone I have talked to on the subject is only minimally distressed by this development, and they typically leave the conversation feeling even better about it than before. For the most part, they are at peace and simply want to be able to express this secret joy with someone, knowing that it probably wouldn't make the best water cooler conversation with the other boys in the office.

I'm so jazzed to be back blogging. There are all these thoughts and ideas, big and small, that I'd like to share. That tap of creative energy has been turned back on and I am feeling like myself again. Thanks universe!

Pop Culture Tangents of Love & Hate

A former sissy of mine (former in that he no longer serves me - he still is a sissy!) turned me onto Lady Gaga. I just watched her Grammy performance with Elton John. I even got a little weepy, it was so beautiful to see a hitmaker who is also a true artist: provocative, multi-layered, fearless and extremely talented. The Fuse interview I watched of her only confirmed her astonishingly real presence, which makes so many of the others out there seem like mere hustlers in comparison.

It is so refreshing to see a freak-loving pop star really have fun with the elements of the genre. I think we've all grown a bit tired of the vapid popular girls of high school as a template for divadom.

Speaking of which, in an attempt to gauge the status of popular culture (and torture myself with shite), I occasionally channel flip. I found myself on the Disney channel watching the dead-eyed little sister of Britney Spears play just such a character on her own show. Let's forget about the fact that in real life, as a teenage mother, she's not the best role model. The dialogue on this show was mind-numbingly inane, reeking of suffocatingly conformist attitudes. But what really got to me is the way they portray this one character. She is obviously supposed to be the "smart girl," with her glasses and interjections of arcane information, which result in the obligatory "you're so weird" face cringes and eye rolls of everyone else. In one scene, she is french kissing a fat boy. He then asks her if she had tuna for lunch. She shreiks in embarrassment and madly applies breath spray to her mouth. What utter bullshit. Now that Disney has bought Marvel, I am scared of what they will do to my favorite femme comic book heroes and villains. Will they turn them into insecure idiots? I sometimes think these Hollywood players are so lost in their own game, where virtually every woman has to whore it or at least act like one, they forget that the real world (or at least the Bay Area - my refuge!) isn't nearly as fucked up.

I also recently caught up with the latest videos from Shakira. I first fell in love with Shakira when she was still a brunette ingenue and only singing in spanish. I memorized the lyrics to her "Donde Estan Los Ladrones?" album and it helped infuse the passion of the language within me. So it was with mixed feelings that I watched her transform into a blonde vixen, sexing it up and shaking her hips. I was afraid that she had turned into just another generic sexpot. All these years, I've kept my distance. Yet I was intrigued to read an article by her in a year-end report by The Economist about the schools she has started in Columbia. I decided to catch up with her. Watching her current videos, I see a rising maturity, a coming onto her own - I love seeing women emerge into their prime. Before she was a girl, not yet ready to flaunt her sexual power. But now it seems that she has learned to hone that energy, to celebrate it and use it for good. She knows how to play the game, while maintaining her strength and individuality.

These divas of our age - Beyonce, Lady Gaga, Shakira - play the same conceptual role as the famous courtesans of 19th Century France. They are unobtainable objects of desire, universally lusted after, emulated and adored, symbols of brazen feminine sexual power. And they are all doing interesting work at the moment, seemingly feeding off each other's creative impulses. It gives me hope, in some way, that this is happening. It's hard to see when we are in the midst of it, but this and other signs - such as the upsurge in well-written, intelligent shows for television - may be pointing to a cultural renaissance of sorts. We will see. . .

Back from Exile

It's been over a year since I last posted anything here. My self-imposed exile had a lot to do with moving on from professional domination and starting a new chapter in my life. But in the process, it seems I have also cut out my tongue. I've trifled with the idea of starting another blog under a different name. Yet here is a ready-made audience for me, and there certainly is a draw to knowing that my writing is actually being read! And so here I am, back to my musings in this half-veiled confessional.

Quite some time ago now, I had an acclaimed writer who was my friend, lover and submissive talk up the idea of starting a book. He had such an exalted confidence in me, it was a thrill to know that he thought I have what it takes to "make it" as a great writer. Yet when he walked me through what it might be like, the attention and the criticism in that literary spotlight, I felt myself momentarily live through the majesty and the scrutiny, and I found it all wanting.

Society loves the driven. Too bad I have so little to prove. As the years go by and I gain snippets of the unchanging wisdom which underlies the illusion of this world, I find myself buying into the accepted paradigm of success less and less. We are evolving and it is beyond me or any one person, or even species. I breathe, I move, I feel, I write, and life cycles on.

My exile was for another reason as well. There was a shrinking away, a filling with shame, a brief trip down a torrid and tormented path. It feels like a dream now, one which slowly, relentlessly transformed into something closer to a nightmare. Though I will never deny the bliss and the high adventure - and words can only approximate the finer edges of truth - the unmistakable judgment which eventually burst through the blindness of my self-control is that it was truly a bad romance. It's been months since it all ended, and I am still shaking off the mental fog of that hallucination. Writing again, no doubt, is part of that healing.

I'm back! Welcome to 2010 dear readers. More later, I promise.

~Namaste

Taking a Break from Blogging

Hello everyone. I wanted to let my readers know that I am taking a break from blogging. My head is in a different space at the moment, feeling the need for down time aware from the spotlight. Writing in this form has been a great passion, and I doubt this will be my last post (long-time readers may recall I've taken a few months off more than once since I started this blog in '03). I am doing well, busy with a new intellectual direction; feeling content, energized, filled with and surrounded by lovingkindness, faith and joy - and oh yes, still very kinky! For me, there is no denying the allure of power exchange. But well, I just want these experiences to be for myself right now.

Life can be so beautiful when we say yes and let that magic in. May all of you enjoy yourselves to the fullest learning, laughing, lusting and loving. Keep the faith! Until next time. . .
~Carpe Diem~

Getting through Finals

I have had requests to post something - thanks for your interest! I'm in the midst of finals, then out of town til the 11th. I will write when I can. Kinky dreams...

Midwifing Through the Bush Years

I've set up an auto-reply on my email and graciously passed on my tried and true to trusted cohorts. Months ago, I turned off my appointment line. And before that, I had already taken down my ads and commercial site. My decision to close this chapter of my life - sessions and dungeon rentals, interviews and checkpoints, inquiries and reviews - has been a long time in coming, as readers of my blog are likely aware.

My hesitation arose from my sense of caring and responsibility towards my cadre of submissives. I know all too well how much they put on the line by exposing their innermost secrets and offering up their bodies as they do. I would not say that the game of pain and subjugation attracts more dysfunctional souls than any other pursuit, it's simply easy to hide it there. So I felt it my duty to watch over my devotees, guiding and challenging them on their journeys of self-discovery, through the grueling moments to the heights of bittersweet, blissful surrender.

Yet there was a click. A sudden realization that I did not want to do this anymore and that I did not need to. A sense of relief, that I could let this go, because we had made it through the darkness into the dawn of a new age. In fact, it was the day after the presidential election. I didn't see the larger significance at first. Until I remembered how I got here. It was after 9/11 that I embraced my motto "carpe diem" and dared myself to live out my deliciously devious fantasies. Of course, there were other factors at that time, like the hot Eurasian pro-switch I made out with all night at Bondage-a-go-go who introduced me to the industry, then my best friend's sudden announcement of her desire to apprentice to a dominatrix, as well as my vanilla job fatigue, my boredom with swinging, and my desire for one last dash of frivolity at the end of my 20s.

But 9/11 and its aftermath had the greatest impact. I was working hard and playing even harder, popping ecstasy on weekends and jet-setting around to decadent parties full of beautiful people. Things were good, almost too good. It was like waking up from a dream. We were thrust into scary, ambiguous times. And we could not console ourselves with the certainty that we were still the good guys. I felt the grimness set in. I am quite sensitive to collective energy, to the flavor of the milieu. At times I wish this was less the case. But if felt right to tap into those tumultuous undercurrents, to connect with the pain and the suffering and the rage, as we hunkered down in our enslavement to an age of simple-mindedness and deceit. I midwifed through the Bush years, riding the dark waves as we all grew numb to hope. And so it is fitting that I felt this shift so completely - in my body, mind and spirit - the day after our historic election. The audacity of hope, indeed.

A New Era

Well, I got my birthday wish! So things are feeling very different for me now. Turning 35, losing a woman who was like a second mother to me last week, yesterday's historic presidential election and my impending entrance to grad school... You know, lately every time I write in my blog, I get an email from someone new who wants to connect. I just don't have the time or inclination, no matter how sweet or enticing these notes may be. It just feels like time to pull back.

This feels like a new era to me. I'm breathing a sigh of relief. And I'm finally admitting to myself that it's time to move on, even from my trusted, loyal stable.

To fans of this blog, no worries! You can't shut me up that easily ;-)

Requiem

For a brave, strong lady who fought the good fight 'til the very end. You inspired me with your fiery spirit and I will miss you.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

DO NOT GO GENTLE INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

-Dylan Thomas

Not Much to Say

I haven't been inspired to blog lately. Here and there I'll have a fleeting idea that I could run with, but nothing that really moves me to sit down and bang it out on the keyboard. There's lots of stuff going on in my life right now. And above and beyond my immediate predicament, I feel like I'm holding my breath waiting for this heart-stopping presidential election to be over. Things like blogging seem so small in comparison with the global financial crisis and this historic election. And I have been swamped with school as well. I guess my priorities are shifting.

I'm happy to report that I rarely think about anything having to do with professional domination these days. I used to compulsively check out Max Fisch and other sites to glean the latest gossip and news. Thankfully, I'm too busy now and have more pressing matters to take care of. Somehow I'm reminded of this old episode of the Twilight Zone that had these two kids swim from the bottom of their swimming pool to this magical land of children, where they were free from their parents' shouting matches, harsh recriminations and abuse. At first, they could still hear their mother's voice calling to them - and they could even go back if they wanted, so long as they could hear it - but with each day the sound faded a little, the door closing between the two worlds.

Busy with Studies, Happy to Move On

I am so busy with school, and this will likely be the case for the next few years! I am loving it, but it has given me less time to blog. I am still writing - summaries, analyses, arguments and reports. I find myself challenged in new ways in that respect. In the past, I'd always rested on my laurels, relying on my innate facility. But I am no longer interested in taking the easy way out. I know enough now to realize that often times the work involved is there for a reason, that each experience can be an opportunity to expand one's understanding and skills, and that shirking it off can end up only cheating oneself.

It makes me chuckle now to think how caught up I was in the pro domme gig. It was awesome and I have no regrets. But it is liberating to not be focused on that level anymore. I can't believe how much I had started to worry about how pretty I am and how competitive I had begun to feel towards other women. I mean, the gods gave me my looks and bisexuality so that I wouldn't have to be like that, for heaven's sake! Admittedly, I still take a peak at all the domme boards and review sites for a vicarious thrill. When I was in it, I couldn't stand to look at those things, I felt so laid-out bare vulnerable as someone in the business, the subject of pointless petty discussions on such vulgar topics as my strap-on technique. Ok I know I'm a bit of a hypocrite like that, to be sex-positive and disdain such things, but really it has to do with one's underlying philosophy and approach as a Mistress, and for me that meant attempting to instill a high degree of dignity and discretion to the craft. When the queen steps down from the pedestal to consort with the submissively-inclined and perverted, must she necessarily wallow in muck? I think not!

Another aspect of the work that I will not miss are some of the entanglements I found myself getting into with session playmates. I never did the dating thing in high school, having surmised that my male peers at the time were simply not mature or deserving enough to engage with. I was content to read my pornography and play with myself until I got to college. So what a bizarre surprise to find echoes of the sort of dysfunctional, childish relationships I witnessed but did not participate in during my teenage years - echoes in the random dynamics I fell into with so-called regulars. Thankfully, as I refined my outward presentation via my website and blog, I scared most of the less evolved ones away! But what a trip, to find myself dealing with such regressive behavior during the highly personal interactions which occurred in session, when I had so deftly avoided such silliness in my real life.

Meditating & Headbanging

Just got back from a three-day silent meditation retreat in the Santa Cruz mountains. It turned out to be mostly women, with a range of ages and races. We had a lovely circle, wisdom through the ages.

Communing with nature in stillness was great, but I must admit it was good to get back to our scarily exciting real world, with all the fantastical financial events going on around the globe.

Funny, I pulled up this video to play for myself when I got back - a song called "Total Immortal" by AFI. Perhaps a bit of yang to the yin of my retreat. Healthy vegetarian meals, refraining from violence of any kind including the killing of insects, abstaining from indulgences and intoxicants, bowing, bowing and more bowing - the peace, purity and respectfulness of it is beautiful.

Yet true Oneness embraces the whole, including the darkness.

As one who plays with sadomasochism and dominance/submission, I find myself attuned to the shadows as well as the light. This often is not addressed enough in spiritual inquiry, as if by ignoring it, it will go away, the unfavored twin of the circle. Or by condemning it, as many religions do, it will whither away in the glaring light. What a violent thing, to want to scrub everything clean. In the name of the holy, no less.




You know I used to be a metalhead when I was an angry teenager, went to Metallica's final And Justice For All concert and used to go to sleep to their song "Fade to Black." I guess there's still a little headbanger in me!

Yes on Prop K - Take a Stand for Sexual Freedom

All right dear friends, here we are with the first hints of Autumn in the air. So much change and flux everywhere. Whether it's a Chinese curse or a blessing, we are most definitely living in interesting times!

Amidst this goliath financial crisis and the culture wars of our upcoming presidential election, I have found solace immersing myself in my studies. It's been great to make new friends in my classes and connect with them on such a gratifyingly cerebral level. After my 6-year obsession with all things pro domme, it's awesome to switch gears and find myself discussing the ideas of Neitchze, Goedel and Freud on a regular basis.

But alas, there is always something to shake me back to reality.

I held my breath and felt my muscles tighten as one of my professors related a tale of a transvestite who was married to one of her patients. "He was wearing earrings... and woman's lingerie," she said, pausing with an arched eyebrow for dramatic effect.

Some details in life, one would rather forget. I guess it's a bit of cognitive dissonance, so as not to be reminded of harsher truths. Like the fact that sadomasochism is still listed as a disorder (classified as a sexual paraphilia) in the DSM - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, a handbook for mental health professionals. I mean really, does it make any sense to group consensual power play alongside pedophilia? Granted, this is the same manual that listed homosexuality as a disorder up until the 80s.

Another little fact that I too often try to ignore - that our sexual freedoms in this country are quite limited, particularly for women involved in sex work. Look at what's happening in New York, where yet another house of domination was recently raided and shut down. A 21-year-old domina was arrested for prostitution for allegedly offering a prostrate massage for money. Don't vice cops have anything better to do than turn their masturbation fantasies into reality? I have nothing to say that hasn't been said before, but it does sicken me, how the entire pro BDSM scene in Manhattan is being terrorized by law enforcement.

Which brings me to my final point. Vote yes on Proposition K and take a stand for sexual freedom! From The San Francisco Chronicle : "Voting yes on Proposition K to decriminalize prostitution - to prohibit the city from arresting prostitutes - will make it easier for sex workers to report violence to the police and improve public health. The decriminalization of prostitution was the main recommendation of the citywide San Francisco Task Force on Prostitution more than 10 years ago. A recent UCSF study found that 1 out of 7 sex workers in San Francisco were threatened with arrest by police officers unless they had sex with them, and 1 out of 5 reported that police officers paid them for sex. Clearly, the policing of sex work is problematic."

New Zealand legalized prostitution in 2003, and you can see from this article that the level of discussion surrounding this issue is much more reasonable, with less moralizing and hypocrisy.

It's time to stop being complacent and complicit, living in fear and allowing others to smear us with labels of "criminal", "deviant" or "immoral." It's time to make positive change for justice, fairness and freedom. Take a stand!

Brain Tripping

Don't believe everything you think. I saw that on a bumper sticker a few years ago and it really stuck with me. I was heavy into meditation at the time, experiencing that expansive state of being more than just my little self with its biases and blind spots. I was drawn to sit because of shoulder and neck pain which had turned chronic, finding that the meditation allowed me to relax my own resistance to the pain, thereby lessening it considerably. But the pain was still there. The remainder went away only after I realized that it was repressed anger and fear manifesting physically. Shining light on the real issues, the physical pain disappeared, it's job done. Amazing how our bodies never lie.

It's so good to be back in school. I love the feeling of engaging on so many levels, getting my head firing on all cylinders. Here's one concept that's intrigued me. Our brain does something called the summation of inputs. We process things both in parallel as well as heirarchically. Both within neurons and between them, sensory information is collected and collated. Every little bit of data is not sent to a central decision-making area. Rather, the different pieces are coalesced and merged. So at each level, new information is being created and then passed up to the next level. Our brains are like a corporation, with individuals compiling reports which are sent to their manager who then sends a report from his group to his manager and so on, the information edited to focus on priorities and discard the extraneous, until it reaches the final decision-maker. I like thinking of it this way, because it reinforces my skepticism about my own thinking. Sometimes vital information can get lost in the shuffle, ignored or prioritized incorrectly. We have been wired to believe our own thinking is infallible, our emotions tell us so, yet in many cases we need to re-check our premises.

I've heard of a study where they could detect the impulse which triggered a movement before our consciousness seemed to make the decision to move. Our awareness just seems to be in control, but perhaps is closer to a projection of the actual processing going on. It's like our avatar, a representation which we wholly identify as our self. Yet brain trauma can permanently change this personality (and drugs can temporarily alter it). Our personal predilections, tics and habits are based on the existing connections and biochemical balance which is us in this moment, yet ultimately maleable. If you've meditated for a long period, perhaps you've encountered a bigger you staring at yourself, timeless and not attached to that little persona.

I enjoy thinking of this form I inhabit as my avatar. Yes, the geek in me feels an affinity with the idea, made popular in the film 13th Floor and elucidated in a lecture I attended by Nick Bostrum, that we may be living in a computer simulation. Yet really what it does is help remind me not to overly identify with the happenstance of my creation, but rather to embrace my many blessings and continue to seek out enriching experiences in this world.

Talking Head or Porn Star?

I was in the gym earlier today, tripping on how garishly made up the female anchors are on the cable news networks. These talking heads look like contract-girl porn stars. I admit I can have a hard time focusing on what they're saying. It must be a bitch for serious fellows they are interviewing to concentrate! Not that those channels ever seem to have much to say. Whenever I flip over to them, it always seems to be about a pretty woman missing from some small town in America. The only news channel that makes me feel sane is CNBC. I guess it just seems like less bullshit, focusing on the economy, even when I disagree with their pundits. Of course, the women on there are hot too. But in a more sophisticated and real way.

I was watching storm coverage on Fox last night and the mini-skirted blonde anchorwoman and brunette meteorologist in red seemed to be engaged in a little ego tussle as they debated the impact of the back-end of the hurricane which hit the Gulf Coast. They reminded me of the kind of girls who hang out at bars in the Marina, all smiling and giggling in front of the guys. But run into them in the ladies room, when the mask is off, and it's the silent treatment or eyes shooting daggers, then maybe later a well-placed heel to the foot or elbow to the ribs if they don't like the attention you're getting on the dancefloor.

Californication & Sex Addiction

With the semester having started and me finally getting serious in my pursuit of a graduate degree, I've been a bit too distracted to write in my blog as of late. I do feel guilty when I don't write, yet I've learned to not to beat myself up too much. I've come to realize that whenever my writing gets more sparse, it usually means that I'm having my fair share of adventures and am fully engaged in my life. There's a trade-off between living deeply in the moment and stepping back to muse, analyze and create. I used to chide myself relentlessly for not applying myself more to my creative endeavors. That was before I began to appreciate that what really matters to me is savoring every moment of this wondrous, mysterious existence with which I have been gifted. Indeed, there is magic latent in the world, and I enjoy mining it.

In the end, everything else is dust in the wind to me. We drive ourselves to make our mark, our desire for fame and recognition a quixotic quest for immortality. We forget there is nowhere to run, nowhere to hide from our fear of the inevitable. Of course, there is more to achievement than just personal glory. There is the desire to share what we create and collaborate, to impart insight and publicly wrestle with the questions which nag us. So in a sense too, I feel a responsibility to my readers. Now I have been half-waiting to get those emails pleading with me to post something, as in "Please Mistress, your fans want to hear from you!" Somehow that always works like reverse-psychology and deters me even more. Ah well, I admit there's no winning with me sometimes.

I read the other day that David Duchovny checked himself in to rehab for sex addiction. I've been meaning to write about his new series "Californication," having caught the first season on disc. I really got into the first 6 or so episodes (the first of the 2 DVDs). It had witty dialogue, great acting, some heart-tugging drama and laugh-your-ass-off moments, and of course lots of T&A sex scenes. The story is about Hank Moody, a best-selling New York novelist with writer's block who lives in LA and drowns his sorrows (his longtime girlfriend/mother of his child's impending marriage to another man) by having sex with as many beautiful women as he can. The opening scene of the first episode has a nun going down on him (OK it's a dream sequence). There are more shockingly hilarious vignettes in the first few episodes, including a head-shakingly funny bedroom scene involving doggy-style sex and vomit, as well as a BDSM threesome gone awry with a hot Suicide Girl.

To paraphrase a few of the best lines from the show:

"What I want to know is why is this city so intent on destroying the female half of its population?" Hank Moody asks to himself, in response to all the plastic surgery and self-esteem issues he encounters in the women he sleeps with.

"Life is too short to dance with the fat chicks," his philandering dad tells him. Not PC but funny as hell (maybe because it is so un-pc).

The series winds down as you get into the second half of the first season though, with fewer sex scenes or hilarity, and more heart-heavy drama. This is when the chickens come home to roost. For underlying all the wicked sex is a very traditional, monogamous-based view of romantic relationships. Hank's original sin was that he never asked his girlfriend to marry him, so when someone finally did she said yes. His sexual compulsions cause him to be blackmailed and lose the faith of his daughter. We watch him suffer and do penance, reaping what he sowed. This is when I lost some of my interest in the show. These people were putting themselves and each other through hell, ostensibly in the name of love. They could see no other way. But I do. It's called polyamory. Hey, even Dr. Edel was talking about it on the radio today.

I wish David Duchovny well on his recovery. I bet he had the ladies throwing themselves at him extra-hard after "Californication" came out, what with all those inspiring sex scenes. I always thought he and his wife Tea Leoni looked like swinger types - they both are hot and seem like open-minded, intelligent people. I'm still formulating an opinion on sex as an addiction. Unquestionably, it can be a compulsion. Part of me wants to tell him "rehab is for quitters!" But seriously, sometimes things get a bit too extreme and we over-stimulate our reward centers, so moderation is key. It's just too bad that nowadays we can turn anything into a problem!

Sweet Sacrifice

A hottie named Mortisha turned me on to this song and video. Enjoy!

Life's Little Adventures

I love it when my sweet sexy friends turn me on to porn! A submissive girlfriend of mine sent me several titillating links to videos on YouPorn.com. Very nice. . .

I headed downtown yesterday to meet up with Ava Noir at the Four Seasons. We took our time grabbing a bite to eat and chatting in the lounge before heading up to the suite where her slave was being held captive, "forced" to watch porn until her return. We spanked him and treated him like a slut while he tried to impress us with Japanese phrases he'd learned on a recent trip to Tokyo, like "I have a big cock." We just laughed and Ava told him to be quiet as she wrapped him in a cellophane thong. It was good dirty fun, but we had to cut it short since Ava had a masseuse arriving shortly to give her a backrub in the room. We moved her slave to the closet and I said my good-byes, an extra spring in my step as I made my way through the lobby.

I was at a party over the weekend and got to talking to a friend of a friend. "Sorry if I was a little uptight when I arrived," I said after I'd loosened up with a few drinks, "There was this situation that I couldn't get out of my mind, but I feel so much better now."

"Are you talking about a client?" the woman asked. We were standing apart from the rest of the revelers and she spoke in a slightly hushed voice. I stood there looking at her, dumbfounded for a second, not wanting to blow my cover. I don't exactly advertise among my social circle that I'm a dominatrix. She looked around, then said "Nobody knows here. But you know I've done escorting, right?" I nodded as the memory of a previous liquor-soaked confession came into focus. She talked for several minutes about how the business messed with her head, how before she did it she felt more sexually bold and free but nowadays she gets uncomfortable when a guy begins to express an interest in her sexually, worrying that that's the only thing he sees in her. It sounded like she needed a transitional "let's just hug" relationship to help her heal. As the conversation winded down, she said, "Look if your situation needs a little extra oomph, I'd be down to double anytime." "Really?" I asked, half incredulous that after telling me her sob story, she was offering up her services. "Like tomorrow?" I said, knowing I wouldn't take her up on it. "Yeah, I could do tomorrow," she said, a little fire lighting up in the corner of her eyes. I could have shaken her, told her "Snap out of it! You just finished law school. You've gotta pass the bar. Move on!" But well, that's not my style. Ah who knows, some urges seem to need to run their course.

Between working at dotcoms and starting the pro domme gig, I had worked as the personal assistant to a wealthy Chinese businessman and nightclub owner. He was a maniac, my first day of work he was on the phone with a tabloid leaking information about his Hollywood celebrity father-in-law who he was in a legal battle with over his mother's estate. In his luxury apartment on top of Nob Hill, he'd smoke speed out of a broken lightbulb - during meetings with straight-laced business associates! I would arrive in the morning to find evidence of the previous night's debauchery, often including pictures of strippers I knew from the swinger scene who he paid to come home with him and party. I've fucked that girl in the ass with my strap-on, I'd think as I flipped through the images. The Filipino doormen downstairs always made snide litte remarks insinuating that I was his whore, which completely annoyed me. Of course, my tenure did end when this blonde Asian with fake tits started sleeping with my boss and doing his paperwork, rendering me obsolete. I knew she wouldn't last, but I said my sayonaras and hightailed it to my next adventure. . . and that would lead me to The Gates.

Coming from the Heart

I am not someone who hangs out in the larger BDSM community. Instead, I have cultivated a few close friendships with others who also endeavor to approach this lifestyle from a place that is heart-centered and life-affirming. So it disappoints me when I hear stories of mistreatment from fellow players.

Of course, it may seem obvious to some that explorations of the darker side of the sexual psyche could lead to dysfunction. Yet I think it's such a cop-out to abuse the trust and vulnerability integral to this kind of play. It's all about the mind fuck. And as such, when compared to erotic exchanges that are based on a purely physical-sexual level, there's more room to get hurt and therefore a greater responsibility on the part of the participants, particularly the tops.

When I engage in power exchange, I am seeking to know myself better as well as connect in an authentic way with another being. Yet what I have seen is that these same rituals can be used as a substitute and barrier to intimacy. It can become a means of maintaining separation between oneself and the other. This other may be defined as client, male, caucasian, straight or vanilla person - whatever the label, it serves to dehumanize and distance, blocking true empathy.

I can see the defense mechanisms at play in this process, and recognize that many pro dommes protect themselves by creating these barriers, which they may regard as necessary boundaries. Yet disconnecting from those we choose to engage with only leads to our own emotional isolation. I have watched some move further and further away from mutual understanding with those who session with them, leading to bitterness as honest communication falls on the wayside.

What's troubling me most right now is to hear stories of how friends, who by no means fit into the alpha role within the dominant paradigm, have been subject to real cruelty and prejudice - in the lifestyle, as clients and as pros. These are people who already have to deal with judgments from society at large because of their race, size, age, physical ability and (trans)gender. What is it that makes people want to abuse those they perceive as defenseless? What joy does one get out of mistreating the less powerful? How heart-breaking to bare one's most precious secrets, only to have it thrown back in your face and made to feel wrong for being who you are, whether wanting to submit or top. What gets me is how some people act so proud of their "daring" alternative lifestyle, yet with their actions end up reinforcing conventional heirarchies and discrimination. I'm not talking about un-PC roleplays (which can be very hot), but about playing into the hands of close-mindedness and hatred.

When I top someone, I want to acknowledge their power. I want to pay respect to it by not assuming they're easy to conquer. I want to mentally and physically tussle until I have their submission. It makes the dynamic an earned rather than performed experience. That's the problem with so much pro play. It's thought of more as a performance than an encounter. So much of the good, juicy stuff gets lost in this illusion. And so much hurt can happen when playing mind games without heart.

Working the Kinks Out

A friend of mine - let's call her Dara - was training to be an aesthetician and offered to give me a free facial. I happily obliged. As we chatted during the appointment, Dara told me she needed more practice with men's bikini waxing. Knowing what I do, a lightbulb went off in her head. "Wait a minute! You must have some guys I can work on," she said.

"Oh, I'm sure I could talk a few slaves into the idea," I said. "But do you really want to see my people?" I asked, conscious that while she was open-minded, my friend was quite the innocent.

"Just send them over. It'll be awesome!" she reassured me.

So I emailed a couple of my boys and encouraged them to set up appointments with Dara. Afterwards, I received giddy messages from both letting me know how much fun they had. One of my sissies even chatted about feminization with her. Dara also contacted me almost immediately afterward to thank me for the referrals, letting me know how sweet they both were. "Somehow I could tell they were your slaves," she giggled.

I hadn't realized how powerful and titillating it would be to send my submissives off to be worked on by a friend, that it would in some ways be an extension of the existing dynamic between us. I think it must have felt pretty liberating knowing that they could be themselves with a trusted friend of mine.

The very act of waxing is sadomasochistic in and of itself. I hadn't realized how much so until I had it done. Dara convinced me to return the following week for my first bikini wax ever. I wanted to find out how it feels to have your pubic hair ripped out by the roots. I was thrown off by how much it hurt, letting out a little scream until I learned to cover my own mouth. Even after the disturbingly hot wax was pulled off, she wasn't finished until the remaining stray hairs were plucked out with a tweezer. Wow.

It's funny when we can turn normally vanilla situations into a kinky fieldtrip! Of course, consensuality for any overt acts is important. But along these same lines, one of my tried and true sent me a note about his experience at the dentist's office:

The dentist and her assistant were making a couple of soft castings of my mouth and during that process poured warm molten silicone rubber into my mouth and then used a lot of force and TLC to get it out once it had cured. They must have thought I was crazy to be smiling during this very uncomfortable process, but I thought it very cool to be subjected to this. Of course I didn't tell them that I'm quite used to having intelligent, beautiful women forcing silicone rubber products in and out of my mouth with semi-regularity.

Since winding down from the pro scene, how I go about my days could aptly be described as "lifestyle" kinky. Meaning that situations have become more free-flowing, less restricted to the dungeon and more integrated into my everyday life. Admittedly, I've always hated the word "lifestyle" and how it was used in a snobby sort of way to distinguish oneself as better than more commercially-oriented dommes. I've been fortunate in that I was not raised to buy into convention, so my lifestyle has never really been vanilla. And I've bristled at how alternative culture can simply replace one type of uniform and stereotyped thinking with another. But I suppose "lifestyle" can, at times, be a useful delineator.

Whatever you call this hybrid existence, I am enjoying not having to adhere to any industry standard, protocol, peer pressure and the like. I am enjoying not stepping outside myself to critique my performance in anticipation of a review, or otherwise getting bogged down in the hustle of it all.

I am revelling in connecting with my wants, not my shoulds. I am playing with people I deeply care about, trust and respect. Surprising and delighting myself with each discovery, I am unearthing new dimensions to myself, tapping into novel avenues of exploration and cultivation of my personal power. Working the kinks out is a very good thing...

Know Thyself

Know thyself. We are all familiar with the dictum. Yet I've come to see how difficult it is to maintain clarity in relationships closest to oneself. In particular, I am struck by our seeming inability to perceive clearly in three key relationships: with our individual selves, with our significant others, and with our family. There just seems to be too much attachment in these situations, leading to a sort of funhouse mirror effect on our ability to reflect back a shared reality.

I first started noticing a pattern to these blindspots in people during my observations of other women in erotic work. Most of us seem to need to put blinders on of one sort or another to justify ourselves, likely due to the lack of support in society as a whole for what we do. "What's up with her? I just don't get her. I feel like she's not really there," I was telling a mutual friend of a new girl at The Gates, back in the days when I worked there. I prided myself on being able to figure out what made everyone tick and act accordingly, but this woman remained a cypher to me, especially after an awkward double session together.

"You know, I thought about this a lot," my friend said, "It's weird because she can be really insightful when helping me sort out stuff going on in my life, but she can't make sense of her own predicaments. One time she thanked me for giving her great advice and I told her I just thought of what she would say to me under the same circumstances. There's this blurriness there when it comes to trying to understand herself, especially her self image in relation to men." She was not alone.

There was a woman who interviewed with me to be an apprentice dominatrix. A pretty young Eurasian just out of college, she had been stripping for the past five years and wanted to try something different. I was taken aback by how sweet and innocent this woman seemed to be, and as I talked to her I learned that it really wasn't an act. "Just so you know, this work is not about explicit sexuality. I have friends who escort, but this is not what it is," I said to her.

"Oh my God! I would never be friends with someone who does that!" she wrinkled her cute little nose in disdain. We ended our lunch on friendly terms, but she didn't follow up (she seemed disappointed when we talked about the money involved in session work). I ran into her a few weeks later at a swinger-themed dance party that was being thrown in one of the City's strip clubs. "See that older woman over there," she pointed to the stage where a hot Sandra Romain look-alike writhed topless, grinding against another woman. I appreciatively took in her olive skin and porn star rack, as well as the lusty sneer on her sultry face. "She tried to hit on me the last time I was here, but I think she's a prostitute." My stripper acquaintance said this last word with a snarl, almost like she should spit afterwards to get the bad taste out of her mouth. Later on, I saw her lap-dancing her date in a secluded area. It puzzled me, this strange mix of overt sexuality and prudishness, yet I would come to see it time and time again (even in myself!). It's like we tell ourselves that we're still good girls even though we do this and this, but if we do that - that awful thing! - then we are a bad girl and shame shame shame! My goodness, it's kind of ridiculous isn't it?

This inability to see things clearly when they hit closest to home marks our relationships with our family and significant others as well. I've read that there is a "primitive" society where children are never raised by their biological parents, but by their aunt and uncle instead. They believe the parents and children will have a better relationship for it, and that the aunt and uncle will not have the same attachments (i.e. over-identification) which can get in the way of nurturing independence and autonomy in the child.

"I told him you tell him that. He won't listen if it comes from me," a woman was telling me how she got her husband to take some much-needed advice by having a friend do it for her. The interdependence of our egos and the delicate balance of power in our relationships with significant others can sometimes call for such diplomacy. And the spelling out of overidentification in the form of traditional marriage (e.g. the woman changes her name to the man's name) makes seeing clearly that much more difficult, as spouses begin to think of one another as each other's possessions. I've always marvelled at how men I've met through my professional play seem delighted to hear of my latest exploits, and I've heard the same from other women in the work. There is this pure joyfulness in hearing of our pleasures, no attempts to control or restrain. So different from how most of us approach our "real" relationships. But of course, it doesn't have to be that way. Many of us are exploring new ways of being together through polyamory aka (but not necessarily the same thing as) swinging - I have many thoughts on this topic, deserving of its own post later. Have a great weekend!

Knowing and Mystery

I headed out to the redwoods last week, practiced a little mountain biking skills on some trails. I always enjoy learning new things. It's like being a virgin again. There is a balance at play, between forging on with what is established and breaking new ground. Sometimes we get stuck in a rut, other times we're too busy chasing novelty. But when we get it right, we're firing on all cylinders, making the most of what we know and what we are still discovering.

I am always wanting to know. To break through the mysteries. Well, at least I've figured out enough by now to realize that there is no holy grail, no answer to be found on this plane about why we are really here and what is the meaning of my life. So I am learning to enjoy not knowing. The mysteriousness which has worked to compell seekers to me -- the faceless Mistress with her provocative words and images -- is the same quality which I now embrace in myself. In those moments when we are stripped down of our preconceptions and projections, when neither our book knowledge or street smarts can point the way, when we are laid bare-naked in our beingness, illusion falling away to pure energy contained in these walls of flesh and bone... that is when I feel closest to the divine. It can happen in the most unlikely of circumstances, and usually does.

#

I had endeavored for a month or so to write an account of my pro domme experiences. I decided that it's too early. I am still processing it and do not yet have the benefit of hindsight. One of my friends has told me how much she appreciates that I can completely change my opinion on a subject. And I do believe our fervant insistence on consistency is a plague on our ability to think creatively and explore critically. Yet for a published work, I want to have a certain degree of stability in my philosophy. Years later, I don't want to have to disavow its point of view, prematurely drawn and hastily concluded.

The effort also underscored another push-pull relationship: between looking inwardly to create and looking outwardly to learn. Like I think about how, instead of waiting patiently as my snake tried to break the seal of its old skin during a molt, I sat down on the computer to write about it, thus missing the actual event. That's not what I want, to be holed up away from the living, breathing world as I get lost in the mirror of my own thoughts. It isn't time for that yet.

I've also come to realize how important it is that my writing be about sharing my insights and elucidating my understanding of the world as a kinky, polyamorous woman trying to live out her truth in this age of wall-to-wall vanilla sexuality and monogamy for show. I don't want to be just another person climbing on top of a mountain shouting "Look at me! Pay attention to me!" If I wanted that, I could join a reality show. No, I want to highlight my journey and help guide others who feel lost in this wasteland of both suffocating restrictions and out-of-control mores.

We all hold up our sacred cows. I used to think to be an acclaimed writer would be such a big deal. Yet like everything, it is what it is and no magic pill. I have come to realize that I have a unique perspective afforded by my knowledge and experience in the areas of the modern spiritual movement (that is, the one aligned with meditation, self-awareness and traditionally Buddhist ideas), the cutting edge of technology and philosophy (accelerating change and the singularity, Craig Venter) and sexual freedom and other pleasures (BDSM, sex work, polyamory, club culture), all with the skeptical eye of a born-outsider rooted in the testy soil of Hollywood and nourished in the sensitive hands of San Francisco.

I want to share what I know, while giving myself room to stay out there and learn from the greatest teacher there is - my own direct experience. I believe we are each a learning organ of the universe, and that the knowledge we possess contributes to the evolution of a shared consciousness. And oh how much fun we can have in the process - amen to that!

Simple Pleasures

I took in the warm weather and good music on the bay this weekend at one of the summer day parties which I look forward to every year. I wore a batik sundress that flowed against my body's curves and let the sun's rays heat my skin, and couldn't help but feel appreciated by all the compliments I received.

Club culture is really my natural playground. From extended family celebrations in childhood to my kiddie raver days to the more sophisticated gatherings of the present - dancing, chatting and lounging with a community of like-minded souls has always been a part of my life. When I was deeply involved (read: obsessed) with my pro domme career, I let a lot of that fall away. The rush of taking on this role of "dominant on demand" temporarily replaced my other outlets for connection. I guess we all get caught up at times. Now I feel like I'm finding myself again.

I've been having fun playing the femme in pretty dresses spiced up with touches of my own unique style. There is something so innocent about taking in the sweet admiration of those moved by my appearance, without that undercurrent of an ulterior motive that comes with being more than just an amateur at seduction. I revel in the simple pleasure of flirtatious compliments from strangers in polite society, the rush of mutual attraction from furtive glances and nuanced body language, the victory of achieving an intriguing sartorial balance of self-expression and the fashion zeitgeist. When I consider what to wear for an event, I allow my mood to guide me, delighting in all the clever little ways we can convey our feelings in our dress. Slight shifts in fabric choice, cut, color and accessories can make a huge difference in messaging, changing the tone from assertive, to exotic, to sleek.

I'm fortunate that in my daily life, I am constantly reminded that I am blessed. Perhaps for some who turn pro, it's an opportunity to feel special. Yet for me, trying to fit into that commercial role squeezed out some of the complexity and artistry of my self-expression, dumbing down my assets for the masses. As I evolve into my next incarnation, I feel myself relaxing back into my natural confidence, wiping away the memory of having my body and face graded on a scale of 1-10 like an everyday product for consumption. When men pay, they are much more scrutinizing and critical. This is the ugly side of turning your womenly charms into a money-making enterprise. At a party, I only hear the good stuff. But when you put yourself out there on the market, you hear the bad stuff too.

Men don't really get how sensitive women can be to this process of evaluation because they haven't been trained their whole lives that their value is intrinsically tied to their physical attractiveness - I suspect most men would have an easier time than most women giving a number rating to their appearance. We are taught that it's ok to poke fun at a man's bald spot or paunch, but that it is extremely rude to do the same with any part of a woman's appearance. We are not allowed to laugh at women's exterior, maybe that's why there are so few ladies in comedy. Women are trained to have a hair-trigger sensitivity to criticism about their appearance, and that certainly doesn't engender a good sense of humor.

So perhaps the trial by fire that women in the entertainment industry are put through is good for them, facing that achilles heel of our fixation on beauty. That may be so, but I have to say I am enjoying my newfound freedom away from the harsh glare of the professional arena. There is both a heightened subtlety and refinement in real-life encounters, as well as an unpredictability and rawness from the unscripted, and the extra leverage to be had as a lifestyle pleasure-seeker. I'm too spoiled by my real life to have stayed a strictly session-based Mistress, which in the end could only satisfy on one level. It feels like I'm melting back into my true role as a radiantly multi-dimensional, intellectually inquisitive, creatively driven woman of the world - and that much wiser for my experience in the trenches.

I am diving back into a regular meditation, yoga and non-violent communication practice, as I am wanting to fully process and understand the roller coaster ride of these past few years. I am giving myself time to step back and see the bigger picture, placing my journey as a pro domme in the greater context of my life as a polyamorous, spiritual adventurer, integrating the positives and shaking off the rest, and endeavoring to come to a meaningful exploration and assessment of it all.

My World

I got a call the other day from one of my submissives, someone who has known me for several years now. He was on his way to buy a massage table to keep in his house for me. It made my day to know I have such dedicated attendants in my life. Although he has been devoted to me from the beginning of my pro domme days, I only recently allowed him to serve me again in scene, our dynamic's temporary demise the unfortunate side effect of an accidental acid trip. Oh yes, I do have some good stories...

I was lounging in the park with another of my dear submissives, and we mused about how life is sometimes like a BDSM sitcom. During one of our first play dates, I pulled down his pants to find the word "owned" carved on his ass! He had nervously told me beforehand how a recent scene with a friend went too far, and I knew he was worried about my reaction as I examined him. Not really knowing him at the time, I half wondered if this was some bizarre test to see if I'd freak out. In the end, I had a good laugh teasing him about it.

I've been enjoying sharing a nice meal with my submissives. People used to bug me for this, wanting to make a potential session contingent upon going out to dinner. I always refused, sensing that these strangers were more interested in "flexing their muscles," acting romantic (gag), or reinforcing the conventional paradigm as the waitstaff automatically deferred to them, the male in the party. No, it had to come from me, with my tried and true only. It was quite hilarious to watch one of my minions hem and haw when asked to make a decision. "I don't know. You're the expert, you work here. Why don't you decide?" he said to the waitress. It made me realize how much fun can be had at a restaurant, subtly training the waitstaff to direct their attention to me by having my submissive say things like "She's the boss, I'm just here for the ride."

It feels really good to step out of the professional limelight and sit back, enjoying the beautiful relationships I've developed with my chosen few on a much more lifestyle level. It's liberating to be able to take my sissy to the mall, a TENS unit secretly strapped to his privates, while we peruse the latest Victoria's Secret fashions for him. The sales lady doesn't even blink, assuming the 34Bs she's ringing up are for me.

I had thought I would still allow the occasional pro session with former non-regular clients who've seen me before at The Gates. But after one of them recently posted an unauthorized review, I've concluded that a few bad eggs make this an untenable option. I believe that even the most glowing of reviews, done without my permission, is an invasion of my privacy and a signal that the writer of said review does not truly believe or respect my position as a dominant.

When they can jabber on about what an enchanted goddess/all-powerful mistress/blah blah blah to my face and then write about me as a "provider of services" behind my back - I just don't understand some people. It seems like this last reviewer wanted to contradict the announcement of the closing of my stable, letting the guys know that not only am I still an object for public consumption, but that you don't even have to call me "Mistress." Oh really! Isn't it enough to have the privilege of a private meeting with me, why do you have to go write about it on the equivalent of a men's bathroom wall? And then they wonder how I figure out it's them, when I send them the letter of their banishment, letting them know that they have irreparably damaged the trust between us.

I ran into two lovely ladies of The Gates recently at a social event. One lamented to me how hard it was for her to take the reviews. "I remember you said I should never read them," she said, "But when I read them, it's like I see the real power dynamic. I realize I don't really have the power, even though I think of myself as the dominant one."

"No, that's just bitches getting their revenge," I tell her, "They're uncomfortable with their own submission, so they have to re-tool it after the fact as them being served by you. It is one perspective, but not the perspective. Yours is as valid as theirs. Don't buy into it."

Afterwards, I follow up with an email letting her know many esteemed artists, including a highly regarded director, no longer listen to what the critics say about them. They know holding onto the integrity of their vision is key to their being able to continue with their work.

I write to her: "Keep your vision of what you do, don't let a few online trolls taint it for you. The truth as much as anything is that you are using them for your satisfaction and gain. Don't let them pull you into their world, unless you consciously have decided you want to know. And who says just because knowledge is available we should know it. Do you need to see grisly pictures of a crime? It happened. It's true and real. But you are better off without being traumatized by that particular truth. As long as nothing overtly incorrect is being stated (eg more sensual than you get) leave it for them. It wasn't meant for your eyes anyway. I can even have my sub read any new reviews you get on the three main sites and vet them for you - just let me know."

Don't let them oppress you with their words. You will be able to hang in there longer, if you don't expose yourself to it. Take back the power and remember why you love this so much! As for me, I have no regrets, but am relieved to no longer give a shit. I have insulated myself well, surrounding myself with great people who share the same values of authenticity, intelligence, creativity, honesty, caring and discretion. Though I know I can never stop other people from doing what they do, I am content to wash my hands of it and move on. The volatile events of seven years past pushed me to embark on my pro domme adventure, knowing that we must celebrate our lives today in this very moment. And that same drive keeps pushing me further. Carpe diem baby!

On Driving (and monkeys)

"People are afraid to merge on freeways in Los Angeles." I am thinking about the opening line in Less Than Zero, that seminal novel for me and so many other kids growing up in LA in the 80s, as I drive away from San Francisco. I am in the lane to the right of the fast lane, musing on how I like this lane better because there is less pressure to put the petal to the metal if someone is trying to ride up your ass. I figure the speed freaks behind me can jump over to the fast lane, which is wide open anyway.

Of course, I look in the rearview mirror and see someone is breathing down my neck. It just amazes me how many people seem to lack basic knowledge of physics - that for every doubling of speed, you are going to need four times the distance to stop (given the same amount of time). It never fails to disturb me when I find that people I know and consider to be thoughtful and considerate are actually terrors on the road: tailgating, cutting off cars, getting into a hissy fit over other drivers. I get the sense that the way we drive is a good glimpse into our inner selves. Sadly, it's often not a pretty picture. Coasting down a hill, letting the momentum take me, all around me cars are lurching and braking, using up all that precious gas. That jittery, greedy mind which stutters, hiccups and howls, always wanting more, more, more...until we suck this planet dry.

So this car is still tailgating me. Why doesn't it just pull into the fast lane? It finally does. I am keeping pace with the car in front of me and we have a respectable distance between us. Despite the fact that the fast lane is wide open in front of and behind him, the car now jumps in front of me. Maybe he (or she) gets nervous being alone in the fast lane, who knows? I laugh as he starts in on car that'd been ahead of me. Eventually, he gives up his pressure tactic and switches back over to the fast lane.

Taking this little incident further in my mind, I wondered what if this driver didn't wise up and change into the faster lane? What if he just kept accelerating dangerously close to the car ahead of him? The other driver could do nothing different, satisfied in the knowledge that if anything happened, it'd be this fool's fault. But for safety's sake, the other driver would likely change into a slower lane to avoid a mishap.

Our cars are lethal weapons, so staying the course when another driver is being overly aggressive is basically stepping up for a duel. Yet many of us would not back off. We've been taught that to do so is to be a coward. That the courageous thing to do is defend your righteousness and not back down. But is that really courage - to act suicidally, even homicidally, to make your point? Well when you put it that way Mistress, of course not! But our relationship with cars is strange because the rules of engagement we use on the road can often seem less rationale and more pushy than how we are face-to-face. There's a strong ego-involvement with our cars: with the way they look, with the way we drive them, and the way we react to other drivers and their cars. It's like how it's so much easier to flame people online rather than insult them to their face, we have that extra layer insulating us. Obviously, with cars this is a false sense of security.

In the western world, more people die in car accidents than anything else. Yet we fear and take measures against the abstract and the rare, not the everyday. When we drive, the first thing on our mind should be protection of ourself and others. What this means for a lot of people is protection not of their body but of their ego. Look at how we project our egos onto our vehicles. We merge our identities with them so completely, we say things like "Look at that car! Did you see what he did? He's crazy!" It's really quite extraordinary how we talk about the car and the driver as if they were one and the same.

People often like to criticize modern society for being too herd-like. But when I drive, I see how uncooperative we can be as a herd! Does that sports car zipping across lanes think he's exercising his individuality by threatening all our lives? Or how about that SUV driver with the glaring headlights, isn't she just affirming her right to be seen and recognized? It's absurd how we get it all mixed up, asserting our desire for individuality when safety should be first, yet moving with the herd on such personal issues as sexuality. Sometimes I wonder how we can be so bone-headed.

I am reminded of animal behavior I studied in my zoology class. In some ways, we are not so different. We are creatures like the rest, constantly jostling for position in the social heirarchy, staking out our territory and seeking to make ourselves attractive to potential mates, just as our fellow earthly brethren do. It's given me a better perspective on people and helped me to not take negative interactions so personally, to realize that a lot of what the average person does is motivated by these endless games, hardwired into us. It's funny how we often overlay logic and reason on our decisions after the fact, to justify actions which may have had more instinctive origins.

We have much to learn about ourselves. Perhaps as we evolve, we can align ourselves more with the peaceful, sex-loving, female-empowered bonobo monkeys and less with the violent, male-dominated, rigidly heirarchical chimpanzees. Out of our two closest primate relatives, I'm betting the bonobos are the better drivers.

Euphoric, Inquisitive, At Ease...

Euphoric, inquisitive, at ease... I am feeling all these things at the moment. Euphoric because I'm having fun again with my play. Inquisitive to see what new directions my latest adventures take me. At ease with this period of flux and change, yet focused on continuing my learning and growing to better myself as a person.

I went through this period of bitterness about my pro domme work, which infected all my erotic interactions. Perhaps a necessary come-down from such a long time of flying high with it. I had to step back and extricate the things that really were a part of me from the things I took on in playing that role. To even say that it was a role would have been heresy to me just a short while ago, I had I merged my identity so completely with being Mistress Xia, I believed my own propaganda.

It's taken me a while to find myself again. I am slowly teasing out the real from the artifice; the genuine from the mere performance; the "shoulds" embodied in industry standards and protocol with the "wants" of my heart's desire. Learning is such a fascinating process. We set out to know, but since we do not yet know, what we are looking for cannot be preordained. Rather, if we allow ourselves to let go into unknowingness, the truth unfolds before us like a mystery unveiled. In the end, we often end up in a completely different place than we imagined. That's part of the magic of life.

I feel liberated now that I am playing by my own rules, making them up along the way. It's so much easier for me now, away from the glare of the public eye that is cast upon actively practicing pro dommes. The reviews, ads, new inquiries, gossip - I am glad to be done with it, even if it doesn't always seem to be done with me!

I recently refused someone who has served me in session before. In his previous email to me he had included a link to an escort and asked if I could be a reference for him. I told him I thought it inappropriate and distasteful that he would presume to introduce me to this aspect of his sex life, lumping all of us "providers" in the same boat. I know I wouldn't be comfortable having him serve me again. Maybe I'm a bitch and a hypocrite, but that's how I feel. And what is this about anyway, if not my feelings as a Mistress? Is it wrong that I want to feel special? That I want my slaves to act as they would with a proper lady, waiting for any permission I may give before bringing it down to a more casual/crude tone rather than assuming that I am all right with such things? I ask because even I don't know. It's a curious process, trying to figure out all this uncharted territory...

What I do know is that right now, I am having fun again. The little censor in my head which used to monitor my "performance" to make sure I was acting "dominant enough" is creeping away, no longer needed because the people with me aren't there with some ulterior motive to suss me out as a pretender. It's amazing to truly relax into my role, knowing that we are all comfortable with the flow of the power dynamic and not fixated on the "right" and "wrong" way to play. I fell into the trap of buying into that spirit-defeating game of trying to please the peanut gallery, rather than staying true to myself. Thank the Goddess within that I have come to my senses. Sweet times ahead!

"Battlestar Galactica" Satisfies. "Secret Diary of a Call Girl" Tantalizes

I just got caught up to the latest Battlestar Galactica. Wow! There is something about watching these ongoing, epic science fiction dramas (Babylon Five also comes to mind, though BSG is my fav) that can be so rewarding when they finally start to wrap things up. As a viewer, you've literally invested years following these characters and stories, cheering the daring, insightful plot developments along the way. With too many shows, I've had my hopes dashed as storylines veered off track from boldness, intelligence and originality to implausible or predictably neutered fare. Perhaps because BSG never drew the huge audiences of other shows, it has been allowed to stay true to its vision. Sci fi dramas like BSG allow us to thoughtfully explore the dangerous territories of us versus them politics and religion without all the baggage that comes from seeing it in "real-life" terms.

I caught a trailer for Showtime's Secret Diary of a Call Girl. It's interesting to note that while networks in the U.S. typically make homegrown versions of successful foreign shows, this one is simply the re-packaged original from the U.K. The cynic in me knows that lines like "Escort, hooker, prostitute, or whore, I don't care what you call me, that's just semantics" delivered with a smooth, upper-class British accent goes down a lot easier with Stateside audiences, somehow sounding more sophisticated than if those same words were pronounced with the more jarring tones of an American. I have yet to watch the series, but I will likely give you my two cents after I do.

Vibrators, Geeky Science & Saying Yes to Creativity

Last night just before midnight on cable, I saw a commercial the likes of which I have never seen before. It was for the Trojan Vibrating Touch Fingertip Massager. The ad had everyday-looking women, older and younger, advising each other on the wonders of the product. We've come a long way to "Sex in the City" marketing baby!

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Science geek alert: check out the Nova on Epigenetics. If DNA is the hardware, this is the software. Epigenetics explains how genetically identical organisms can have different physiologies (eg how one twin develops autism but the other doesn't) and how environmental influences such as pesticides and smoking can permanently alter our bloodlines for 3 or more generations. Whether your grandfather was well-fed or close to starving during his late childhood may determine your susceptability to certain diseases and even your lifespan. If we're anything like rats, whether or not you were nurtured well as a baby can determine how often and what amount of stress hormones your body releases. These switchs are determined at different times depending on gender. The "sensitivity period" for females is in the womb, for males in late childhood (perhaps evidence that females truly are most sensitive!). This is a huge step in our understanding of the complexity of life and evolution, one that's already helping fight cancer. Pretty amazing stuff.

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Shortly after I started this blog in '03, I had a conversation with someone who questioned me as to why I was blogging. "If everyone writes a blog, then who's going to read them all?" he wondered. He seemed perplexed by the outpouring of expression by the masses. I think it made him nervous, upsetting the status quo where there are the people who perform and then there's the rest of us who sit back passively consuming, politely clapping afterwards. Perhaps it unsettled him to know that technology is quickly closing the gap between artist and audience, and that there'll be fewer and fewer excuses for not participating. In many so-called primitive cultures, things like story-telling, singing, dancing, playing instruments and making sculptures are activities not limited to an elite, but are done by everyone to bring people together. So many of us have our own snippets of truth and beauty to share. Our fast-progressing world is making it easier for like-minded souls to connect. Yes, the lowest-common denominator mega-audience is for the most part gone. And I say good riddance.

Being There

Over the course of multitudes of conversations with seekers of professional domination, I have gleened more times than I would like to admit a chasm separating my own mentalité from that of my prospective submissive. Part of this gap may be attributed to the parallel but not always overlapping points of view typically embodied in the male and female minds.

Beyond that, the source of the disconnect seems to come from a lack of critical thinking and presence in the moment. Projections, assumptions, stereotypes - they all come from lazy, pre-packaged thinking, which in turn is indicative of a lack of awareness of what's right in front of you. Lost daydreaming up our latest fantasies in our heads, we fail to see the human being in the room with us.

I get the feeling some prefer it that way. For whatever reason - be it shame, fear or disdain - some people do not want to really lay their cards down on the table, let you in their heads and truly engage. In my experience, it has been the most frustrating and ultimately dispiriting to walk through a scene with someone who really doesn't see me. I'd rather have someone insult me with a sexual request than act like I'm some Mistress fill-in-the-blank automaton, just going through the motions. This is not mindless manual labor. This is a craft inspired by heart and soul!

Folks like this will be better off when virtual reality is good enough to fool their brains into thinking avatars are real people. Unfortunately in the meantime, they will continue to torment dominatrixes who are interested in exploring authentic human connection.

I reconciled myself to these disconnects with the following compromise: if they cannot truly understand me, then at least they can worship me. And I don't just mean the euphemism of worship=getting sensual, but the concept of worship in a grander sense.

Of course, the Mistress is supposed to love the idea of being worshipped. We each reflect the sacred to one extent or another, and as such there is a god or goddess within us all. I have this lofty perspective now. Though I confess that when I got my start, I craved worship purely as a form of ego-buffing. All that fawning can get to your head. I did get a wake-up call early on during a double session, when I heard a submissive say all the same things he said to me to another domme, who was completely different from me in almost every way. That's when I realized so much of what comes out of both the sub and the domme's mouth are these canned sayings.

It's fascinating to watch others go through the same process. I enjoy seeing the excitement of initial discovery that comes from training a woman with latent dominant powers. I remember watching my apprentice H admiring herself in the mirror during a scene, and I knew she was thinking the same things I used to think of: how hot she looked in her fetish outfit, how much of a badass she was strutting her stuff, how fiercely and beautifully she ruled over these men.

It's funny how things change. Now when someone describes me as this all-powerful, exquisite goddess of supreme powers, I roll my eyes. It's cute. That stuff no longer does it for me. It kind of bores me now. But I'm glad because that means I no longer need that kind of puffing up. I'm too busy working on other things.

Another aspect to being a Mistress which usually goes unquestioned is the idea of having followers. Sometimes I'll take a critical point of view in this blog and I'll get an email vociferously agreeing with me while at the same time attacking the target of my critique to a point far beyond my own objections. It's a bit frightening to see how the game of telephone works on a psychological level. I suppose that's how we got zealotry in the first place!

I sometimes think some women and men like to take on the submissive role because they don't want to have to do the hard thinking. Maybe they know they're not that good at it. And I guess that's OK. Still, it's slightly unnerving when I feel like people are swallowing my words whole rather than doing their own chewing and digesting. I assume in my readers an understanding that underlying everything I write is the subtext: think for yourself. We each need to analyze opinions within the context of our own unique lives. In terms of self-awareness, there can be no Mistress to do the job for you. We must each be our own master and commander.

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I'm so taken with Manhattan. Right now, I am resonating with the no-bullshit, let's get work done attitude, the joie de vivre and the prickly heart. It's like LA but with culture and intelligence. LOL did I just write that??

I am contemplating staying out there for a month or so next summer. Never say never! You may recall me declaring as much in an earlier post regarding my retirement. I'm mulling it over at the moment, and am seriously considering taking sessions when I am in New York.

I've been in San Francisco for 12 years now. I've traveled quite a bit during my time here, though I've only left for an extended period once when I studied spanish in Costa Rica for 3 months. I am feeling the travel bug biting deeper into me again, especially the pull towards big, hi-tech megapolises. A short trip to Tokyo is in the works as well.

We'll see...

Impressions of New York

Just got back from a week in Manhattan, my second trip in two years. I am loving that city! We happened to arrive during a heat wave, with temperatures in the 90s and higher. I was pleasantly surprised at how un-muggy it was, despite the heat. And all the pretty ladies in beautiful, sexy sundresses - now that was a sight to behold. It goes without saying (but I'll say it anyway!) that New York is the most stylish and stylistically brave city in America. My issue with so many places is feeling like I'm drawing more attention than desired by the clothes I want to wear. Not every woman is asking for a virtual target sign by the fashion she dons. Sometimes she just wants to feel free to fully express her vision of herself. In New York, I felt that freedom.

Multi-ethnic groups of friends and couples were a much more common sight in New York. This also surprised me, as I had always thought of California as being on the forefront of racial harmony. But I saw many more mixed groups and couples hanging out - both young and old - to the point where it no longer seemed novel. Perhaps it's simply the greater number of people you can observe in that vast city. Yet my initial impression of it as a novelty seemed to reinforce its relative rarity on this coast. I guess they've had more time to work on that over there.

Contemporary New Yorkers defy the old stereotype of being unfriendly. One of my friends says it's because of 9/11, that after getting your teeth knocked out, it changes your perspective. Whatever the reason, my friendly encounters outnumbered the rude ones by at least 10 to 1. And not just friendly but helpful and actually watching out for you. I would say it's one of the most neighborly big cities I've had the privilege of visiting.

The only place that underwhelmed me during my visit was the local Hustler strip club. That being said, I was there on a Sunday night, which is supposed to be slow, and the blond Russians who worked the tables were just not my type. I'm sure on a future trip I can find a strip club to suit my tastes, though the Bay Area definitely seems to be the center for hapa hotties.

I checked out Brooklyn as well, since I have heard it compared to the Mission in San Francisco, which I call home. We took the subway to Park Slope, which I believe was Heath Ledger's neighborhood. I'd say that area is more like Noe Valley, with all the strollers and kids. But I'm glad I ventured over there, as it reinforced for me why places in Manhattan are so in-demand. I'm going to do a bit of research and figure out a way to stay there for a month or so next summer. New York has not seen the last of me!

Gotta Love 'Em

Chatting with a fellow former dominatrix the other day, the playboy bunny reality show "The Girls Next Door" came up. "I'm just not sure about the show. Do you ever watch it?" she asked me.

I told her just in passing, as I didn't consider them "my people," but I pointed out that the show does put a spotlight on polyamory and sex workers, so it can't be all that bad!

I am a sucker for smart, confident, stylish, pretty and fierce women. My latest fascination is with punk pop princess Avril Lavigne, with her brooding stare, her bitch bratty attitude and her lack of giggly, girlish sexiness which is so everywhere. I think we'll be seeing more interesting transformations from her.

I joined in a Flash Dance street party the other day. These are part of the smart mob phenomenom, where emails and other forms of instant communication announce an impromptu event. We danced for 2 hours on Church and Market, with a booming bicycle-driven sound system and a flurry of friendly hipsters. Fun!

I'll be heading to New York until mid-June.

Live, lust, laugh and learn!

New Skin

I watch my kingsnake rubbing its head against the grain of rough wood. It pushes its nose so hard against the surface, I can see its whole head shaking from the effort. It pushes again, and I see the muscles of its throat swallowing with the exertion. It's trying to break open its own too-tight, dull gray skin. Underneath, bright orange, black and cream scales are waiting.

I walk away to write this down. When I come back I see that it is done. The snake is tail to tail with its old inside-out coat, just about to pull apart from it after peeling it off its body. I make a mental note to stay put next time. I line up the shed skin next to a ruler, counting 27 inches.

I'm going to bring my snake in for a check-up, since it's been a couple years now that I've had him - or her. I'm also going to get it sexed, though it doesn't really matter to me. Friends bugged me to name it. I resisted, saying it would only be for our benefit and mean nothing to the animal. But as a joke I named it Psst, so that's what my friends call it.

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I lost my second iphone. Why can't they be smaller and less expensive? I was going to give up on them, but then a friend gifted me with the money for a new one. It was karma that took them away from me. Both times, gone in a fit of anger. It's only a phone, but it could be something a lot more precious. I hope one day I learn the lesson.

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I'm starting to wear dresses. For the first time in my life really. Jaded party people who've known me for years drop their jaws in amazement, never having seen me before like this. It's nice to know I can still pull off a new look. I like how easy it is to make an impression with my short hair and long, curvy dresses amidst a sea of long hair and pants.

Last time I had short hair, 7 years ago, it seemed like more women in pop culture were sporting the look: Madonna, Demi Moore, Linda Evangelista, to name a few. Remember Angelina Jolie in Hackers? Nowadays, everyone is going for the endless tresses. I think Victoria's Secret has got all the models vying to look ultra femme, though I miss that sleek, pulled-back look that Ms. Evangelista always wore so well.

I sometimes dismiss surface changes. Yet everything is connected, and it feels good to have these changes within be reflected on the outside as well.

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Someone said I am trying something different with my blog. I guess I am. I no longer desire to be worshipped, simply heard. Somehow, the latter seems more incendiary. Yes, I am working on a longer-form piece. But let's not discount blogging. I think one day it will be recognized as a vehicle of expression as artistically legitimate as the rest.

Why am I still putting up pictures when I am no longer seeking sessions? Well, to that I would ask does everything have to be about the commercial? I feel more free to publish the results of my creative collaborations, now that I have more distance from my audience.

I am still kinky, though I know I post about it less. This blog is about me and whatever I feel like writing about, now more so than ever. And the best reply to that is a "Yes Mistress!"

Badass Chanteuses

In my procrastinating for my very last final, I got caught up on a bit of pop culture and watched some recent videos from mainstream female pop artists. Two vids that stood out for me were Beyonce's "Irreplaceable" and her duet with badass Shakira "Beautiful Liar." Now I'm feeling their femme power sisterhood - fierce, sexy and on top!

And my my, aren't we in geek heaven -- there are so many comic book movies coming out! Just checked out some trailers on youtube. Hopefully most will be good adaptations. Love it!

More on the Culture Wars

What a fantastic heat wave we had here in San Francisco. I took advantage of the great weather to bicycle across the Golden Gate Bridge the other day. On the way back, my friend and I checked out Chestnut Street in the Marina. I hadn't been on that strip of shops in a long time, and I found it a refreshing change of pace to the Mission. True, there was shockingly little diversity in the faces that passed me - it seemed more like Walnut Creek in that way - but I enjoyed how so many women were wearing heels and cute sun dresses.

As we strolled down Chestnut, a group of ex-frat boy types were walking in the opposite direction. "Hipsters Suck" read the t-shirt of one of them in big bold letters. That's when I realized the silliness of all this cultural warfare. You've got the hipsters in the Mission versus the yuppies in the Marina. Like the socs and the greasers in The Outsiders. But in many ways they are two sides of the same coin because hardliners of both persuasions can be intolerant, uniform-wearing fascists.

I ran into someone who worked at The Gates with me outside a coffee shop in the Mission. She's in Cal now, writing papers on her BDSM experience and adjusting to the socioeconomic climate change from Oakland to Berkeley, as well as anti-white scapegoating by some of her classmates (not the first time I've heard that!). She describes what I'm talking about as class warfare. But it really isn't. Most of us are in the same class. It's more like consumer choice. Like fighting over whether you like Pepsi or Coke.

Like when I was in LA eating at that trendy seafood restaurant in Hollywood, which wasn't exactly cheap. The people seated next to us, who we struck up a conversation with, were a long-haired guy in a t-shirt that said "grow revolution" and a heavily tattooed Amy Winehouse lookalike. When I told her I grew up in Echo Park, she enthusiastically expressed her love of the neighborhood because it didn't have that "corporate, mainstream" feel (I held back from putting them on the spot by joking about how much better Echo Park is now that the bohemian white people have moved in! Seriously, I'll take yummy vegan cafes over gun-toting cholos any day). In fact, she confided, she owned two properties there. No this isn't about class, but about seemingly competing worldviews that in relatively peaceful times co-exist well enough. It's when everyone feels their back is up against the wall like these turbulent times we live in now, that people think they need to choose sides.

Take Burning Man. When I first went in '96, my clubber friends were bemused that I would want to camp out in the desert for a week. Back then, generators were banished to a far corner of Black Rock City, electronic music was banished a mile away, and just about anyone could shoot guns or blow things up without a second glance. Now those same clubbers who didn't get it back then all go, albeit in RVs like so many folks now. So of course a culture war has ensued over who really is an authentic Burner. I remember being out on the playa one year and there were these cute furry-dressed people gathered around a fire, having just witnessed the histrionic euphoria of an Extra Action Marching Band performance. Some members of the band came up to the fire and proceeded drunkenly berate these poor people, with some harangue about "yuppies go home, get off our playa with your stupid fur." Even though I'm a veteran of The Burn, I still get attitude from people who think they were there first, because I don't wear the "right" uniform. How fragile our egos must be that we have to hold onto such high school-level tactics of superiority.

I am all too aware of the subtle signals which people project and pick up to base their judgments and decide whether you are an "us" or a "them." Sometimes I wish I could turn it off, this ultra-sensitivity I have. At the end of the day, I think it's incredibly simplistic to make assumptions about someone based on what they are wearing - or even what kind of car they have. Like I've had a hand-me-down SUV for a number of years. It was such a mark of shame for me when I first started driving it, because all of sudden I was one of those people and I could no longer give that holier-than-thou scowl to SUV drivers. I remember I drove it to Rainbow, a health food grocery coop, and a woman with a baby threw me the look of death as I parked next to her. I felt hatred there, and I couldn't imagine how that would help, or be a good lesson for her child. But it also made me angry, how polarized and unreasonable we all seem to have become. [Speaking of going green, current issue of Wired magazine has a great article addressing environmentalism, with a lot of ideas that jibe with my own personal philosophy.]

It's a lonely road, not caving into convention on any side - be it hipster vs. yuppie, kinky vs. vanilla, altered vs. natural, pc vs. mac, organic vs. genetically modified, old Burning Man vs. new Burning Man... so many of these are false dichotomies. By not towing some party line by dressing and acting a certain way, you end up getting it from every direction. I'd rather endure the disdain, dismissals and misunderstanding. To me, this cultural extremism is frustrating, idiotic and downright scary. Whatever happened to free thinking and "no enemy?"

Tale of Two Cities

I'm positively bubbling with energy and enthusiasm, having just returned from the second day of Robert McKee's Story Seminar. This is the writing workshop that was dramatized in the movie Adaptation. Great stuff! I'm looking forward to tomorrow.

So my trip down to LA was an awesome mini vacation. I was there four days during a four-day heat wave and each day was hotter than the last. "You heated up the town. It cooled down as soon as you left," my sister told me over the phone.

It was a homecoming, in an odd sort of way. I feel like I've finally figured that town out and learned how to enjoy it, after all the pain it delivered to me in the past. Before, I was a big-eyed little mongrel from the wrong side of the tracks, and any time someone said "boo!" I'd jump.

With the wrong attitude, LA is the perfect launch pad for one's self-destruction, and because of bad memories I had been bashing it ever since I left. Early in my adulthood, I whithered in the unrelenting Southland sun, finding the nurturing shelter I needed in the sweet sensitivity of the Bay Area. But now, it's like I've grown my desert spines, and for the first time since leaving I'm receptive to its crazy, sexy, flashy, driven energy.

LA can be a blast if you don't take it all so seriously (it doesn't hurt that I can jump on a plane when it gets to be too much). It's a serious con game down there, and I mean that in the full sense of the phrase -- confidence game. It seems like everyone is trying to throw you off your game, spook you into flinching. I used to cringe at it all and get psyched out, my shy self hating all the showboating and posturing that seemed necessary to get ahead.

But I've changed enough to not see it that way anymore. I believe in myself so strongly now, I understand you don't need to perform, you just need to be yourself and hold steady. And what's really cool is that like attracts like, so when you're in a good space down there, you meet others who are too. Yes, there are some lovely souls who do not adhere to the prevailing "let's be assholes to each other" attitude. And in a way it's even easier to find the real good people when you put out that laid-back San Francisco vibe, since admittedly they are more rare!

Here's a pic from the trip. Faces blurred to protect the not-so-innocent! This is at a trendy seafood place in Hollywood where we saw the fat kid from Superbad - he was very sweet when I ran into him coming out of the loo. I actually saw tons of celebrities down there, pointed out to me courtesy of a friend who accompanied me. I don't think I would have noticed otherwise. But it was fun to realize they were there -- they made for great wallpaper to my own my little adventures.

Going out with a couple of my girlfriends down there at another posh eatery (the kind where the waitstaff are all obnoxious wannabe actors), we noticed how many women - as beautifully dressed as they were - looked uncomfortable in their own skin. We just ignored them and had a great time amongst ourselves. So I say if you don't buy into that insecure, competitive bullshit, you've already got a headstart. But I do think it's harder to get centered in LA. Of course it is - because LA has no center! At least not geographically, as for the rest you can decide for yourself.

So my change of heart about LA has come as a pretty big surprise to my loved ones. I mean, I've been talking shit about my hometown for 12 years straight! "What?!" was my soft-spoken sister's reaction when I told her I kind of missed it down there. "Are you feeling well?" is what my best friend asked. What gives? In two words: The Mission.

I knew that moving into the tragically hip Mission five years ago would eventually arouse a backlash within me. All those heroin-chic, thrift shop fashionistas with their "you're either with us or against us" extremism, self-righteous tattooed smugness and hypocritical "we're against the dominant paradigm" alternative uniformity is starting to get to me. I am not lookist, don't care about all the pot bellies or plumber's cracks. I don't even mind the scabby look so much. But when these same denizens of Valencia Street try to make me feel like I don't belong here because I haven't raked my appearance over in the mirror to erase any signs of the dreaded Establishment, then I've just about had it.

What one of my friends who is African-American says about the South is that she doesn't mind it there, because at least the racism is out in the open. That's how I feel about LA when it comes to appearance. The superficiality is out in the open. Not hidden in holier-than-thou tripe.

Here in the City, I used to feel like I had to bend over backwards to prove myself as a diplomat of the conventionally attractive. Places like Burning Man parties, where when I'm lost in the sensual embrace of one of my girlfriends on the dancefloor, a frumpy girl will try to butt in and get grabby -- without even a smile on her face -- because she feels oppressed by our display and wants to put us on the spot for her discomfort. I've learned that you can never please the deeply insecure, who usually end up projecting their own feelings of inferiority onto you by blaming you for perceived slights. I find people like this to be the most self-centered of them all.

There may be a tyranny of the beautiful people in LA, but in the City it's like that communist ideal where we are all supposed to be the same and not make anyone feel bad by standing out. But what if I stand out naturally? I used to go to efforts to try to ugly myself down before going to certain social events in the City, because I knew that people wouldn't talk to me otherwise. Enough with the pc double standard - why is it only trannies that get to look hot here?

I was even accused of being an interloper at one private polysexual play party I attended, which of course the accusers knew was ridiculous. It was simply their way of making me feel unwelcome. OK I'll stop, I don't feel sorry for myself - I'm not going to cry "don't hate me because I'm beautiful!" - I'm just pointing out how the Bay Area has its own brand of lookism and snobbery. But I still love it up here. Every place has its trade-offs.

One little snippet of a conversation I overhead sitting outside a bar and grill on the Sunset strip encapsulated LA nicely for me. These two women were talking animatedly over beers about a mutual acquaintance who had just published a book.

"It's fucken awesome, don't you see? She wrote a book! Who cares what it's about. It doesn't even matter what it's about. The fact is she wrote a book and got it published."

That's LA for you. Super into achievement, but a bit short on content - LOL! San Francisco has its intellectualism, though we sometimes get lost in all that processing. I am learning that there is room in my heart to love both cities, flaws and all.

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Modern Hero by Roger Woods

No one is immune...

I was distressed to hear of the police raid and bust of the New York house of domination Rebecca's Hidden Chamber last month. Six women who worked as Mistresses were arrested for prostitution, their legal names made public record and published in the New York Post, New York Daily News, and USA Today, among others.

The New York Post article quoted a former client who wished to remain anonymous. He said it was widely known that the ladies of the Hidden Chamber would do sexual services along with the typical BDSM fare.

I'm quite skeptical of this information from an unnamed source, and find it interesting how others in the community have used it as a shield to deny the arbitrary and hypocritical nature of contemporary American law enforcement. They were doing something wrong, so they got what they deserved. But we don't do that, so we'll be okay. Dream on!

In The Tickling Forum, a Mistress KC from the Hidden Chamber responded to other poster's tsk tsks with the following:

"A pity!? Come on and use your head. Do you think a girl would waste her time sitting in a dom house and spending her money buying dom gear to charge $220 in exchange for sexual intercourse? Give us some more credit.

I'm very close with the women involved, being one of the 30+ mistresses who weren't arrested and call the HC home. We love each other like a family there.

They are our dear friends and I know I hate seeing their names slandered, I can only imagine what it's like for them and what they had to deal with while being held in custody. I hate it. The other 30 or so of us happened not to be working that day... it could have been any of us."

Worst case scenario - that they were engaging in prostitution - we are still dealing with an essentially victimless crime. Consensual activity between two adults. The same activity which is legal in brothels in the state of Nevada, which is given the blind eye at places like Mitchell Brothers here in San Francisco, and which is totally above board if recorded for pornographic distribution. Does this make any sense?

What it comes down to, once again, is society not being OK with women taking full control of their sexuality. When there are structures of establishment power in place that mediate women's individual control (i.e. where men can run things e.g. porn, brothels), then there seems to be more leeway. And women in these mediated situations are also given more of a break in that they are often portrayed as victim rather than brazen hussy.

But women who unapologetically engage in sex for financial gain, with their eyes wide open and without any inducement from men, are still being vilified today. Like a modern-day witch-hunt, they are castigated for their boldness and their intransigence. The intensity of the reactions they provoke speaks volumes about how deeply held the taboo remains. It is a form of discrimination which I hope one day will seem quaintly old-fashioned.

Shoe on the Other Foot

Now I know what it feels like. To be on the receiving end, listening to words you would rather not hear, getting a peak into a world you have never bothered to notice, feeling the confusion and anger of cognitive dissonance as you realize this doesn't make any sense to you, doesn't fit into your neat picture of how things should be.

My friend who is an escort is telling me about a client, an old man who was on top of her humping her, how his red face and sweaty body made her worry for his health, and how she wondered if he wore dentures, visualizing them falling out onto her face.

And I am thinking about the conversations I have had with straight friends, about swinging or domme work. How one-sided they were, with the other person looking away, not saying much, waiting for me to finish and change the subject.

There was a girl who hated me when I first started at The Gates, because I would walk into the lounge after a session and talk excitedly about the strap-on play I had just done. I couldn't imagine that anyone would not be interested in what I had to say, or couldn't take the graphic detailing of my actions.

Ah, how funny it is when the shoe is on the other foot!

My friend writes me a note about how lucky she feels to be having so much fun and making such great connections. I know she had an amazing "date" the other night, so she is buzzing with it. Hot sex while being treated like a $$$ princess seems like a dream job to her, no doubt in large part because of the ego boost. But I know there is a lot more going on.

I am happy for her. I support her. She is brave in her own way. Yet my empathy can only go so far. There is a reason why it wasn't anything I thought about too much, until it came crashing into my reality.

A voice cries out inside me that it's is so conventional, so materially-focused, so everything that I have strove against. Part of me is offended. That the professional side of the craft I consider sacred is full of interlopers who migrate from one type of sex work to another. That when I was still actively commercial with my play, my escort friends would ask me, "How's business?" as if what we did were the same thing.

It is not the same thing!

Yes, I am feeling sensitive about it right now. I know my feelings will change with greater perspective and distance from the professional role I held for almost six years. With hindsight, I would have closed my stable to newcomers after four years. Kept more of that lovely glow and a bit less of the tarnish. When you hunker down for fear of moving on, it can wear on you. Well, all the more critical insights for me to share about the experience! I admit this because no matter what critiques I may make, I do think professional domination is an admirable path to follow, for however long it works.

I am proud of the fact that, for most of my career, I was a house-affiliated domme. The sisterhood, the sense of security, the shared energy - these were all integral to my sense of enjoyment when I was a full-time dominatrix. I am saddened that there is such a dearth of houses of domination in the Bay Area - not even one in the City! LA and New York both have quite a few well-established houses. Maybe one day...

Independence was hard for me. The screening of new people and the disappointment when undesirables somehow made it through - that is where most of the tarnish came from. There is a dark undercurrent to domination. And I think that the more special you are, the more protection you need. Seeing new applicants alone as an independent made me feel too accessible.

There is a psychological difference between doing a scene in a house and doing one as an independent that is not often discussed. Ironically, because I felt safer about boundaries and therefore more confident in the house, I was comfortable wearing lingerie or something more "girly" into scene. Whereas with independence, I felt more vulnerable and intimate in the first place, causing me to want to don high fetish as a sort of armor.

I received so many congratulations upon my independence from would-be slaves. Yet I saw this act, necessary as it was for my personal growth, as a wrenching away of my community, thrusting me into isolation and artifice. It seems strange to me that so many session-seekers preferred it. On one level, I think it's because they can feel more special, more catered to, more the object of the Mistress' undivided attention. For me, not everyone deserves such treatment. And so, I closed ranks with those I already knew, trusted and liked.

And now, I have begun the first tentative steps in exploring "lifestyle" D/s relationships. At first, I could only get myself to play with women, finding the need to free myself from all the associations that gender brought up for me. More recently, I have started connecting in this way with a few close male friends - creative and accomplished individuals whose need to be taken by a powerful woman matches my own need to overtake, control and deliver.

I feel my power in a new way. There is a lovely ease to it. To be reminded that both my sadistic and nurturing desires, my urge to dominate and penetrate, truly come from within and are not simply profit-motivated. Before, when I considered integrating D/s more fully into my life, I worried over how it may disrupt my existing relationships. But now, it feels easy, like I was thinking too hard about it. And the craziest thing is, there are a lot more real submissives outside of the professional arena! Who woulda thunk? :)

Off to the Southland

I'll be down in La La Land for a few days, likely reporting my 'findings' upon my return. Be well!

Future Sex

I'm studying Botany right now. Plants have strange sex lives. Imagine there is an extra step in the reproductive process. That instead of the sperm and egg simply being one-celled precursors to the embryo, they each grew up into a full-fledged life form. Then the being that started out as an egg gets fertilized by the "walking sperm man". Only the baby inside her would be a human as we know them, with a full set of chromosomes from both parents. That's like plants. Or at least that's how I visualize them to get my mind around the concept of "alternation of generations."

Realizing how different plants are from us in terms of their sexual processes makes me re-think my assumptions about sex. Could human sexuality evolve into something different in the future? I often wonder about this, and find it makes for an intriguing thought experiment.

Fantasy being so much a part of my erotic life, I believe the ability to totally immerse in a realistic virtual setting where one can take on whatever form one fancies will be a reality. This crossed my mind the other day while I was topping a pet who dons a particularly elaborate disguise during playtime. In the flurry and excitement of the scene, I realized that I didn't really consider my submissive to be the same person who walks through the door, their appearance was so strikingly different from one to the other. I marvelled at how one day, we will all be able to morph ourselves - at least virtually - to suit our aesthetic and sexual whims.

Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to have a real cock. But without losing my breasts, or the curves or soft skin that I love about being a woman. To be a sexy hermaphrodite with a fully functional, lovely cock. In the future, someone has got think of a way to hook up a strap-on so that all the points of the phallus match up with nerves in the clitoris. After all, the clit is really just a tiny cock, being the analogous structure in women. Pair this device with virtual reality, and I can see for myself what it feels to penetrate, from the inside.

A few years back, I played with a post-op male-to-female transsexual who did a lot of kink play in Second Life, an online 3D virtual world, including before her surgery. She said there were many playspaces and shops for those into BDSM, and mentioned virtual collars that that could be programmed to move the submissive into different positions at the command of the dominant. She said that there was so much D/s play in Second Life, she couldn't imagine it was used for anything else!

I remember around the same time talking to an undergrad on campus during a technology conference who said he always entered Second Life as a girl. He said he did it because it was easier to socialize. People were more friendly, approachable and helpful. I wonder how many of the femme avatars are in fact virtual cross-dressers. I bet a lot!

Sometimes I rue the way that biology (including sex) gets in the way of creative and intellectual endeavors. It seems that women are burdened with this distraction more than men, being the more obvious objects of attraction and the vessels of reproduction. What if we stepped into a Brave New World freedom, where we totally separated the physical act of sex from perpetuation of the species, the latter being completed outside the woman's body. Would that change the balance between the sexes? Would it cause women to lose their standing as Mothers, the great creators?

What if eventually people decided actual physical differentiation of the sexes was unwelcome, either because it's too disruptive to mental achievement or just aesthetically unappealing (with the recent coining of the term "metrosexual" to describe men who wax and primp as much as women, perhaps we are already moving in this direction). Would we then compartmentalize our sexuality as recreational roleplay in virtual reality, taking on whatever appearance - male, female, something in between - that suited us at the moment? My feeling is that for all the pain it causes us, we will want to keep sexuality an integral part of our actual physical reality. But you never know...

It's fascinating to ponder the possible evolution of sex. Perhaps at the end of the day, it will remain largely the same as it has, and such conjecture is nothing more than interesting premises for futuristic stories. Only time will tell.

Beauty Unbound

When I started out as a pro domme, I used to wear my glasses into scene, along with just a hint of make-up. I understood how to get all dolled up and ultra-femme glamorous, but I reserved that for my nightclub and swinger party forays. It seemed ridiculous to go for the showgirl look when trying to convey a more stern and serious tone. Besides, I was confident in my appearance, and did not feel the need to overly embellish.

In those early days, though I may have been inexperienced in running a BDSM scene, my power was contained within myself and dependent on no one. I was like a virgin in the original sense of the word - before it meant someone who has not yet had sex, it meant a woman "beholden to no man.” A woman unbound by the obligation or desire to do or be a certain way for another.

Before I entered pro domination, I had been an active adventurer of the amateur persuasion. I jet-setted to Miami, New York, LA and Vegas for the best dance and swinger parties there and here in the City. Growing up in the shadow of Hollywood (Echo Park back in its "Mi Vida Loca" days, no less) influenced my love of getting dressed up in sexy, funky original outfits.

My club friends and I would joke that we made great drag queens. We would always get our pictures taken for local magazines and websites when we went out. It was fun to pose for the camera. We were stars in our own little world.

In the swinger scene, my partner and I attended A-List, invitation-only gatherings which sometimes required that photos be submitted beforehand for approval. I know that sounds pretty superficial - and it was - but it was also a lot of fun to run around in outrageous get-ups and be immersed in all that sexual energy. Sheer, racy outfits that would only bring you trouble in an ordinary club brought you smiles, compliments and plenty of attention from the couples and single women who peopled these events.

One summer we even went on an all-inclusive vacation to Mexico where we hung out with porn stars. We watched them make their movies all day against the backdrop of a white sand beach and coconut palms. It was a wild time, and I kept getting mistaken for the "talent." What struck me though, was that most of my friends in the swinger and club scenes were more naturally pretty than the porn stars.

I stood out with my boy short hair back then, giving me a slightly androgynous look that was emphasized further by a mischievous sneering grin and body toned from hours of kick-boxing. I became infamous for wielding a mean strap-on at orgies. Girls would line up, while their men would whisper their secret desires in my ear. I saw sex not in terms of how much value should be placed on each and every little act and interaction, but more as this amazing free-for-all.

In both the dance club scene and the swinger scene, men and women would regularly come up to me, my partner or my friends to say how "hot" I was and how "playful" and "natural" I seemed with my sexuality. I tried not to let it all get to my head, and I think I had a healthy confidence in my own attractiveness and erotic powers.

Swinging was great for encountering so many different types of women: the hot blondes, smouldering brunettes, petite Asians, squirters, big fake tits, perky real ones, the expert pussy-eaters... It was a smorgasbord of flesh, and I had no issues with objectifying others or myself.

I had no issues with fake versus real. Or blonde versus brunette. Or white versus non-white. I had no issues with strippers. All these issues came up for me after I turned pro. It commercialized eroticism for me, turning former playmates into either the competition (women) or my secret judges (men).

No wonder as soon as I began taking sessions, I could no longer swing. It's the slut versus whore dichotomy. Once you start placing dollar value on erotic acts, it becomes harder to give anything away. I saw this happen with a girlfriend at the time who is an escort. She felt so special on her paid dates, that the swapping she felt obligated to do with her boyfriend felt demeaning to her.

As I've mentioned before, I was so naive when I first became a dominatrix, I had no idea there were online review systems with associated message boards that the men employed to anonymously rate their encounters. This was when my fantasy of being a domme first took a drubbing. My very first review the guy said that with my tanned body and friendly demeanor, I could make a killing being a sensual masseuse. That completely mortified me. Why the hell would I aspire to that? My mistake at the time was giving too much power to this silly man's words with its arbitrary labels. I became paranoid that clients would think I didn't look "domme" enough.

The review system felt completely dehumanizing to me, with ratings for looks on a scale of 1 to 10. On one site, this is broken down further into face and body. What got to me is that reviewers almost always rated my body higher than my face. I guess that's a fate I can share with Britney Spears LOL! I think it's because I never showed my face, so they were trying to give some context to what it looked like. Can there be anything more subjective than rating a face? I mean, you show people a face and ask them to rate it, then change the hair color or hair cut of the same face, and you'll likely get an entirely different opinion.

After basking in such positive - and unsolicited - feedback from those in my social circles for so many years before going pro, I was unprepared for the heightened scrutiny one receives in the public spotlight. Remember Christina Aguilera in her rebellious phase when she had punked-out hair and facial piercings? The press gave her such a hard time, she sang that song "I am beautiful, no matter what you say," then went completely conventional with her look.

As for me, I stopped wearing my glasses, grew my hair out, started wearing colored contacts and more make-up in scene. At one point, I even clipped in extensions to add volume to my hair. All in some vain effort to look attractive to absolutely everyone who came to see me.

Up 'til then, I'd always relied on my good hapa genes to get me by. This was the first time in my life that I learned all the the feminine tricks to applying make-up and fixing hair. Though I am glad for the knowledge, I am also glad that I don't feel the need to do that to myself all the time!

Needless to say, for a while there I fell into the trap of getting caught up in a game I could never win - mass approval. That's the trap that fells many women in show biz as they get surgery after surgery to achieve that boring, lowest-common-denominator prettiness. Nepotism is good for something, namely getting exposed to the out-of-the-box beauty of a Kim Kardashian, Sofia Coppola, Isabella Rosselini or even Tori Spelling. Thankfully, I seem to have escaped the boring beauty trap unscathed. And when I found out recently that some people were trashing me online for my attitude, I actually felt gratified. I must be doing something right to draw their ire unprovoked. How I see it, seeking validation from the peanut gallery is like going to a party full of degenerates and feeling hurt that no one wants to talk to you.

The ratings of looks are not just subjective based upon the preferences of the rater (ethnicity, haircolor, breast size, body type, etc), but also a reflection of perceived value. For instance, take my escort friend I mentioned earlier. She is someone who has consistently been rated 10 in looks and performance in reviews over the past few years on a site which covers all types of "providers" across the country. Yet this same woman encountered difficulty obtaining an invitation to a popular A-List swinger party. Like some other escorts I know, her ratings have gotten progressively higher as her rates have increased. So there is a perceived value being projected here. If a man pays thousands of dollars for a date, she better be a 10, right?

Perceived value also seems to reflect the level of sexual activity allowed by the woman, rating pro dommes more harshly for not "putting out." A man who would go behind a pro domme's back to review her - on a site where dommes are lumped together with women who give handjobs and have PV intercourse with their clients - is more likely to be the kind of man who carries resentment over the fact that he cannot be more sexual with his Mistress. I think he is also more likely to be uncomfortable with his own enjoyment of the femme domme role reversal, particularly the fact that he is the receptive, penetrated partner.

Since it has become industry standard among pro dommes to show one's face, I believe those of us who choose not to are rated more harshly for this as well. It's as if you are punished for trying to keep something for yourself. The more you expose yourself and make yourself vulnerable, seeking validation and approval from the powers that be (i.e. the men who are potential clients), the more you are patted on the head and told you are a good girl.

I have been wondering as of late if there really is an untenable contradiction between being a dominant woman and being a professional service provider. The longer I did it, the more I seemed to care about what the men thought, and the less I felt connected to my inner strength and sense of self. And in the beginning, every time I was reviewed without my permission, I seriously contemplated quitting.

In fact, my commercial withdrawal now was precipitated by a recent unauthorized review -- of a scene which took place at The Gates over a year ago! Perhaps I shouldn't admit that these things bother me. But that would be bullshit. In the end, I do feel that I am too good for this. To have to deal with such invasions of privacy, callous disclosures of intimate exchanges and disrespect for my rules. Maybe that's the real reason why some people have to talk trash. Because they know I'm better than all that, that I never deigned to stoop down to their level and "admit" that I am really there just to serve them.

Whatever the case, there were signals that it was time to say goodbye. I have no regrets. I learned and lived so much. I had so many thrilling, joyous moments. It's just now, I can also talk about the rest.

The private playtime I continue to enjoy feels lighter, truer and more intense.

My hair is cut short again.

I count my blessings.

2012, Singularity, Apocalypse, Oh My!

The Japanese are such great trendsetters. Like the other night I saw a TV news story about the rising popularity of male geishas. Women executives have money but no time to pursue romance, and with geishas they are treated like queens by adorable boys.

When I saw the men who do this work, I was struck by how feminine they all seemed. They looked like cute little rockers or man-boy lovers in a yaoi manga, with long spiky hair lightened and styled to perfection. They were skinny, fashionable and had great skin. One geisha they interviewed said he made $200,000 a year and also received many gifts of outfits and accessories from his patrons, as they liked him to look his best for them.

I got such a kick out of this story. Men servicing women -- gotta love it! One of my friends, when he heard this, said half-jokingly, “The end of the world must be near.” Despite being a sexual freak, he has a conservative streak as well. He had a similar reaction when Oprah was talking about teenagers holding “rainbow” parties (the girls all wear different colored lipstick, then turn off the lights and give the boys fellatio. Lights on and everyone checks out the evidence to figure out who blew who), and when Tila Tequila had her bisexual love competition on MTV. I guess we all get dated at some point LOL!

Speaking of the end of the world, this is a concept which never fails to resonate. Remember how Y2K was supposed to be it? Well just because 2000 came and went doesn’t mean we are out of the danger zone. Exploring Mayan ruins reminded me of how 2012 is coming up. That’s the end of a 5000-year cycle of the Mayan calendar, when there's supposed to be a "transition from the current Creation world into the next." I know several intelligent, successful people here in the city who are really into it. I suppose it’s rather convenient to only have to plan for another 4 years!

Then there’s the Singularity. I am a science geek so this one has fascinated me for a while. The concept is borrowed from physics and black holes, where it means an end-point where space-time as we know no longer works. In a broader sense, it’s been used to describe the exponentially increasing rate of technological progress (eg Moore’s Law), which appears to be leading us to a significant shift such as the emergence of artificial intelligence, our merging with machines, or the creation of new biological life forms.

High-profile proponents of the Singularity include inventor Ray Kurzweil, who is featured in the latest Wired, and Paypal co-founder Peter Thiel, who has a good interview in the lastest Reason. And though he is not an advocate of the Singularity per se, I don’t think you can discuss the incredibly rapid pace of change we are experiencing without mentioning Craig Venter. I saw him speak recently and the work he is doing is amazing – sequencing the human genome, then going out and doubling the number of known genes and being just a few steps away from reverse-engineering life. His goal is to create artificial biological organisms to solve our energy crisis and create vaccines. Whatever you may think of what he's doing, it sure seems like people should be paying more attention!

As a spiritual seeker, I have also been in touch with what's going on in the community of meditators, practitioners of mind-body awareness and the like. I swear, even now, I don’t know what you call this arena. People don't like the term “New Age,” but is there anything better? Not everyone is Buddhist, and there really is no practice that everyone does. The one thing I'd say people in this category have in common is a focus on being in the present moment.

But anyways, when I was involved with a weekly transformative practice group, we did a lot of reading (like Eckhart Tolle’s "The Power of Now”, which I hear is Oprah’s new passion) and at times had speakers visit with us. Sometimes our teacher would let us know beforehand that the person who would be addressing us, say the esteemed Adyashanti, was considered by many to be “enlightened.” This was always said as if the word had quotes around it, as no one could entirely agree on what it meant to be enlightened. Yet from my explorations in this world, I saw that there is a growing consensus that the number of enlightened people is increasing. So here too, there is a sense that we are moving to an end point in the game.

Back to pop culture, we have both Terminator 2: The Sarah Connor Chronicles and Battlestar Galactica talking about “Judgment Day” and the Apocalypse. You even had the last couple of episodes of T2 quoting from the book of Revelation in the bible. And that got me to thinking about a National Geographic article I read about the lost books of the new testament and reinterpretations of the biblical scriptures. There is one scholar, I believe it might be Dr. Bart Ehrman, who claims that the King James version of Revelations is a poor translation. Specifically, that in a passage describing the last days on earth, a word that is translated to be mean “destruction” is a mistranslation. And that the actual definition of the word is closer to “rebirth.”

Having gone to Sunday school and studied the bible quite extensively in my childhood, that really hit me. What difference would it make to people, if they saw the Apocalypse as a time of rebirth – of enlightenment! – rather than death, destruction and misery. What if we stopped thinking that one day we would suffer gloriously for our sins? I know I know, most of us don’t believe that stuff anymore. But how deeply ingrained are those notions in our collective psyche? Do they make us try less, feeling that dark days are our inevitable and just punishment?

Well maybe one day, this other more optimistic translation will be commonplace. That is, unless the robots over take first. All the more reason to carpe diem. That's right, pluck it while it's ripe!

Escaping the Binary

I had a funny moment during my vacation, when a bunch of us who had just gone on a jungle expedition together were talking about what's on Reality TV. Someone mentioned that Red Sonja actress who had been married to Sylvestor Stallone and we were all trying to think of her last name. "It's Bridget something," someone said.

I blurted out "Oh you mean Bridgette Kerkove!" I totally thought I was right.

A half second pause as people pondered this answer than someone said "No, it's not that" and the conversation moved on.

A few seconds later, I realized I had shouted out the name of a hardcore anal pornstar. I was cracking up on the inside, just a tinge anxious at the thought that someone might recognize my slip-up.

One of the men at the table had just been talking about how he had been a prosecutor, then switched over to the defense side. His wife had quipped, in droll good humor, "Yeah, you used to get off the hookers."

It was a bit surreal. Playing it straight with these strangers, wondering what they would think if they knew some of my best friends were involved in the world's oldest profession.

#

One of the challenges I face in life is trying not to be too binary in my thinking. I have a tendency to swing the pendulum, so that if something doesn't work out my automatic reaction is to completely reject it. Like I was pretty involved in my personal spiritual journey for a couple of years there, meditating, practicing yoga religiously, going on a vision quest, pursuing the healing arts and reading lots of books that you find in the self-help section.

I learned a lot from those explorations. Yet towards the end, an accumulation of negative experiences turned me against the whole venture. The most major thing that happened was I injured my arms overtraining in bodywork. I had sought out schooling in the healing arts to expand my knowledge and understanding, never thinking that I could end up compromising one of my most precious creative outlets - my ability to write! At one point, both my arms were constantly burning and it hurt to use a pen or keyboard.

Thankfully, a great physical therapist has taught me a lot about body mechanics and trusting my own intuition to really listen to my body so I can give it what it needs at any particular moment, be it treatment with ice, a little stretching, or some strengthening exercises.

But at the time, I felt resentful that an endeavor that was supposed to help me develop as a person caused me so much anguish. What made it worse was feeling manipulated by a teacher at the school I attended, a charismatic and good-looking practitioner who flirted with me relentlessly.

Definitely a theme that played out during this period of spiritual exploration was meeting people who claimed to be enlightened on one level or another, then finding myself disappointed. I think I opened up my heart too much, and let go of my judgment because I somehow thought that people on this path were different.

As I was going through this, I was blogging about it here and crafting my former session site to reflect my spiritual leanings. That drew a new type of seeker to Mistress, and unfortunately some of these were also wolves in sheeps clothing.

I encountered an individual who thought me more tantrika than domina, making a crude and overtly sexual overture to me after our last session. Then there was the lover-of-all-things-Asian; a well-to-do life coach who tortured me over the phone a few times with his unbelievable sense of entitlement. Both of these men talked the talk - of energy, centeredness and balance, yet it seemed to have been a substitute for rather than a signal of real understanding and connectedness. Alas, I grew disillusioned.

I found refuge in a countering philosophy, which allowed me to retrench by pulling away from an overly generous approach in my interpersonal connections, and hold my head up high again with unapologetic pride in all that I am. I needed to move away from that enforced sense of humility and the overexposed vulnerability, and this was the perfect antidote. I will likely write more about this later, as it merits its own entry.

Since then, I have realized that my wholesale denunciation of spiritual development went too far. I have begun enjoying the benefits of meditation and yoga once again, this time with a more watchful eye rather than pure, receptivity.

So, now that I have eased out of professional domination, I am on the lookout in this arena as well. I don't want to be one of those people who, upon moving on from a pursuit, feel the need to denounce it. Granted, there is some venting to be done. In the beginning, I used to marvel at my ability to even do this work, as sensitive as I am. As I wind down, I am starting to feel the blowback. Nothing permanent or ghastly, just some of the less pleasant aspects re-surfacing. I feel it is to be expected and I welcome it for the introspection it has engendered.

Now that I am free from commercial pressures, you will likely see a more uncensored side of me come out on this blog. I suspect it will be a perspective more immediately relatable to my peers, as evidenced by a recent email from an esteemed domina who let me know my recent post "Perceptions, in the Eye of the Beholder" moved her to tears. I am honored when my words can inspire other women, and aspire to include more in my audience of readers.

So, you may hear me give my take on the more hidden, inner workings of the pro domme world, such as the review system, the spectrum of erotic work, and the nature of professional versus amateur play, as well as the psychological underpinnings involved. The sociology is fascinating, indeed!

Free Flying

What a blissful 2 weeks spent in the Caribbean! Jetting out onto the choppy, big waves of the open ocean to reach the oasis of an island atoll. Then scuba diving and snorkeling amidst coral reefs teeming with sharks, rays and the playful colors and curious habits of all the tropical fish. Spelunking through cavernous, wet caves glittering with quartz, massive stalagtites, giant spiders and shrieking bats. Bush-whacking through the jungle, with its mysterious pyramid ruins, led by a machete-wielding guide in the eerie darkness of a starry night, the guttural roar of howler monkeys cutting through the relentless buzz of nocturnal insects.

To be immersed in the adventure of the natural world, while slowing down to steep in the ways of a laid back culture, with its strangely blood-thirsty history of fierce pirates and ritualistic Maya. Now that was a sweet little break. A time to step away, fresh air for my mind and body, leisurely contemplating new horizons in a place where I am no one to anyone.

I will always be searching to know more, learning and sharing along the way, whether on this path or another.

And now time to catch up, move forward and keep fighting the good fight.

Free flying and feeling good. Life is beautiful!

Perceptions, in the Eye of the Beholder

I was interviewed this morning by a graduate student of sociology who is doing her dissertation on pro dommes' relationships with their clients. I find that conversations like these, where I am asked to lay out the hows and whys of this peculiar career choice, can help elucidate my own journey to myself.

One thing that came up for me was the frustration I have felt at times from being misunderstood by those who have sought me out for sessions. In my mind, submitting to a femme domme presents a unique opportunity to interact with a woman who sees beyond conventional male-female dynamics in erotic and power exchange. You would think that, wouldn't you? Yet too often, I encountered men who assumed the opposite - that my professional status meant that I was there to serve rather than be served, with the rest of it simply a form of acting on my part.

I even detected a whiff of pity from more than a few, who seemed to think I was caught up in a form of "white slavery" (or I guess in my case, it would be creamy yellow slavery!). There was one who used to irk me by saying at the end of the session, a note of surprise in his voice, "You really seem to enjoy this."

"Wow," I thought, "this guy totally doesn't get it," ushering him out the door before the mystique could be tarnished for me further. I should have let him go at that point. I later came to regret keeping him on, as he went behind my back and wrote a review without my permission. Alas, I do not give second chances for such a betrayal.

The pity manifests particularly within the Asian fetishists. Funny, being only half Asian and growing up in Los Angeles, I was as likely to be mistaken for Latina or some other ethnicity than pinpointed as a Eurasian while living down there. My racial ambiguity proved to be a long-standing puzzle, as classmates who knew me for years would finally bust out with the "What are you anyway?" question on the verge of our graduation.

So I was fairly surprised, when first making my entrance into the field as a self-proclaimed Eurasian dominatrix, that I was never questioned on this. In fact, it felt like all some saw was the Asian in me. I think labels are an amazing thing like that. Prep someone by telling them beforehand that this person fits in this category, and that is what they see.

But I digress. The pity I sensed emanating from Asian fetishists seems to have roots in the Madame Butterfly myth: the noble but fallen woman who martyrs herself at the hands of unsavory men. A delicate flower who sacrifices her graces to satisfy the unseemly appetites of rapacious scoundrels. Ah, the melodrama!

This craft has always been about taking charge of my life, having the courage to manifest my passions and turn my fantasies into reality. That there are those who think it is about forcing myself into uncomfortable situations, for who knows what reason... Money, attention, some masochistic complex?

I shake my head at this, and can only speculate on how this seems to be a projection of unacknowledged issues on their part. I have a college degree, worked vanilla jobs successfully, am not stuck in the sex work ghetto, nor paralyzed by psychological demons.

These awkward interactions do highlight an ongoing challenge for me. Though I support myself in attempting to understand the underpinnings of these alternate beliefs which posit my experience more as passive object than volitional actor, I struggle with not allowing the empathy I gain to cause me to take on these values.

Like taking reviews too seriously. In my opinion, their very nature clashes with a true femme domme perspective. The teacher's pet inside me still strives to get an A. Colleagues advise me to just look away. Yet I can't. Perhaps it's like a car accident that I can't turn away from. I like to think it's more like biting into the fruit of knowledge. Yes, I am now cast out of Eden. But I know.

Knowing how men think about attractiveness without the niceties they use when speaking directly to women has been hard, no bones about it. I guess I'm a believer in trial by fire, because in the end I am grateful for being exposed to this truth. We, as women and girls, are told from the time we are very little how pretty we are, how wonderful it is be pretty, and how dangerous it is to be un-pretty. It becomes an invisible achilles heel, a point of weakness, only temporarily bolstered by external validation.

Why not just blow it out of the water? See it for what is, in all its subjectivity and relative unimportance, rather than run around with silly delusions and insecurities. How much more productive would the world be if the female half of the population wasn't so trained to obsess over this?

Granted, taking care of one's appearance is a task I endorse for both men and women -- and there are times when I look around and can't stand the latest anti-beauty aesthetics of fashion. It's about balance and proportion, as in everything.

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I'll be offline for a couple of weeks on spring break.

~Kinky thoughts and bittersweet dreams~

Musings on the Erotic Professional

Today I was supposed to participate in a round-table discussion with other local dominatrices that is set to be aired on Current TV. I decided against it.

I wrestled with this decision, as I saw it as an opportunity to contribute to an intelligent discussion of femme domination. Though in the end, I figured if I've gone this far without showing my face, why do it now?

Although I am not ashamed of what I do, I believe in using as much leverage as possible in life. I am not one to paint myself into a corner. I like to keep my options open.

I do applaud my peers who boldly reveal their visages on their websites. For those willing to take the risk, It is a great example of how dominas are truly different from others within the erotic realm.

Speaking of, look at the big commotion we are currently having over the governor of New York's indiscretions. When I was abroad during the Monica Lewinsky affair, foreigners I encountered were dumbfounded by America's seeming inability to accept the reality of typical, adult male sexual behavior. No doubt, many would view this latest scandal in the same light.

I do have mixed feelings of how session dominas are lumped in with other women engaged in eroticism for fun and profit. Not until I took down my Eros ad did I realize how relieved and happy I felt, not to be on that site anymore with its escorts and masseuses. As if being a Mistress is just an extra spicy appetizer on a plate full of female delights.

Surrounding myself with women who have been drawn to this craft, I have made friends with many who come from a very different background and approach than myself. A fair number of ladies fall into domination after trying out stripping, sensual massage, escorting or the like. More power to them for having the flexibility and strength to engage in these activities. I've learned to reserve judgment, for we are all so different. Yet I know deep down I'm uniquely authentic in this role, having never entertained men in these conventional ways. My friends who have say as much.

I came to session domination as an amateur - a swinger who occasionally attended fetish balls giddily dressed up in a burgeoning collection of vinyl uniforms, corsets and slick feline-inspired attire. I was blissfully immune for the longest time to the more blatantly commodifying aspects of the vocation. The more my eyes opened to to it, the less thrilled I was to put myself out there. Like many women who employ eroticism for gain, I was like a horse with blinders, unconsciously shielding myself from the distasteful side of the work.

In her memoir, Jenna Jameson talks about the fantasy of stripping and the reality of the hard work and ego-battering involved. I have had similar bubble-bursting shifts, from the first time I heard of anonymous online reviews with their cold-blooded ratings of attractiveness and "service" to the time a good friend confessed that she was a high-end escort and made ten times as much as me.

Hookers. What a trip to find that some of my dearest friends are prostitutes. How naive I was back in the day, when I would argue with the head mistress of The Gates over whether or not professional domination is sex work. I jumped in without knowing that the men usually touched themselves - or even that they stripped naked - in session. I just had a vague notion of wearing my cool fetish outfits and acting like catwoman. Well, at least I got that right!

This is how far I've come. When one of my first boyfriends mentioned he had visited prostitutes before we met, I was blown away. In my academically-nourished version of feminism, exploitive, sexist men who oppressed and objectified women did these things. Not nice guys I dated. I actually had to take time off from the relationship to decide whether or not I wanted to continue to be with him.

That was before I realized that almost all men will pay for sexual services at some point during their lifetime. I believe it's the nature of the sexual dynamic that exists between men and women - that men have to pay, that women never have to, and often can get paid. Perhaps the taboo applied to sex work is an attempt to cover up this power imbalance, shaming the women for having the power and charging for it.

So I'm pretty open-minded now. But I will admit that as some of my friends have moved into more explicit sex work, it has compelled me to move farther away from any association with it. Part of me is proud of their accomplishments, that they are some of the highest-rated and most expensive courtesans out there. They are beautiful, sophisticated and highly sexual creatures, unabashed in their financial ambitions and their ability to get what they want out of men.

The other part of me struggles with their decision to focus their creative and clever minds solely on the task of being an amusing companion, eye-candy and plaything on the arm of a wealthy man. These are ladies from good families with parents who are scientists, doctors, serious professionals. It makes me wonder if I could ever be proud of a daughter who is a prostitute.

You may think me a hypocrite for such a statement, especially as a Mistress who is paid tribute. Here's how I see it. I half-jokingly like to say that a pro domme is a lot more like a nun than like any other kind of sex worker. Maybe it's just that I'm not the romantic type, but I've come to believe that prostitutes have more in common with trophy wives and fiancees with the big rocks on their fingers than they do with me. I've always cringed at the so-called submissive who acted like we were on a vanilla date. OK, so we are all on Eros. To me, the extent of the likeness stops there. The difference, beyond the obvious of who assumes the dominant role, is DENIAL.

Indeed, since closing my stable to newcomers, I have become the ultimate tease and denial Mistress! For almost six years, I extended the invitation to apply for servitude. Those who have been around, have had their chance. As for novices, they are better suited elsewhere, my patience for the inexperienced having waned over time. Writing to me now to request entry, telling me that you have been an avid reader of my blog, merely reinforces my opinion that an opportunity was wasted, and not by me. Announcing in advance my impending closure would have been too easy, and only necessary if my primary motive were to milk this for all it's worth financially.

Mistress honestly believes in teaching real lessons in this world, an endeavor made easier now that this has shifted to diversion for me. When I was ready to slow down, it had to change right there and then. Not giving notice may seem "unprofessional" - one reason I no longer define myself under that rubric. When it comes to a craft as intimate as this, the pressure to act "professionally" has always rubbed me the wrong way. To expect someone to act as if the responsibilities involved are as straight-forward and impersonal as the duties of, say, an accountant or dentist is slightly ridiculous. What we do is intensely personal, as tied-in as it is to our moods and passions, as well as our physical bodies.

It does make me laugh that I have to spell this out: my closure is not an ingenious marketing ploy, despite the wave of inquiries I have received ever since! Though I regret any missed opportunities to be served by worthy true believers, surely there are others out there to worship in my place. I am content with my circle. Kinky thoughts and blessings to all. . .

The Other Boleyn Girl & Beowulf

I saw "The Other Boleyn Girl" last night, which is loosely based on the life of Mary Boleyn, sister to Anne Boleyn. Anne is the more famous of the two, having been the short-lived second wife of Henry VIII and the mother of Elizabeth I before she was beheaded. Historically overlooked, Mary in fact also had a relationship with King Henry. She was his mistress (in the more common meaning of the word) before her sister's relationship with him started.

The film portrayed Mary as the younger and more virtuous sister, whereas Anne was scheming and downright nasty. My curiousity was peaked - I wanted to know how accurate it was historically. I did a bit of research to find out the real story (yes I used wiki. If you have a problem with that, do your own research and get back to me!).

True to the film, it appears Mary was considered the more attractive of the two while Anne was the more ambitious. Mary apparently did give herself freely to Henry, whereas Anne held him at bay until he agreed to divorce his wife and marry her. But what I found most fascinating, and in the end disappointing, was an important aspect of Mary's character which was not just brushed over but twisted to its exact opposite.

For Mary was not the feckless virginal younger sister depicted in the film. Rather, she was the older, more sexually experienced sister. Before she ever became the lover of Henry, she had already had a taste of royalty as the mistress of French King Francis I, who later described her as "a great whore, the most infamous of all."

After their affair ended, she embarked on several others in the French court, the scandal of which eventually led to her dismissal. In my mind, the only reason to omit this would be to satisfy a rather limited view of acceptable feminine behavior for a sympathic female protaganist, being that it is Mary we are supposed to be rooting for in this film.

Both the film and historical interpretation agree that Mary avoided the pursuit of politics, the entanglements of which proved so deadly for her younger sister. And historians also seem to agree that her final marriage to a commoner was likely a union born out of true love, as it made no logical sense in terms of familial upward mobility and caused her to be disowned and outcast.

Perhaps she proved the wisest of them all, to figure out what really mattered in this life: love, pleasure and simplicity. Though she faded into obscurity, she alone lived out the remainder of her days in peace, while her only brother and sister were executed for treason. It's just too bad that the film did not have the guts to show her in all her glory, as a wise and sexually adventurous woman. It would have only been hotter!

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On another movie note, I never got around to commenting on Beowulf after it came out, so let me do so now. This movie impressed and surprised me with its femme power elements, I ended up seeing it twice (once in IMAX 3D which was so-so, once regular 3D which was much better). When I saw comic book writer extraordinaire Neil Gaiman on the credits as co-screenwriter, I understood why this had surpassed my expectations and transcended the genre conventions of a typical macho action adventure.

To understand what I found so intriguing about Beowulf, allow me to indulge in a tangent...

I had an English professor for undergrad who liked to have us watch television shows like I Love Lucy and movies like Ordinary People, then reinterpret them from alternative points of view. Basically turning the perspective upside or sideways, so that the antagonists could be seen in a sympathetic light or the peripheral characters came to the forefront. In Europe, I also studied the "histoire des mentalités" or history of world views, which utilized anthropological tools such as statistics and church records in an attempt to understand the marginalized, the covered up and the previously unspoken for.

OK, now back to the movie. Watching Beowulf unfold, the beginning of the story arc proceeded uneventfully and I anticipated an entertaining if unchallenging re-telling of the old Nordic tale. Then the film did something very clever. It shifted. It basically told another version of the warrior's epic poem from a point of view which included the women, and which acknowledged the failings of being human (or in this case, being a man).

I am an unabashed Angelina Jolie fan, and thought she was perfect casting for the ultimate seducer of men. I felt sorry for these hapless men, as they bent to her will and had their lives ruined for it!

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Ah yes, the fantasy of woman as temptress, as the downfall of man. It is a fun one to play with. Sadly, in the case of Anne Boleyn, her inability to provide Henry with a male heir led him to feel he had been bewitched and betrayed. Her seduction of the king - though historically huge, leading as it did to the end of England's ties to the Catholic Church and the establishment of Protestantism as the state religion - was no match for the violent machinations of medieval men. No wonder her daughter stayed the Virgin Queen!

Mistress & Her Delightful Stable

So it's been a while since I blogged and in the meantime you may have noticed some relatively big changes, namely the closing of my stable to newcomers! Yes, this is a good thing for me, reserving my attentions exclusively for my tried and true. As the sixth anniversary of my career as a session domina was fast approaching (June), I realized that it was time to shift gears, settle back, and enjoy the fruits of my labor.

I have acquired an amazing collection of slaves since embarking on this journey as a femme domme. I continue to thrive on these ongoing dynamics of power exchange and friendship. Yet being the renaissance woman that I am, the itch to expand myself further in other areas of my life has grown stronger as well.

Mistress loves to have her cake and eat it too. Thus I have kept what I love most about this craft - my lovely submissives who serve me and know me so well - while trimming away the aspects which felt most like "work" - screening and evaluating new applicants, as well as the marketing and other miscellanea that comes with it.

No, I'm not one to utter the "R" word! Not in the foreseeable future. Why throw out the baby with the bath water? I have a fetish for having my own circle of gentle men, and I see no reason to dismiss those who have delighted me with their servitude.

It's just that Mistress no longer sees herself as a professional at this. That doesn't mean my ethics or boundaries have changed. Those have always been based upon what I desire as a dominant woman and what I see as the proper place of a submissive in my life, not on any industry standards.

Now I see this as a rewarding diversion, and I can't imagine giving it up. On the contrary, as of late I have been enjoying an expansion of my explorations to women's play parties. That has been a beautiful surprise - how fitting it feels to balance that masculine energy with the sweet submission of a slavegirl, or two...

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On another note:

Occasionally, I receive an email from someone stating that they are underage i.e. under 18 years old. I appreciate you seeking me out for advice and doubly appreciate you understanding that I cannot answer these messages.

What a Party! Bay Area Women of Color BDSM Photo Project

Last Friday I had the pleasure of attending a reception at Stormy Leather for the Bay Area Women of Color BDSM Photo Project. Check out the article in the SF Weekly here. That's my lovely cohort Mistress Victoria in a sexy pin-up shot. [Don't forget she is available to top, bottom or switch in session with me!]

All of Ms. Heart's efforts really paid off with this fabulous event. Though the basement of Stormy did make for a packed space, there was some great people-watching to be had.

Heavily pierced and tattooed suicide girls, super skinny latex-clad fetish models, elegant pro dommes, saucily-dressed lifestyle players, gimped out male subs and kinky photographers all mingled, the heat of everyone's bodies practically steaming up the place. The wine and chatter flowed freely, as people perused the exhibit and took in a burlesque show and Madame Butterfly's shibari demo.

I ran into my friend Andrew Morgan, who is the founding photographer for the project. As we chatted, I glanced down at the laminated badge he wore which identified him as being one of the project participants. Oh la la! His badge was actually a photo of me from the hips down in black leather and stockings, sitting crossed-legged while gripping a studded belt.

I found out later that he had a few different photos of me playing on the projector upstairs, including one of my bare bottom in garters leaning over a stool :) It's a nice pic, but one that Mistress has not added to my galleries just yet. I'm afraid it may be too hot for my subs to handle!

We joked about my disembodied approach to photos - necessary, of course, since I do not show my face. I let my friends know, with sarcastic pride, that those were my legs on the front of the printed program (alongside Mistress Victoria and 2 other ladies' images).

It's ironic, I took more than my fair share of women's studies classes where we critically examined the objectification and compartmentalization of women's separate body parts in art and advertisements. And now I find myself doing it to myself. Oh well, Mistress has to present herself in some fashion!

Kudos to Ms. Heart for growing the Women of Color BDSM Photo Project to what it is today. I remember her very first event years ago, when I loaned one of my submissives to help serve. This last time, she extended a personal invitation to me, buttering me up by letting me know she'd appreciate my "eye candy." Oh yes, sometimes flattery will get me there!

Happy Valentine's Day...

Women in Movies

"Watching a fossil like Shayla LaVeaux makes me grateful that former Vivid girl Savannah blew her head off while still young and beautiful. No porn girl should work past 30."

That's a quote from Adam Film World Guide's 2007 Adult Film & Video Directory. Can you believe in this day and age some two-bit reviewer can get away with such shite? It really is pathetic more than anything else. Like the dying gasps of a fish out of water. No wonder I usually just look at the pictures in those magazines, with crap text like that!

While definitely nothing quite incendiary as what's quoted above, I have read reviews of mainstream movies that came off as nothing more than petty femme-bashing rather than critical analysis. One of Angelina Jolie in Tomb Raider saying that she strutted around like she thought she was so great (so what?). Or one review of Original Sin, another Jolie feature, which I thought was one of the best portrayals of a woman caught in the web of her own overpowering sexuality, which described it as silly romance novel trite -this time by a woman reviewer. Bias against the femme perspective - eg romance=derogatory - is not limited to men.

But I am gratified to see how many more powerful roles there are for women in film and TV these days. There was such a dearth when I was growing up. It was all about the fetishization of women as victims back then, screaming and tripping in their stilettos. Or two-dimensional, decorative accessories for the men. Besides Meryl Streep, it was pretty much a mini Dark Ages for femmes in cinema during the 80s and early 90s.

Look at films from the 30s, 40s and 50s. Women were often stronger, more opinionated and sexually respected, even if more restrained within gender roles. I remember reading how Julia Roberts during her heyday was the first woman the studios could rely on to carry a movie, whereas actresses like Betty Davis and Joan Crawford were consistent box office superstars in their day.

Maybe I sound a bit out of touch, but I can't stand all the rutting that goes on in Hollywood films today. It just comes off as embarrassing for the actors. Why not just leave it to porn?

Maybe not everyone compartmentalizes like me. But when I want to be turned on in prelude to actual play, I watch XXX-rated scenes. When I want to think, follow plot and conversation, and be stimulated in a more cerebral or emotional way, I watch non-porn fare.

I do love the sizzling sexual tension and double entendres of older films, before everything could be so spelled -- and acted -- out. It's that same sexual tension I can play with in scene. Sometimes repression can be sexy. The unspoken, or the hinted at. Toying with that excitement til you feel like you could burst at the seams. Old-fashioned cinema is like tease and denial.

I've even heard that sex scenes have affected the average height of actresses, because one has to consider how compatible they will look lying horizontally beneath their acting partners.

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I have been enjoying the new Terminator series The Sarah Connor Chronicles. When they mentioned the Singularity, the Baghavad Gita and the Manhattan Project -- all in the third episode -- I knew I was seeing something unique on broadcast television: a show which didn't dumb down the big questions.

I may not agree with its seemingly luddite take on the prospect of an emerging machine intelligence, but the questions it raises so dramatically make for extremely compelling viewing. For all the hopes I had for the new Bionic Woman, it looks like the Terminator series is the best current offering within the grrrl power genre.

Though I will never forget how inspiring Linda Hamilton was in T2 with her badass muscles and smoky voice - one of my fellow domme friends says watching her was her first inspiration to work out - Lena Headey creates her own formidable presence as the killer mama of the "savior of mankind."

Interview on Sadistic Mistress

I was pleased to be interviewed for Sadistic-Mistress.com.
Check it out here.

Or if that's not working, read below...

Q: Mistress, would You kindly tell us a little about your background and how you became involved in Domination?
A: I entered the field in 2002 after a long-simmering interest in sadomasochism, gender-bending and femme power. I had been leading a life of straight-laced business with plenty of hedonism on the side. Yet I felt the world was changing and a certain innocence had been lost. Mindless indulgences and impersonal work no longer held their sway. I felt an urge to connect with the darker elements of my sexuality as well as establish a creative presence. It was during these tumultuous times that I found liberation from the last ties to convention which held me back from assuming this cherished role.

Q: Mistress, what advice would you give to slaves who wish to serve you?
A: Read my website. Get to know me by taking in my words. Be honest with yourself and ask "What is it that I'm really looking for?" If the answer is genuine submission to a superior woman, then I am interested.

Q: Mistress, what are your favourite types of session?
A: I am what I call a total immersion dominant, and my favourite sessions reflect my philosophy. I do not believe in breaking out of role at any point - whether on the phone, in email or in person. Of course, there will be times when we need to break out of scene, like when checking in after a safeword has been called. Yet the fundamentals of the Dominant woman/deferential man equation must be maintained. This means no dropping of titles or taking on an overly familiar manner, even when play is over. I believe this maintains the integrity of the power dynamic, which after all is the basis of our relationship!

Q: Mistress, do you attend any clubs relating to BDSM/Fetish lifestyle?
A: I'm more of a behind-closed-doors player. Granted, the very nature of professional domination means I am in the public sphere. Yet I see kinky play as a supremely private experience and it works best for me that way. But public events do have their place, and have had a definite impact on my journey. For a number of years, I flirted on the edge of the lifestyle, frequenting the local pervy danceclub here in San Francisco - Bondage-a-go-go. I enjoyed the hard-edged sexiness, the music and the twisted exhibitionism on display. Though there was a special area to do scenes, it existed only on the periphery of my awareness. That all changed one night when I met a beautiful woman clad in high fetish. We flirted and then played. I was completely mesmerized. Later on, I found out she was a dominatrix. That was a pivotal moment for me - understanding what that role really meant. That was when I stepped through the looking glass.

Q: Mistress, What do you prefer to wear during sessions?
A: I was a ballet dancer throughout my childhood, and have always loved how costumes can transform and transport us. The two styles I like best are high fetish - black vinyl, leather and latex - and business outfits, because of their natural association with power. I also enjoy creative scenarios which call for unusual attire. It's great to mix it up, be a bit of a chameleon, and have fun imagining being a sexy secret agent or undercover superheroine with all these different looks.

Q: Mistress, please could you describe your style of dominance?
A: Elegant yet passionate, a melding of the heart and mind. It truly is all about the connection, finding that link between kinky souls. The rest follows from there. I do like to keep my submissives on their toes, guessing what's next and surprising them with changes in direction during scene. It's pleasure but so much more. I believe each encounter should be a lesson as well. Sadism is key, be it psychological, physical or mixture of the two. Subjugation, control, restraint, interrogation, service, humiliation, exposure and pain are powerful tools. I am not interested in blindly imposing my will, or forgoing all rewards. Everything is done for a reason.

Q: Mistress, do you also indulge in other activities such as phone domination, email/online, training?
A: I am primarily an in-person domina, though I have enjoyed phone training via my Keen.com page.

Q: Mistress, what are the things you most like and dislike in a slave?
A: I like slaves who appreciate the boundaries I establish. I dislike slaves who believe they are exempt from my rules.

Q: Mistress, what are your favourite gifts from a slave?
A: I appreciate the gift of my slave's submission and suffering. The gift of their pride laid bare as they kneel before me. I consider it a truly courageous act, especially because we live in a world where men are always supposed to be so "alpha."

Q: Mistress, what advice would you give to a novice who has never visited a Mistress before?
A: Do your homework. Err on the side of caution. Have a clear idea of what it is you are seeking, yet at the same time keep an open mind and leave your expectations at the door.

Q: Mistress, do you own any 24/7 slaves?
A: I am involved in kink in my private life, but do not believe in 24/7 total power exchange. I believe in free will and personal responsibility outside of playtime.

Q: Mistress, what about those slaves looking for a long term serious commitment of slavery to you. What would be your requirements of such a slave?
A: I thrive on long-term interactions. In my experience, a well-suited Dominance/submission dynamic only gets better with time, as the extent of the connection is built and progresses. A large part of my stable have been seeing me for the past four years or more. I welcome new applicants who are serious about training under me, especially those seeking ongoing servititude.

Q: Mistress may you please tell us how we may obtain more details about you and how to serve you?
A: My website is www.Xia-BDSM.com. I advise seekers to fill out the submission questionnaire on my site and send it along with a short introduction to me at XiaVox@gmail.com. When it looks like there is potential for a rewarding energy exchange, I conduct a telephone interview. I then invite a suitable submissive to serve me during an initial, evaluatory session.

Grab the Bull By the Horns Free Will & Slave Games

The new year brings not just resolutions for Mistress. I see it as a time to reflect on the meaning and symbolism behind the kinky play that is so much a part of my life. It's gratifying to feel a sense of progression in my philosophy, with the greater clarity achieved through active self examination.

Readers who have been with me for some time may recall that the topic of my own spiritual explorations has creeped into more than a few of my posts. Learning to open my heart to people and unwind my own ego attachments were powerful experiences, and I believe these steps were important to my development.

I now find myself re-balancing that receptive energy with a dive into a more assertive mode. I've come to believe more than ever in free will: the power that each individual holds, and how every one of us must make a choice whether to be passive or take life by the horns.

So how does my reinvigorated indeterminism fit with my role as dominatrix, with its games of enslavement? How can I espouse personal responsibility seemingly in the face of its abdication? The answer lies in that it is a game we are playing, no more and no less.

By definition, a game is the playful, peaceful way of learning about a thing. It gives one the ability to consummate a desire without it being anything as serious as a life or death matter.

It also is a means of release. For there is no doubt in my mind that the urge to submit and suffer, to be made to kneel, crawl and beg, to feel the hot burn of humiliation or the the cold hold of possession - these are very real. For many of us, there must be a catharsis.

Our modern society has developed outlets so that we may continue to challenge ourselves, test what we're made of, and feel closer to that primal self which resides within each of us. Kinky play is one such outlet. It does not require that you jump out of a plane or ingest some drug, though it can be equally as intense in its effects.

For me, the play is fun exactly because it is make-believe. I do not really want to own a slave. Not in the sense that I want to rule over another who has no rights of his own and no power to object. The consent of my "victim" permits me to indulge and enjoy my sadism and my desire for control.

Of course, there are those who dream of a 24/7 total power exchange. Just as there are those who flock to the various dogmas of the world, some think it's better to be told what to do. They abandon free will for the elixir of assurance in the face of the great mystery; the unanswerable Why of it all.

In my experience, play works best when it's an embracing of the truth rather than an escape from reality. When we have the courage and liberation to run into the heart of darkness, feel the fear and the dirtiness as well as the ecstasy and the exaltation, wrestling happily with the demons which are our shadow.

Yes, invoking our deepest-held and most taboo fantasies is one way of grabbing onto the bull horns of life. Then we gain not only pleasure but something else: an invisible badge of our twisted journey, marking what we have seen and earned.

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Speaking of exercising free will, my dear friend Mistress Victoria has recently left The Gates to session independently. She joined me last week and we had wickedly sadistic fun with a lovely submissive. We have great scene chemistry, especially for heavier play involving humiliation, bondage, CBT, NT and corporal. Feel free to get in touch with me if interested in a double whupping!

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I recently updated the password to my special gallery. Those in my stable may contact me for the new one. Have a wonderful weekend...

Advice to a novice seeker

Below is something I just wrote up in reply to a sincere novice applicant who recently sent in his completed submission questionnaire. I thought it succinctly eludicated some important points for novices interested in serving me, so I thought I'd put it out there for all the rest.

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. . . I understand that you are a total novice, in terms of actual real-life D/s play. I applaud you for taking the courageous first step towards fulfilling your innermost desires!

Now a few important points for you to consider. Firstly, with whomever you begin training with, remember to leave your expectations at the door. No doubt, you have been fantasizing about this for a long time. An entire universe may have been constructed in your head. In my past experiences with total novices, it sometimes seems that these prefabricated notions can actually become obstacles to surrending oneself in the here and now. So something to keep in mind as you prepare to meet the Mistress.

You mentioned attending a few munches, but I take it you have not played with anyone you met there? So you have decided to begin your training with a professional dominatrix rather than attempt a "lifestyle" relationship. Since you have no experience in either, I would expect you may have some confusion as to the differences. There are many, and they can be subtle. Some within the lifestyle community, a fair number of whom seem reflexively dismissive of pro dommes, would say that the difference is that those who do this for a living are "pretenders."

Of course, I see it in a more complex light. For one, I enjoy the well-defined boundaries of a session-based dynamic. And while I do consider myself a genuine dominant, my bandwidth is such that my training of new submissives is limited to session time. Remote sessions or other forms of training may also be possible, within my time constraints and with appropriate tribute. I note this in regards to your desire to have assignments and duties between meetings.

If this all sounds suitable to your submissive aspirations, feel free to follow up with me. . .

Storming into 2008

2008 is sneaking up on us, isn't it? Mistress can hardly believe that the year is almost over! Can you believe I haven't even made New Year's plans? This year I think I'll forgo the big parties. Perhaps head into the woods and enjoy the quiet peace that only Mother Nature can provide.

Though some may think it a bit contrived, I do look at this time to contemplate where I have been and where I'd like to go in this life's journey. Year-end reviews are not so much in the form of resolutions for me, at least not in the sense of hard and fast rules that I hope to enforce upon myself. It's more of a self-examination and a brain-storming session to come up with new goals to focus on and areas to explore.

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I had a conversation today with a prospective submissive about a particular fetish which I have yet to indulge in, but which has intrigued me for some time. We spoke of the thrill of playing on that psychological edge, where both top and bottom players are challenged, so that the energy itself takes on an almost uncomfortable quality. I know such scenes are not for everyone. Yet the thought of it most definitely gave Mistress a rush! I will refrain from writing further about this unnamed fetish until I have tested the waters a bit more...

Though I will say that, within reason (which of course, is subjective), I am open to many kinds of play scenarios. Equally as important as the fetish being indulged in, is the mental exchange. I have found that most smart people who have a sense of humor and a level of self-awareness indicative of someone who works on him/herself are great "partners in crime" in the dungeon. So much of what goes on is above and beyond the physical acts. Bottom line for me: it's all about the mind fuck.

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2008 will be my first New Year as an independent dominatrix. I spent this past year transitioning. I have been so very grateful for the continued support and amazing connections I have enjoyed with my stable of submissives, as well as the new faces (and bodies and minds!) who have humbled themselves before me.

Now I feel it's time to heighten my presence within the international community of serious Mistresses. I am also contemplating moving my site url and email to a more uniform "xiavox" address, especially since the dash in my website and the dot in my email address can get a bit confusing.

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Happy New Year all you lovely kinksters! Peace, blessings and wicked times. . .

~Mistress Xia Vox~

fyi- special gallery updated today

Happy Holidays sluts!

I have just had a wonderful streak of sweet n saucy sissy sluts (try saying that 3 times fast!). Wickedly good fun whipping my lovely pussy-boys into proper shape as servants and servicers ;-) It all has been quite inspiring. It does feel like I'm coming back to my roots.

Gender-bending, wielding the power of the phallus and slut training have been dear to my heart from the start of my journey as a dominant. Sadly, I more recently felt compelled to shy away from this strong passion of mine because of too many negative encounters. I still love the imagery and symbolism of strap-ons, but dislike how it attracts inquiries of a decidedly unseemly caliber.

No doubt, harness and dildo can be straight-to-the-point tools in the sodomizing of man by woman. But it needn't be so simplistic and lacking in subtlety. When I say I love this, it does not mean I want to bugger every Tom, Dick and Harry who happens to cross my path!

To me, the term slut training is so much more than a mere synonym for strap-on play. It's an entire way of seeing the D/s dynamic - one where the submissive is a slave to his own lust, and that is the key by which Mistress controls him. Chained to his wayward libido, the slave is at the mercy of the Woman Who Knows. Yes, the woman who knows the truth of his depravity, and who can match the dirtiest of his thoughts and take the twist even further.

Happy holidays sluts! Mistress looks forward to more blissful perversions in 2008...

New Gallery - Andrew Morgan

      Andrew Morgan Gallery

Andrew Morgan Shoot #1

Agent Xia

More from David Perry. He's awesome!

Samurai Xia

A killer pic from a recent shoot. Very Kill Bill/Sin City/Underworld. More to come soon. . .

~Mistress

Special Gallery Updated

To those in my stable-

Added a few more pics to the password protected gallery.

Enjoy!

~Mistress

Ava Noir ~ Xia Vox

I was both surprised and incredibly flattered to find a note in my inbox entitled "Apprentice" from Ms. Ava Noir. She had read my Comrades-in-Arms page, where I encourage like-minded women to train under me, and she let me know she was interested in becoming my protege.

As some of you may know, Ms. Noir has been practicing the craft of professional domination for the past two years. So many others with her level of experience would never think of approaching a fellow domina, but Ava had the guts and humility to know that such a relationship could prove fruitful and rewarding for us both. She let me know of her desire to delve deeper into certain skill sets including bondage, CBT, electroplay, CP, and play piercing.

Above and beyond activity particulars, I believe there is also much to glean from observing how an experienced dominant works with those intangible qualities of presence and energy exchange. And as for me, I am already inspired by Ava's enthusiasm and motivation. Indeed, I think the two of us together will prove to be a force to be reckoned with, and a whole hell of a lot of fun too!

So I am pleased to announce the opportunity to serve Ms. Ava Noir and Mistress Xia Vox together. Powerful, beautiful, crafty and twisted. Of the Asian persuasion and dominant to the core. Enjoy the flexing of our muscles -- both mental and physical -- as we explore your submission.

Those interested in seeing the two of us in a double session may inquire by sending me an email: Xia.BDSM@gmail.com. If you have not served me before, please take the time to fill out my submission questionnaire.

Seeing More of Me

New images of Mistress should be a sweet salve for my diminished writing (see last post). I just finished up one shoot and have at least a couple more lined up. They will be added to my main site shortly. In the meantime, here is picture of me relaxing on my throne. Enjoy...

Oh Xia, Wherefore Art Thou Online?

I know some of you are going through withdrawal with me not posting lately, but I really do have to take it easy with the computer. I am realizing overuse of this most convenient and ubiquitous device can be quite disastrous for me. So it looks like I'll be extending my break a bit longer - don't expect much for at least the next month or so. Thankfully, my arm strain has not affected my topping abilities! Be well...

~Mistress Xia

End of Summer

I've got to lay off the keyboard to avoid further strain on my arm - I've been writing a lot for this project I'm working on. I'll have to forgo any more entries until after Burning Man. Take care and have a great Labor Day (it's the end of summer already!). I'll be back blogging in September.

From Russia With Love

A friend sent me this link, an article in Russian using the cyrillic alphabet which features several photos from my site. At first perplexed, I ran it through Google's translator and got this rough translation.

There are many idiomatic phrases which failed to cross over -- and make for funny, almost poetic reading. But from what I can make out, the author seems to recounting her experience working at houses of domination in New York.

Why my pictures are used is a bit of a mystery, but I do appreciate the caption beneath each which identifies me.

I'll take it as a compliment that my images are so iconic they can represent the Femme Domme aesthetic in some random article published on the other side of the world!

Popularity, Exclusivity and Taking the Leap

I am a sucker for analytics. Like Alexa, which allows you to see how websites rank in terms of overall traffic on the internet. Since I launched it in '03, www.Xia-BDSM.com has consistently been in the top 500,000 of all sites online. In the month or so that I had it down recently, it decreased to 830,000. Now that it's back up, it's climbing ever higher and is currently in the area of the top 750,000.

So part of me was happy to see the traffic go down, losing all these casual viewers who have probably never sessioned with me and never will. I am by nature a private person, and in that sense a lower profile appeals to me.

Predictably for me ;-) I am a bit torn. We are all taught from a young age that popularity is important and desirable. We are witness to the darker side of too much attention, with the growing feeding frenzy invasiveness of being a Hollywood celebrity. Yet people still run towards it, like moths to a flame.

I suppose that's why I've always tried to have my cake and eat it too. By creating a web presence that's a force to be reckoned with, while at the same time hiding my face and keeping my number unlisted.

Who knows what the future holds. Moving towards more exclusivity may be the natural path. Perhaps one day it will make sense to have my entire site be password-protected, as the amazing Mistress Simone Kross has done.

Earlier in my career, it was much more impactful for me -- in ways both positive and negative -- to be mentioned in an online venue or receive some other public sign of my high demand. Yet after the novelty of such attention wore off, I found such matters to be of far less significance to me.

I've become less tossed about in the swirls and eddies of group opinion, retaining my flexibility while gaining greater stability. I have felt myself move closer to true authenticity as a domina as I've come into my own. It has been a process of building up what I thought I needed to bolster my case, then letting all that became extraneous fall away.

I am a planner, yet I have learned in life to allow the organic to unfold. Admittedly, it was challenging to have so much stripped away. It was time for those last few scraps of security blanket to be put down. One by one they fell: my over-reliance on strap-on skills, my clinging to The Gates, my ego addiction, even my use of private fantasies and relationships to color my view during scene.

I realized that these were all barriers to being present in the here and now with my submissives. My deepest fear was that if I let them all go, I would no longer enjoy playing with them. I did not entirely trust myself, and thought I needed to resort to these mental slights of hand.

Then there came a point where I knew that if I couldn't take pleasure in this craft without fooling myself in one way or another, it was no longer worth pursuing. I took the leap. And I flew!

By being brutally honest with myself, I find that I am now surrounded by people of the highest caliber and revelling further in the sweet fruits of my femme power. Faith works wonders.

Updated Gallery - For My Slaves

A quick note to my slaves~

I just added more photos to my private gallery. I know that I haven't gifted the password to everyone, so feel free to get in touch with me. It's restricted access because I want to reserve something special for those who are actively serving me. Plus there are certain images which I only feel comfortable sharing with submissives whom I have met and had successful scenes together. These beautiful pictures offer a multi-dimensional view of Mistress. Enjoy!

Lovely Ladies

I am pleased to announce that my dear friend Christine, a lifestyle submissive who recently entered the professional arena, is now available for double sessions. Chrisine's website is www.silkchristine.com.

I have connections with most of the established dommes in the Bay Area, and have an especially convenient set-up playing out of Maison de la Maitresse in San Francisco, where several other prominent dominas also conduct sessions. If you are wondering if a particular combination is possible, feel free to ask.

Here is a more recent pic of wicked Mistress Isa. I am sad to see her go, but excited at the prospect of doing a few last scenes together. She will only be available this coming week, then again the last week in August when I'll be out of town. With so little time for her to play, I'm going to go ahead and plug her here for one-on-ones as well. She may be reached at themistressisa@yahoo.com.



Here is a pic of wild Mistress Sophie, visiting from Paris. She is now more of a redhead than a blonde, but otherwise just as stunning and powerful. La Maitresse has been a joy to play off of in scene together -- naturally kinky, creative and spontaneous. I look forward to more...

Double Trouble

I must admit, since leaving The Gates I have missed the feminine camraderie of a group dynamic. So though in the past I was hesitant to bring in new energy into a scene, lately I have discovered the joys of adding other ladies into the mix. And two of my favorite femme fatales have popped up and are available for doubles.

Sweet and sexy Mistress Isa is retiring from professional domination and having one last hurrah before she goes. Scroll down my blog and you will see a nice picture of Isa and me with a strap-on. She is available for doubles with me from August 1st - 10th.

Former circus performer and French vixen Mistress Sophie is visiting from Paris for at least the next month. She is available for doubles with me starting on the 5th of August.

I also recently trained a lovely petite Filipina domina named Hana, who is now at The Gates. Hana took the initiative of contacting me to ask if she could apprentice under me.

I discussed the possibility of taking on a trainee with other indie pro dommes and got mixed to negative reviews on the process. I was told it was a lot of work and that they could be flaky.

But Hana completely charmed me and I decided to take a chance with her. I am glad I did! I realized how much I love teaching for its own sake, and Hana was wonderful inside and outside of scene.

So, I am now entertaining applicants for apprenticeship under me. The following qualities are essential: being personable, presentable, timely, ethical and enthusiastic.

Back from La La Land. . . But Not for Long!

I'm back! At least for the next four weeks. Then I'll be away again on a camping/Burning Man trip. I haven't been to the Burn since 2002, so it should be interesting to re-visit this great art/party/society experiment in the Nevada desert. Of course being "old school," (I first went in '96 and made it out there about every 3 years since), I have had to shed my preconceived notions and expectations of how it should be.

It seems like whenever we have an amazing experience somewhere, we want to hold onto it, possess it and claim it as our own. We don't want it to change, and any change that does happen always seems for the worse. I have seen this happen over many cycles now with Burning Man. Different urban tribes fighting over the right to call Black Rock City their home. The Mission hipsters versus the glittery club kids versus the Mad Max goths versus the new age circus freaks versus. . . You see what I mean.

I guess I'm feeling more philosophical about it after having recently completed a 2-week-long silent meditation retreat. The idea of impermanence was the main focus of the teachings given. Alas, there would be no soft landing back in San Francisco where I could slowly integrate the realizations and clarity I experienced after so many days of sitting for hours on end observing myself. Instead I had to make a last-minute trip down south to take care of some family matters. Less than 24 hours after leaving the peaceful grounds of the meditation center, I found myself checking into a hotel in Hollywood. Ah well, I am sure that was somehow part of the lesson I needed to learn. The universe has a great sense of humor in its delivery of blessings - just when you think that you've figured it all out and can stay in that blissful zone, you're tripped up and humbled all over again.

What is it about my hometown that gets to me? It's the sheer and relentless negativity of the place. It's so rare to catch people in unguarded moments smiling down there. It's like a black cloud that hovers over everything. I realized when I was down there that it is possible to be a beacon of light amid this darkness, but I haven't gotten there yet. I'm a bit like a hothouse flower who doesn't do well in the extreme conditions of that land. But I am getting better at creating a shield of positivity around me. Maybe one day. . .

I went out one night to a dance club a few blocks from the hotel. Outside after hours it was a total scene. All the women wore really high stiletto heels and short dresses that looked like shirts. Cliques of people talked among themselves, yet you could tell that unlike the San Francisco club scene, nobody there knew anyone else beyond their little group. I think only the famous get to have a sense of community in the nightlife scene. In a way, they ruin it for everyone else. If you don't have money or fame, you are considered a peon. That's probably why LA has that distinctively Third World feeling to it.

The club had very attractive people - perfect hair, faces and bodies - but such harsh energy, not open or friendly. Nice cars in the lot - lamborghinis, bentleys, rolls royce. And lots of papparazzi. Oh, there must be celebrities here. Who's that in the chauffer-driven SUV they're all taking pictures of? Could it be? Damn, it is Paris Hilton. The windows are tinted but lit up by the strobes of the camera flashes. She is talking on the phone, tilting and turning her head every second to show a different angle to her face. Wow, I guess she's real and not a figment of our collective imagination. Though she could be a cylon, don't you think? ;-)

A few nights later I headed to TS-themed Illusions at Club 7969. There were three transsexual performers who danced, lipsynched and stripteased down to topless. My favorite is Yasmin Lee. It's always a bit strange to talk to someone you've watched having sex on your computer, but she is totally sweet and self-assured. I like it when a TS is completely comfortable and not threatened by me. That's as important to me as sexiness. Yasmin loves sex and tells me how she had a few gangbangs at Power Exchange back in the day. I asked if it was for a movie. She says no and I say "even better."

We also meet Bob from Bob's T-girls. At first I don't realize that he's the Bob from the well-known TS porn site, then I'm like "Oh you're that Bob!" It was kinda funny. He probably doesn't get too many genetic women who know who he is.

As soon as I walked into Illusions, I felt like I had come home. Sure, there was plenty of plastic and a superficial focus. But this was outsider's territory. People daring to walk outside convention to fulfill their dreams, despite the disapproval and discrimination. I felt giddy in there, excited by the uninhibited sexual energy of the TS performers and clubgoers, and feeling support for my own unconventional approach to sexuality.


Watching non-genetic women shake their booty had less emotional baggage and was more pure enjoyment for me. Real women are practically required to flaunt their goods in places like LA, which makes it no fun. You see that look in some real women's eyes: that tired, hungry, bored gaze that comes from perpetually putting on a show and waiting for validation. Hollywood's shadow turns every woman into a whore down here. It's pretty obnoxious and old-fashioned. But in Illusions, sitting there with my hair tied back, no make-up and glasses to show that I wasn't playing that game tonight, I just felt like I wanted to hold and protect this space where true sexual liberation was being exalted and celebrated. Now that was beautiful.

Well, it's good to be back! 4 weeks to play. . .

Summer Time

Those who have been following my blog for some time know that summertime Mistress gets a bit lazy about writing. So many fun things to do out in the sun rather than sit at my desk chained to the computer!

So I'm extending my vacation through to the end of July. I will be checking email and have my appointment phone, so feel free to contact me to set something up for August.



I'd also like to give an honorable mention to my dear sweet N for the lovely gift of the leather riding crop with Swarovski diamante encrusted handle (catalogue photo above) from that most excellent of lingerie designers - Agent Provocateur. Nicely done! I just love their aesthetic. How most of their models seem to have naturally gorgeous bodies, which look so sleek in those sexy little fashions. They also have that extra bit of naughtiness in their presentation -- perhaps because they are based out of London rather than puritanical America -- with playful kinkiness on display in some of their photos, the models holding paddles to each other's bottoms or wearing collars and leads. Now that's my kind of lingerie shoppe!

I promise to write more when I get back from my trip. Until then, keep it twisted. . .

Going Under

Going Under
Here we go again. This got deleted the first time...

A like-minded girlfriend of mine asked me to accompany her to a screening of the independent film "Going Under" at the Roxy. Since the two of us both have an interest in femme domination and psychology, we looked forward to seeing how the relationship between a pro domme and her client (who is a therapist) would be portrayed. The story revolved around their obsessive interactions, which move from weekly BDSM sessions to off-site, informal chats and attempts at more conventional forms of intimacy.

Shortly after the film started, my friend and I found ourselves stifling laughter at various aspects of the storyline. From our point of view as pro dommes, some of the details did not seem believable. It became obvious to us that this was coming exclusively from a client's point of view. There wasn't a sense that the script had even been run by a pro domme or two to get their perspective. For example, there is one scene where the dominatrix meets with a woman who runs a house of domination and they repeatedly refer to their "customers." I have been a professional dominant for almost five years. I don't think I've ever heard any of my peers refer to the individuals who see them as their "customers." It sounds tacky. It's usually "clients," though some of us like to always refer to our people as our subs or slaves. I have only heard men use the word "customer", so when I heard it coming out of the mouths of women in the industry, it did not ring true.

There is another scene where the domme says rather too sweetly and submissively, "Would you like to get pierced?" Her client is laying back - not tied up! - with his arms folded behind his head, looking relaxed and kingly. "Sure," he says. She then proceeds to pierce him using her bare hands. I know there are a few brave souls out there who eschew gloves, but for most of us that is an unnecessary and stupid risk. My friend and I agreed that the energy of the scene didn't feel right. It was too casual and too overtly focused on pleasing the man. My scenes are much more controlled and immersed in a Dominant/submissive dynamic. In this film, it all came off much more as a service being provided. The domme was emotionally fragile and overly acquiescent -- she even cries after one session! Her power is portrayed as little more than a facade.

Though not the most politically correct conclusion, my friend and I attributed part of the domme's lack of leverage to the fact that she was quite plain. One cannot deny that men, who are so visually-oriented, are more easily manipulated by a pretty face. The story felt real in the sense that I could tell it was based on some man's adventures. And in that way, it was fascinating if a bit horrifying -- frankly, he would not have been an ideal applicant for myself, with his boundary-pushing and neediness.

An underlying theme of this overwrought drama is guilt. Confronted about her growing closeness to this client, the domme is told by her girlfriend that she has a "guilty look on your face." The man's wife, who has an agreement with him which allows him to see pro dommes, tells him "You know, you hurt me." All this hand-wringing and agonizing. The misguided desire to take responsibility for other people's emotions. Hang Up Central. Like I've said before, guilt and shame can be a fun game to play. But I prefer real life to be a bit on the lighter side.

The film did provoke some soul-searching in myself about my next steps as a domme. I realized even more how important it is that those who serve me take their role as submissive seriously, rather than see me primarily as a service provider. I plan on going over my site content, making any adjustments which may better reflect my current state of mind. I want to take out any remnants of brazen commercialism. This work is too sacred to boil it down to just that. A subtle, mysterious and sophisticated journey, a sensual-spiritual connection, cathartic sacrifice and ecstatic tribute. These are some of my truths. . .

I am alive with ideas, open both to the possibilities and the sense of not knowing yet what is to come. I embrace my powers, and relish putting these talents to even greater use as events unfold. The wheels are turning!

On that note, for those who remember this picture, Isa will be available to join me in session after next week. As you can see, there may be greater flexibility of activities with a fellow femme player present -- like Mistress busting out her strap-on! And the good news does not stop: I may have a lovely cohort training with me soon. Ah yes, I like the idea of an apprentice.

What I've Been Reading and Watching: Kushiel's Dart, The Gwen Araujo Story

I recently finished the first two books in a fantasy series by Jacqueline Carey. The first is called "Kushiel's Dart" and it is heart-stoppingly good! Set in a mythical post-medieval France, the story centers on a courtesan who is also trained as a spy. She is an anguisette, which means she experiences pain as pleasure. She is trained as an adept of one of the Houses of Naamah. Servants of Naamah are male and female courtesans whose work carries the sacred weight of a spiritual act. Each house has its own focus, including ones for aesthetic perfection, merriment, sadism, masochism, and money fetish. There is plenty of hot BDSM in the novel, as well as court intrigue, romance and epic battles. Ms. Carey is a highly perceptive and daring author, with insights touching upon the nature of human interactions, politics, sex and sociology. I loved it!

I caught "A Girl Like Me: The Gwen Araujo Story" on the Lifetime channel. I half didn't want to watch it because I knew it would break my heart. No happy ending here. I was really moved by this story, which brought me to tears too many times to count. Gwen's struggle to be accepted by her family, her misguided romance with an ex-Marine who supposedly didn't know she was transgender, her lack of support at high school leading to skipped days and a drinking problem. I think we have all felt the pain of not belonging, of wanting to be loved for who we are, of not wanting to pretend anymore. But even more than that, I relate to TSs in a more subtle way. Even if they want to play at sweet and innocent, their cocks make them a target. It's like "nasty girl" written across their forehead. Too many close-minded people think that means they do not deserve respect. I know what it's like to be oppressed for my dirty mind. Shame sucks when it's not a game.

I remember when I first heard the news of her death, which took place in Hayward here in the Bay Area. She was murdered by 3 young men she had "tricked" at a party. Believing her a biological female, she had messed around with each. Later on, she was lured back so they could take their revenge. She was only 17 years old.

I remember the shock of it. How could this happen so close to San Francisco? Here we are in our golden cage. Hayward? I can't say I've ever been there. In mentality, it seems a thousand miles away. At least that's how it was portrayed in the film. In fact, they didn't even mention its proximity to San Francisco.

After watching her story, the only consolation I could think of was knowing that these men who killed her, who were so afraid of their own sexuality, are now in the hell of jail -- a place with plenty of grim opportunities to test their sexuality further. Revenge is such an empty feeling.

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Recently, I've noticed the term "straponista" being used by other pro dommes. Now if I may be so bold, I do believe that I helped spread this particular meme. Three years ago, I came up with the word Straponista as a play on the word Fashionista. I had just watched Fashionistas - the fetish-laden porn starring Rocco and Belladonna. At the time, I was totally into the fantasy of being a femme version of Rocco, rocking it out with my cock out. I even started a yahoo group called Straponista for strap-on lovers to congregate, though I never had time to keep it up so it's probably all spammed out at this point.

Those of you who have been with me for a while may recall the Straponista photo album on my old site. I'll always love the gender-bending power of dildo and harness, though these days I am not so keen to pull it out at the drop of a hat. I am a bit more restrained in person as well as on the web, so you won't see those photos on my main site anymore. But if you are in my stable and would like to take a peak, you may request a password to the special gallery where I have all those fun strap-on pics on display.

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I am enjoying pushing myself with new physical challenges. Rock climbing has been a sport I've started exploring. Even in the crowded climbing gyms of the Bay Area, it's become obvious to me that this activity is so much about the individual facing up to her own fears and fatigue. It's been a trip. I'm also planning on getting certified to dive soon, though I admit the cold waters of Monterey don't sound that inviting. Getting more adventurous in more ways than one!

New Perspective

It has become clearer to me since leaving The Gates that there are some fundamental differences between the majority of those who see ladies in a house and those who see independents. Of course, it would take this leap from one territory to another for it to become more apparent to me. No one had really explained it to me fully, and in fact I had been told there were no real qualitative differences between the two in terms of running of the scene. But I have not found that to be the case. Fortunately, I am quite pleased with the change.

Now from this new vantage point, what have I noticed? For one, there seem to be less expectations on the part of my submissives. I welcome this, and admit that if I had known how much of a hustle it was before in comparison, I would have gone independent sooner. I think there is a certain type of man who likes to go to houses because his fantasy is that the women there are relatively free and easy. He is the one who asks for full nudity, girl-girl and toyshows (none of which I ever did), not tipping beyond the $150 for the hour as he says "So am I the first you've seen today?" with a glint in his eye, imagining how many men have been on their knees before them. I always found it strange that the men who expected the most gave the least, though I suppose it makes sense if one sees the women as cheap sluts. By my last year at the house, what with all my skills and experience, I really began to chafe at these most undesirable of servants.

As for independence, I think for the submissive it feels more special to know that you have the undivided attention of the Mistress, such that one is more willing to pay greater tribute while at the same time be less demanding in requests of activities, particularly those of a sensual nature. I suppose it comes down to the fact that it is that much closer to the ideal of true femme domination, where one is happy for the simple privilege of being in the presence of a beautiful and wickedly clever Mistress. And with the sumptuous settings of the private playspaces at my disposal, as soon as one walks through the door the dynamic begins. So it is more of an all-encompassing experience.

Yet even with this knowledge, I would not have left too soon from The Gates. I cherish the camraderie I felt with the other ladies there. And I do not think I would feel as comfortable with my independence if I did not have my ample stable to support me through the transition. Truth be told, independence almost feels like semi-retirement. Now that I no longer spend three days a week in the East Bay, I have more time, energy and inspiration to continue expanding my explorations both within and outside the world of kink. I still take sessions at least twice a week, but it is so much easier to work my appointments around the rest of my day rather than take up the whole of it.

Towards the end of my time at the house, I think I began to use it as means of stalling, afflicted by trepidation at what to do next. I mean, being a full-time dominatrix is a tough act to follow. I did not want to find myself back in the grind of mundane work. Thankfully, my session tributes have allowed me the freedom and flexibility to explore my options with joyfulness and power, which is so much better than coming from a place of anxiety or desperate need. And I have discovered that it can be equally fun and exciting to inhabit other personas -- writer and businesswoman, to name two I am concentrating on at the moment. I confess to relishing a dramatic framework from which to view my life, and am thankful for the opportunities which continue to present themselves to me in that vein. Carpe diem, indeed.

I'm Back!

I'm back from vacation and feeling well rested and ready to play! I'll be posting a more specific schedule on my site soon. Enjoy this beautiful day :-)

Outdoor Adventures

I just got back from an exhilarating cross country ski trip in Tahoe. I am leaving tomorrow for Florida: snorkeling the coral reefs off the Keys, canoeing the Everglades and partying in South Beach. For those who have sent me emails or submitted a questionnaire in the last few days, I'll be following up after I return on the 26th.

"Consistency is the Horror of the World"

With my recent independence has come a welcome shift in perspective: taking sessions feels much more like a fun, secret hobby and a lot less like a real job. Not spending three days a week crossing the bridge for an 8+ hour shift has freed up my schedule. This has allowed me the opportunity to delve into other work and interests, which in turn has made me even more appreciative of my session time while also motivating me to even higher standards of play. My questionnaire on my website has been a boon, assisting me in screening for the most suitable candidates for my particular style of domination.


"Consistency is the horror of the world," wrote Brenda Ueland. I love that quote because for me, each day brings its own realizations as I continually shift and flow. Some people think of a plan and stick with it no matter what. I prefer to combine reason with intuition, both thinking and feeling my way to the next level. And so my mind changes, which you may have witnessed in the reading of my blog. God forbid! I don't know why people act like it's the worst thing thing in the world to change one's mind. Ideas may be fleeting for me. But my passions, my committments -- those are unusually strong in me, inspiring loyalty and deep connection.

Before, I thought that being a full-time dominatrix was best. Don't we always think that whichever way we are currently doing something is best? Our silly mind chatter! It's really quite laughable if you don't take it all so seriously. I remember reading this quote from the porn star Francesca Le, who has been making movies since the early '90s. For most of her career she had un-augmented, very small breasts. Then a few years back she got breast implants. She was talking about picking female talent for a series she was directing and she said something like "There's nothing worse than a woman who's skinny and flat-chested." Whoa! Wasn't that you for most of your career, Ms. Le? We become so attached to whatever our current view is, even to the point of bashing our former incarnations. If we can't even accept our former selves, how are we supposed to have tolerance for anyone else?

It's about time! That's how I feel about broadening my career path. After four years of being exclusively a pro domme, certain patterns have become engrained. Come on, wouldn't you be a little spoiled too if you'd been worshipped, adored and served -- your virtues extolled in verse, your whims catered to with precious gifts and your every command taken as the word of the Goddess? Yet despite these small challenges, being Mistress Xia continues to be an incredibly enriching and rewarding experience. Certainly, most of what I have learned has been good. Inhabiting this role has imbued me with a graceful ease and self assurance in my own uniqueness, along with so much more. Yet I am glad that I made the decision to diversify at this point. I am looking forward to getting involved in traditional business again (oh that's going to make all the rest seem that much more naughty!) and I've been working on my non-Xia writing as well. It's all about balance. I think that will only make me a better Mistress. Now the hours I spend in the dungeon are simply a time of joyful immersion in Mistress-slave play, with submissives I enjoy and who truly get me.

On Vacation March 9th - 26th

What a beautiful day it's been! Just wanted to let everyone know that I will be on vacation starting Friday March 9th until Sunday March 25th.

I have some availability next week before I leave. Check in with me at xia.bdsm@gmail.com or call my appointment line.

Spike

As I sat there, working on the computer, with the television on the in background playing Spike TV -- program after program of men beating each other up or acting like jack asses alongside snippets of sexy women thrown in as commercials and teasers, I had to wonder at myself.

In my youth, I know I would have considered a channel like Spike to be a travesty. I would have looked at all the T & A and mindless aggression as contributing to the evil of the world through its objectification of women and promotion of macho culture.

Hell, I probably was right. But the fact of the matter is that at this point in my life, that's the kind of TV I like to watch. Right now I am looking at a cute, busty brunette in sexy lingerie talking to the camera. And in a few seconds it'll be the guys again pulling stupid stunts like getting kicked in the balls by a porn star or hot peppers shoved up their ass. Wait a second, it is a bit like my work, now isn't it? Especially since I invariably keep it on mute, which is as good as my trusty ball gag for keeping the peace ;-)

Indeed, it's humbling to the ego when the things that used to offend now have appeal. It makes me realize how the judgments we hold so dearly are truly subjective; dependent upon the stage of evolution we inhabit at the time.

Things are much more postmodern for me now. I try to keep my absolutism to a minimum i.e. "This is right" or "This is bad." I mean, how can I judge when I have experienced first-hand both incredible self-righteousness and a complete turnaround in how I view power dynamics?

I had been raised and steeped in the feminist tradition of seeing women as victims, interpreting every action in a bitter and strident tone. Or course, women did have it worse off. Growing up in the shadow of Hollywood in the '90s, there were no women kicking ass as action heroes or presidents or pretty much any leading role in American movies. Susan Faludi's Backlash documented this dark time. Not until Terminator 2 did we see more fierce roles for women begin to emerge.

Ironically, what I thought of as feminist attitude back then feels a lot more like victimization complex to me now. Today, I look at life from a femme domme perspective. It is so much closer to my truth than constantly scrutinizing for slights to my womanhood in every action. After all, there will always be two basic ways to interpret any given act: half full or half empty. Top or bottom. Yin or yang.

For example, a man walking a few feet in front of a woman is traditionally thought of as implying the woman is submissively following him. Can't it be equally true that he walks ahead because Mistress enjoys walking her dog that way? Or because he is a valiant knight clearing the path for his Queen? There's always at least two sides to the story. You know the one I prefer!

"Don't believe everything you think." That's a favorite saying of mine. Don't believe everything you think. And I would add "Remember to laugh and be kind."

That is what's been working for me lately. . .

Mistress Missives

Mistress Missives: Lessons on the Fine Art of Serving a Dominant Woman. A new weblog I have created to go alongside my session website. Posts will deal with issues of submissive training and etiquette, as well as more thorough explanations of my approach. It's a bit like Miss Manners for the kinky!

This new addition to my online realm allows me to share my writing with newcomers, while at the same time reserving my more casual and off-topic thoughts for here. Ah yes, building my little empire. . .

My Site Relaunch

Big news! My site is back up. It's been a nice break to be a bit more low profile, but now it's time to crank it up again. Enjoy. . .

Power Exchange Better Than Power Drain

I enjoy being served and like to keep active through out the week, squeezing sessions whenever I can into my busy schedule. At times, a submissive will express sympathy for me, telling me that it must be draining to play so much. I've heard this kind of comment more than a few times, yet it still surprises me because it's so different from how I feel.

I look at every scene I step into as an exciting new experience: perhaps a great escape, an opportunity to learn more about what it means to be human, to enforce discipline and modify behaviour, coax and control hesitant desires, or connect on extraordinary levels of sensation and awareness. My submissives are like different instruments, each one of them carrying their own unique sound which I meld into a song of twisted eroticism. And as as greater trust, understanding and good feelings are established over time, each scene represents its place in a natural, intuitive progression.

What I love about being a professional dominatrix is it doesn't feel like work. I mean, if running scenes bled me dry then how could I possibly have done this gig for the past 4 years -- and still look good and feel happy? ;-) Seriously, I'm not interested in being a victim of my circumstances. I do what I enjoy. Certainly, I enjoy challenges. But only those which help me to evolve productively. If a pleasurable activity took away from me more than it gave me, the first thing I would do is try to figure out what was wrong with the process that caused me to feel drained and then make changes accordingly. If no amount of changes worked, you can bet I'd be out of there.

Any action can be draining if it doesn't suit the person doing it. Or if there is a sense of helplessness or loss of control to the situation. That's the great thing about being a dominatrix. There's no being coy here -- I am unapologetic about my need for complete and utter control. When I've witnessed other dommes complain about how a scene went, it often comes down to a need to enforce more rules and maintain sound boundaries [Of course, first and foremost one must know oneself and be true to oneself!]. When those are in place, an authentic energy exchange can take place.

So that's how I see what I do. As an exchange, not a drain. Believe me, I'm no martyr! Though I think that is a fantasy of some, particularly those interested in Asian Mistresses. It's that Madama Butterfly fetish: a fallen yet noble geisha who remains passive to the tragedy of her sordid life. Now really, is that what you think of me? The silliest stories can make a cock hard.

Snake Sheds Skin

My snake finally shed her skin. What a relief! Her beautiful orange, cream and black scales are all shiny and new. And I can see she is longer now, as she motors around her terrarium.

It had been nearly 2 weeks of her in a lethargy. I had just come back from out of town and told myself I needed to feed her. But then she stopped slithering around like she usually does, laying still in a listless coil. Her skin turned a dull gray and her eyes clouded over. She was beginning the process of molting. I knew I would have to wait until it was over before I could feed her.

The first time she went into this more subdued state, I completely freaked out and thought she was dying or very sick. With each successive molt, I've learned to trust a little bit more that it will all work out. Indeed, this snake has taught me to have more patience.

The first time I fed her a larger-sized mouse was pure agony. I sat there watching the whole time, minutes ticking by as she struggled to get the thing down. It seemed unbelievable to me that she could actually swallow a creature that looked so much bigger than her head. I felt terrified that somehow she'd suffocate on her meal. I almost had to sit on my hands to not interfere. I had thoughts of either breaking off the dead mouse's limbs to make it easier for her to swallow or pulling the whole thing out of her jaws to replace it with a smaller one -- both of which would have shocked her system more than anything. Sometimes trying to help only makes matters worse.

Yet I knew she would do it. That was the most amazing part of the lesson for me, realizing that though it seemed an insurmountable struggle, it was not only possible but really quite ordinary in the grand scheme of things. It was probably a blessing that she doesn't possess the chattering mind of a human, so that she could be present with the challenge rather than step back and "realize" it was more than she could handle. Little by little she enveloped the mammalian beast until it disappeared down her gullet. What a great lesson.

Even holding my snake has been a learning experience. I had to learn how to hold her in a manner which just let her be. The first time I held her I gripped too tightly, so that eventually she started to spasm in this weird little "get away from me" dance. I realized I wasn't giving her room to relax and explore, by holding onto her so tightly I gave her no choice but to react against me. Now I hold her as if I am a branch swaying in the wind, and she seems to have a great time cruising around all over me.

Thankful for the Welcomes

My decision to go independent was a sudden one. I did not have a chance to inform most of my submissives. If you have not recently emailed me, I may have no way of reaching you. But please know I value your servitude and that this isn't a case of me attempting to shun anyone.

I am having a blast with my independence. Honestly, I didn't think it would make that much difference. But I am having so much fun now. It was just time for me to make a change. What I love is a greater sense of control -- over who serves me, over all aspects of the D/s experience. Of course, control is really what it's all about for me! It feels more authentic to be a Mistress this way.

I have been deeply touched by how other pro dommes in the independent community have reached out to me and welcomed me in their playspaces. What a difference to go from that peripheral awareness of each other's presence to actually being invited to play in the most well-equipped and elegant dungeons in the city. It's a wonderful feeling to know that my sisters are watching out for me and supporting me in this move.

Healing through Hurting

I was in my bodywork class, hovering over a classmate as I applied the healing knowledge we had just been taught. As I worked on him, I realized that I had never partnered up with a man before. Actually, that's not true. I had teamed up with a very nice gay Asian man during another class. But this was the first white man I'd worked on -- the typical demographic for my submissives -- and it triggered something in me. As I located the different muscle groups on his neck, I suddenly felt this overwhelming urge to beat him.

"What am I doing here?" I thought for a second. "No, it's all right," I told myself. "I'm expanding my horizons and that's a good thing." I took a few deep breaths and continued focusing my energy gently.

I decided to take this course in the healing arts for my personal growth, to push beyond my comfort zone. Rather than stay safely within my areas of expertise, I wanted to get in touch with my more nurturing side. Believe me, it has been a challenge!

For one, in my everyday existence I am not the most somatically inclined. I'm someone who lives inside my head -- thinking, imagining, planning, analyzing. Yet it has become more and more apparent to me that being centered in one's body is vital to mental clarity.

I feel that I'm already there during my D/s scenes. The play is intuitive to me and I naturally move with the flow. And so I 've wanted to grow that awareness beyond the extraordinary rush of a power exchange to everyday life. Strengthen that mind-body connection. It has been a new journey for me. And up until now I wasn't sure where this path was taking me, and whether my being Mistress would continue to fit in.

It's really two sides of the same coin. Firmness with gentleness = SM domination. Gentleness with firmness = somatic healing. The thing is my personality is so obviously biased towards the former. And today in class I realized that was OK, that I wasn't there to change or undo all that has made me who I am, that I was simply acquainting myself with a new language for relating to others.

I've wanted to be more balanced, so that I'm not "monolingual" in the sense that asserting myself as an alpha female is all that I know. [Interestingly, my major injuries have all been on my left side -- which coincides with "yin," the one half of yin-yang associated with emotions, receptivity and the feminine. It's been suggested to me that getting more in touch with my yin energy would be beneficial.] But that doesn't have to mean the demise of Mistress Xia. Long live Mistress Xia!

Wrestling with this endeavor, as someone who's so used to being teacher's pet and top of the class but now finding myself struggling to take it all in, I have gained an even greater appreciation for how much fun I have as a dominatrix. It's an unexpected side effect -- helping me realize how good I have it. After all, I can get spoiled without any perspective and forget how blessed I am.

I shared my thoughts on all this with a good friend. She laughed and said "Your healing is hurting. And you are so cute. You are the cutest bitch!" That made me smile. I used to think you couldn't be thought of as "cute" and be taken seriously as a domme. Breaking the mould. . .

Impressions from "Sin City"

Impressions from "Sin City" aka closest place to hell on earth, which manages to be pretty damn fun when chock full of porn stars!

As the madness wound down and the convention floor emptied, I ran into a fellow pro domme walking out of the small GayVN section tucked away in the corner of the expo. This stunning Los Angeles deviatrix, her look a cross between classic Betty Page and Morticia Addams, devastated in her thigh high boots and strappy leather corset. What, pray tell, was she doing here?

"I'm looking for boys to work for me," she said cooly. With a glint in her eye, she revealed her fetish for depraving men with forced bi scenes. Her eyebrows raised in excitement as she described hard-bodied boys flirting with each other all around her, pulling out her camera to show off a few prize pics she snapped.

In the photos she was a Queen surrounded by a bevy of toned and tanned twinks. Yeah, I love it when I meet fellow true believers. She was the real deal. She didn't just act the part of deviator. She lived it.

I was in sexy butch blend-in mode in my camouflage pants, platform boots and a CBGB t-shirt. My cohort, on the other hand, kept attracting the attention of the last lingering fans, who would periodically interrupt us with requests to take her picture. She flat out refused with some and gamely agreed to with others. One guy futilely asked her to show her "boobies" -- he actually used that word -- to which she sneered and slyly gave him the finger as she posed. I don't even think he noticed. I guess he wasn't looking at her fingers!

The place was practically empty when a woman from Playboy Radio came up and asked my friend if she represented the booth we happened to be standing in front of. After she said no, the woman asked if she would be willing to go on the radio to talk about whoever she represented. She thought for a second, then said "No thank you."

After the woman had left, I told my friend that we had missed an opportunity to present ourselves as a Dominatrix Dynamic Duo, ta- dah! Anyways, the only likely result of that would have been a marked increase in the number of wanker emails we receive. When it comes to my personal presentation, I come from the school of less is more. Better to maintain some mystery and distance, so that I know that those who serve me have put in some effort to find me.

We decided to continue our conversation over dinner. The closest restaurant in the Venetian was crowded with industry people and the wait was at least half an hour, so we high-tailed it to the food court. It looked like any other food court in a shopping mall, but with a few surreal touchs. As we sat there for hours trading "war stories" and sharing how we got to be the kinky bitches we are, controversial porn pioneer/scumball Max Hardcore hovered at the periphery in his trademark cowboy hat, smoozing with other insiders.

I excused myself to the bathroom. In line in front of me was an old lady talking to a very pretty blond who I recognized as Digital Playground star Jesse Jane. Despite her super-bumped up chest, she had a girl-next-door look about her, looking stylish yet not overtly sexy in jeans and a cream jacket.

The older woman, the kind of lady you can see going to church regularly in her nice little community, was asking her if she'd seen the Blue Man show playing at the Venetian. Jesse said no, that they had just come back here for ice cream. "What a nice young lady," I could just imagine the old lady thinking, "I wish my grandson were here to met her."

I marvelled at how she fit in like that. It probably made her happy to just be a sweet All American girl for a moment. When it was her turn to go, she was in and out of the stall in less than 30 seconds. "My! That was fast," said the old lady, innocently.

With my exotic kohl-lined eyes, bra-less in my red punk shirt and shit-kicking boots, I knew it was unlikely that this lady would strike up a conversation with me! Such is life. . .

Good girls. Bad girls. The games we play.

What's with Vox?

I've got a last name. It's taken me 4 years and I think it's a good one.   Vox.   Rhymes with rocks, as in Xia rocks -- and I do ;-)

It's latin for voice, which seemed especially appropriate since I love the arts of conversation and writing.   Xia Vox.   3 letters each, the first and the last -- the alpha and the omega -- an X.   Mistress Xia Vox.   Nice, huh?

It seems fitting that I should add a surname now that I'm independent. People keep sending me congratulatory emails, which I find strange. I suppose it is a sort of graduation.

I will miss the easy camraderie of other women I had at The Gates. To me, that is still the ideal environment: a chamber of women hungry to control men.

I wish I could have stayed. Schedule constraints and other pursuits made me more jealous of my time. And of course, I wanted to establish a more appropriate tribute for my skills, experience and power.

And so here we are now. I anticipate it will be a fun and illuminating next chapter in my pro domme career. New challenges excite me.

#

A guilty pleasure I picked up at the expo in Vegas: Scotty JX's Actiongirls.com Vol. 3 DVD.

ATTN:if your email address is "Xia's slave"

OK this has happened a couple of times so I want to address it. In the past as well as more recently, a few of you have sent me messages from email addresses that included an apostrophe i.e. "Xia's slave." Somehow you are able to send out messages from this address, but whenever I try to reply it just bounces back. I think apostrophes are not really valid in an email address. So if you have not received a reply, it is not because I am ignoring you!

To each Her own

I confess to being in Vegas this past weekend for the AVN awards. I've always been fascinated with the porn industry and I hadn't hung out with anyone in this biz in years. I figured now or never, and I'm glad I did. It was a blast catching up with folks I'd met in the past, getting acquainted with new faces, and just playing the fan to some of the bigger-name talent.

Several years ago, before I embarked on my pro domme career, I had gone on an all-inclusive vacation in the Tropics that featured porn stars shooting scenes morning, noon and night all over the resort. It was wild to watch and fun to party with these sexual athletes. I gained new respect for the men and women in this profession. They had to have the stamina to go for literally hours, the strength to stay in positions that surely burned their muscles, and the savviness to look carefree and hot while doing it.

At the convention festivities in Vegas, I was surprised to discover that many of the women in porn I talked to had tried their hand at professional domination. One beautiful blonde told me she had worked at The Chateau in LA for years. Another cinnamon vixen spoke enthusiastically of a scene she had done for a local SM website. Yet almost every woman I spoke to felt that BDSM was too emotionally draining for them. That was my second surprise. BDSM emotionally draining? For me, it is re-energizing. It's a vital outlet for my darker tendencies -- turning pain into beauty and feeling alive because of it. I have those heavy forces within me and they have to go somewhere. Better put towards creative, fruitful and exhilarating exchanges than anywhere else! Well, I suppose that's why they're porn stars and I'm the dominatrix. To each Her own. And I do own it :-}

Taking Sessions at the Inner Sanctum

I am back in town and available starting this week. I am taking sessions at the Inner Sanctum dungeon in the Mission district of San Francisco. Feel free to email me with inquiries: xia.bdsm@gmail.com

Yes, I am still keeping up this blog. If you have found it, consider yourself fortunate! I will not have a link to it on my new site, but may still post more personal musings here just for the hell of it. I think this will be a good place to start up random riffs -- publishing bits and pieces here helps inspire me as I work on longer-term projects. There is definitely something motivating about knowing I am reaching an audience immediately with my writing. Ah, instant gratification.

Independence

As promised, more changes. After four and a half great years at The Gates, I will be taking my final sessions there tomorrow. But wait! There is hope :-) I will be continuing to practice my craft out of a privately-run dungeon in San Francisco.

Though my website is still in the works, I will have a new Eros ad up on the 16th. I will be continuing to utilize email as my primary mode of communication. Feel free to reach me this way with inquiries. Note that my personal schedule affords me limited hours of availability for sessions, which I will conduct during weekdays only. Priority may be given to those currently serving me.

I will be out of town and unavailable this Thursday the 11th until Monday the 15th.

Transitions

Climbing up on Solsbury Hill
I could see the city light
Wind was blowing, time stood still
Eagle flew out of the night
He was something to observe
Came in close, I heard a voice
Standing stretching every nerve
Had to listen had no choice
I did not believe the information
Just had to trust imagination
My heart going boom boom boom
"Son," he said "Grab your things,
I've come to take you home."

-Peter Gabriel, "Solsbury Hill"


Change and growth were the hallmarks of 2006 for me. The new year looks like it will also be a time of transition, transformation and new beginnings.

I feel that I have come so far as a domina. I am now at a turning point. My new website is in the works. And there are more changes in the air.

In re-building my site, I am starting from the ground up to reflect all that I have become. In its previous incarnation, it had grown into a labyrinthian creature -- almost 20 pages in total, with many hidden pages tucked in here and there. In its new form it will be honed down to a few simple, elegant pages. You will see. . .

As I contemplate my future as a domina, I have pondered the place of this blog. I must admit it isn't clear to me if there is one moving forward. I started this blog in 2003 and it has been a joy to write and get such wonderfully positive feedback.

Blogging has reinvigorated my interest in writing about the world in general, not simply femme domination (which you may have noticed from my recent off-topic posts!). I am grateful for the encouragement and compliments I have received, which has helped motivate me to commit to longer-term writing projects.

Yet lately I have realized that I no longer feel it is appropriate to share in this way with new submissives - that is, people who have not yet met and served me. Not that it was wrong before. I am simply in a new state of mind about my role as a Mistress. A new stage in my evolution.

And so I will leave this blog online to be perused by those who encounter it. I will start up a new one to go along with my new site, though it will likely take on an entirely different tone. I am envisioning posting mainly on topics such as proper etiquette towards the Mistress.

Happy New Year Everyone! Live, Love, Laugh. Here's to a great '007.

Revamping My Website

You may have noticed that the usual pages to Xia-BDSM.com are missing. Since I launched it in '03, it has gone through several incarnations and lots of ongoing tweaks. This time I decided to take the whole thing down while I revamp it. I am basically overhauling the entire site to more accurately reflect where I am as a dominatrix.

I am privileged to have such a wonderful stable of submissives who serve me regularly. They have spoiled me with their kindness, generosity and thoughtfulness. And as I have become more seasoned and sophisticated as a Mistress, it only makes sense that I have in turn grown more selective and demanding of new applicants. I am crafting my site to reflect this new reality.

I took the old site down in the meantime in part because I wanted to stem the tide of inquiries of a disrespectful nature. The kind which use crass language and explicit sexual descriptions, implying a baseless familiarity along with undisciplined and unnegotiated luridness. It is unfortunate that some feel there are no boundaries involved in this play. Or that simply because I am a professional involved in an erotic exchange, I should be delighted to read graphic scenarios from perfect strangers.

In an ideal world, a Mistress could present beautiful images which reflect her many facets: sensual, strong, demanding, giving. Yet I have come to realize that certain images and phrases attract the wrong kind of attention, leading to a false sense of intimacy. And so these considerations also play a part in the re-working of my site.

Re-thinking my online presentation is an exciting challenge. Stay tuned. I'll have the site up again in a few weeks. But I am taking my sweet time. For it's the process itself which I savor -- a journey of exploring, learning and discovering myself as Mistress.

Blessings

Healing

A great martial arts master once said that a true warrior will spend as much time learning how to heal as she does learning how to fight. And it is also said that true strength comes from working on one's weaknesses. Balancing yin and yang, we can more fully embrace the subtlety and complexities of life.

So with this in mind, I have embarked on a journey of learning the healing arts alongside my continued explorations as a domme. I have said before that being a dominatrix comes quite naturally to me. Ever since I can remember, I have been an assertive, strong-willed and confident person. These qualities serve me well in my work as a dominant. And now I feel compelled to broaden my outlook, pushing the boundaries of my comfort zone and allowing myself to get in touch with a more nurturing side.

I have come to realize how my own desire to appear "strong" has influenced my choices in life. I exuded a steely hardness in my personality so as not to be perceived as a fragile, weak, or any of the other adjectives we too often associate with femininity.

Yet lately I have come to question this conventional view of strength vs. weakness and consequently how I have embodied dominance in my craft. Have I simply internalized the sort of oppression that we have only recently started to shed? Does my power have to rely on the subjugation of another's will?

Perhaps dominance does not simply have to be a reversal of male dominance, but can be a complete re-defining of power dynamics. I am far from clear what that new definition would be. But I am excited to pursue this new line of inquiry.

It's strange though, how fear of change still nags me. I have been so successfully rewarded for being the way that I am, that a little part of me clings to it. I have cultivated that which makes me different from most women -- my emotional stoicism; my boldness regarding sexual matters; my lack of interest in traditionally "girly" things like make-up, the color pink or women's magazines; my disdain for hearing perfectly fine-looking women show their insecurity when talking about their looks and weight. I cringe at the thought of losing my uniqueness. Yet in the end, I know that my evolution will not take away from who I already am, only build upon it, enhancing the best aspects while shedding vestiges of a more immature self.

Of course, there is a time and place for developing traits of tenderness, a soft touch and healing energy. Just as the warrior knows that the time to heal is not in the heat of battle, I doubt I will be directly incorporating my new knowledge into my SM scenes. Indirectly, I look forward to an increased awareness of how energy plays a role in power exchange and even greater empathy towards my submissives. But this is all conjecture, for where this takes me has yet to be written.

Wide open to the possibilities. . .

On Beauty

Hmm.... I do not like this term "provider", at least not referring to me. I actually cringe at the thought that I am a service provider, and continue to move further away from this conception of my craft as I rely less on the income it generates for me.

I suppose that is the unadulterated ideal of a Mistress anyway: one who indulges in these daliances purely for her own enjoyment rather than for financial gain or the approval of men. And really, that is how it started out for me.

You see, I was a bit naive when I embarked on this career and did not know about the online review system. Seeing my work framed in this way -- lumped together with more explicit sex workers, my face and body rated on a scale of 1-10, feeling spyed upon in an imtimate situation -- it was earth-shattering at the time.

Ah well, casting away the illusions which we hold so dear is vital to one's growth, painful as it may be. It did make me face my Achilles heel, which I am sure many women share with me, namely a vulnerability to male judgment of my looks. From the time we are little girls, we are taught that our worth is inextricably connected with being pretty.

Women who do not subject themselves to the glare of criticism may never face this fact because they usually only see the positive side of it. Yet I have learned that accepting validation through rosy appraisals of my appearance only makes me open to feelings of rejection should any less-than-stellar assessment creep into my consciousness.

Now my typical response to compliments on my looks is "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." I mean, why should I be pleased that I am judged better than other women on this superficial front? Like some tap dance for the spotlight, elbowing each other as we say to the men "No, look at me!"

Beauty is so unique. Yet by turning it into a competition we encourage homogenization and standardization to the point of boring "perfection." And anyways, I no longer accept the authority of those who seek to judge me on this surface level.

More on Closed Doors

I received an interesting response from one of my submissives about my last post "Why I Keep It All Behind Closed Doors." He wrote about how in meeting outside the dungeon it would be impossible either to fully acknowledge or completely ignore the D/s nature of the relationship, making for an awkward and ultimately unfulfilling exchange.

I think what makes it particularly challenging is the fact that, for better or worse, we do not live in a femme domme world.

In public, or even in a private setting that is purely vanilla, there is a strong pull towards conventional male-female dynamics. These patterns are so deeply engrained in all of us that they can be hard to escape. When one is surrounded by the manifestations of male dominance, interacting with others who are working on this assumption (e.g. in a dinner setting, the waiter may automatically confer with the man when taking the order), it can be a struggle to preserve the integrity and dignity of a true femme domme experience.

Obviously, a case can be made for attempting to break some of these patterns and illuminate another template for gender power dynamics. Yet I think there is a time and place for such things -- not necessarily when Mistress is attempting to enjoy her dinner or engage in a scene!

I see the dungeon as a refuge from the male-dominated world. A place where my power as a woman is not questioned, but rather assumed as my birth right and cherished as such. We create an alternate reality and revel in it.

It reminds me of how I feel during Pride week in San Francisco. Though I do not identify primarily as queer, I am always overwhelmed with feelings of hope, joy and love when I am in the middle of these festivities. Because for one weekend, it's OK to be sexually different. And everywhere you look, us freaks are getting it on! The outside world is turned on its head, and for a few days you can vividly imagine what it would be like to have an alternate reality be the predominant way of life.

Why I Keep It All Behind Closed Doors

I thought the following might be instructive. . .

The former slave who I talk on the phone with on a rare occasion is not allowed to session with me (the erotic part of the connection feels strange now that I know him as a friend). Other experiments in offsite meetings have all fallen flat and ended. It seems much more difficult for that Mistress-slave connection to remain tenable in the world outside of The Gates. I have tried, believe me. But it has just been a hassle, needless misunderstanding and waste of perfectly fine relationships that are meant to remain within a dungeon setting. "Xia" does not really exist once I step out the door. This is an aspect of my personality I value, even hold sacred, and cherish within the protective chambers of my lair. It is like a plant that requires very specific environmental conditions, so that once it is taken out of the hothouse it quickly shrivels up and dies. . .

"The Insightful Domme"

As I am sure so many of you do, I occasionally google my name to see what comes up. It's quite gratifying when I find that my blog entries are being quoted on other sites.

I am mentioned and quoted in Femdom Weblogs & Forums, which states that I am "among the more self-insightful and eloquent professional dominatrices."

DownOnMyKnees.com: Kink Notes by a Pansexual Polyfetishist also quotes my blog, referring to me as an example of the "insightful ProDomme."

In Femdom Blogs, a post of mine is excerpted under the heading "BDSM's Advantage: Clear Communication."

One thing that I'd still like to find out is what kind of traffic I am generating with my blog. My Alexa toolbar only shows me the ranking for the entire Blogger network, but I am sure with a little more research I can figure this out as well...

Yup Google Analytics looks like the way to go!

New Gates Profile

Mistress appreciates all the wonderful birthday wishes!

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I recently updated my description on The Gates site to more accurately reflect my current stage of development as a domina. This summer was a time for me to step back, reflect and push forward in my evolution as a powerful, well-rounded woman of the world. I love that this craft allows me room to expand and diversify my interests, pursue new approaches and refine tried and true favorites.

My focus now is on honest connections, rather than mere fantasy roleplay. Mind you, I still believe that assuming different roles can be a liberating experience. Yet these avatars should serve to shine a light on one's own personal truth rather than enable further running away from the unpalatable or shame-ridden. We learn to embrace ourselves in all our wretched glory and celebrate the strange beauty of our existence.

Whenever I enter a new phase of my growth as a dominant I must brace myself for that groundless feeling of not knowing. Will there be submissives who are ready and willing to accept my new powers? I can never know. I can only have faith that I must move forward. And so far, I have been fortunate to find thoughtful and caring individuals who feel privileged to embark in this dance of power with me.

Here is my new Gates text:

Delve into sweet submission in my seasoned hands. Sophisticated, intuitive, alluring, my stunning Eurasian beauty and powerful presence will bring you to your knees.

Wielding absolute control over my submissives, I combine devious discipline with precious rewards in my slave training. Adept at both mind games and sensation play, I am driven to explore the intensity of sadomasochism alongside the delicious control of psychological and physical restraint. Sexuality, gender and power form the rich territory of my decadent playground.

Succumb to the feminine divine and bow down to a true goddess!

My knowledge and experience shines through in my naturally seductive, commanding style and the ease with which I engage in a diversity of approaches to hold slaves in my thrall. I excel at tapping into myriad layers of desire, claiming darkly sensual yearnings and beautifully twisted fantasies as my own.

Picture this. . . Purring a teasing taunt in my captive's ear, a throaty laugh escapes from my luscious lips as I coax my submissive to new heights of pleasure and pain. With a firm hand I grab my slave, moving in closer as my hot breath tantalizes the senses, throwing him off for what comes next. . .

My power is subtle yet unyielding as I pursue my passion for the perverse with excellence and elegance. No doubt, serving me will be a wickedly memorable experience. Surrender to the extraordinary woman that I am and discover the ecstatic joy of a bittersweet release.

Favorite Activities:

Slave Training
Sadomasochism
Rewards & Discipline
Corporal Punishment
Bondage & Restraint
NT & CBT
Roleplays & Psychodrama
Face-slapping & Hair-pulling
Light Breath Play & Choking
Electroplay (TENS & Violet Wand)
Sensory Deprivation
Behavior Modification
Firm Control
Abandonment
Gender Play
Foot Worship
Fetishes

All Star Doms Interview

Goddess Calico of All Star Fem Doms recently interviewed me. You can read it here.

Have a wonderful day!

Coming out as a Dominatrix

It feels so good to "come out" as a domme. Not to everyone, mind you. I appreciate that my mysterious image allows me the choice of who to let in on the secret. Yet when it's right, it feels so liberating!

There are people in my life who do not know what I do for a living. I tell people when necessary. Yet in the end, those who know me best know that I am a dominatrix. It is such a big part of my life that I want to share it with those closest to me. So it was with this in mind that I revealed my vocation to a wonderful woman who I have known for years on a social basis. We met through mutual friends in the party circuit. In that environment, it can be hard to casually throw out this information. It becomes such the focus of fascination, drawing in everyone in the immediate vicinity in a way I am not always comfortable with. Yet I knew if I was ever to connect with her on a deeper level, I would need to open up to her.

So when she called me up to invite me to a dinner party, something inside me told me it was the right time to reveal myself. The timing was fateful indeed, as she and I seem to be at similar crossroads with our work, which both entail balancing creativity with business acumen. And now that she knows what I do, she has offered to contribute her talents to further refine my online presentation. So it's all worked out for the best!

Truth be told, not every "coming out" story has turned out so well for me. That's why I now proceed with forethought and discretion in these matters, allowing my intuition to lead the way. It isn't that I am ashamed of what I do. But I know not everyone is ready for my truth.

SM is good for the soul!

I had a wonderfully languid yet hard-driving scene the other day. It was over two hours of sadomasochism and sensory deprivation play. Delivering intense sensations to a cherished submissive in a quiet, calm manner over a generous period of time achieved an amazing sense of release for me -- and I believe for my slave as well. What a special and unique experience to be able to act out aggression and suffering in such a controlled and deeply caring way. I truly consider it a gift for all involved.

There are times when a scene I am in nudges me toward some breakthrough in my growth, giving the key to a fresh insight. It almost always surprises me. Perhaps it's my very lack of expectation, along with an openness to understanding, that leads me to uncover these truths.

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I recently added my blog to the Technorati network (see my new sidebar). Spreading the word! In the same vein, I was motivated to "come out of the closet" as a dominatrix to a former publisher and editor from my previous life as a journalist. I am interested in reaching out to a wider audience, so we will see what comes of it. Baring my soul was terrifying at the time, but afterwards I felt relief -- lighter and freer :-)

All Hallow's Eve

Autumn is in the air. That cool, crisp moistness blowing through the breeze. Darkness descending upon the days.

The change of seasons is not such a dramatic shift on the west coast, yet it still seems momentous to me. "Feels like fall." Something about that phrase flows so well for me. Maybe it's that my favorite holiday, Halloween, is just around the corner. And then my birthday arrives a few days after that. El Dia de Los Muertos is a pretty cool day to be born, if I do say so myself!

Halloween is such a fun holiday because it's the one day where I come out as a dominatrix -- and everyone just thinks I'm kidding, anyway! I get to reveal a side of myself I usually am quite private and protective of, and it feels liberating ane exhilarating. All right, maybe it's not the most original costume for yours truly. But come on, I have so many awesome fetish outfits and it's nice to don them on occasion outside the dungeon :-)

Last year I went to a big party dressed up in my black latex along with a girlfriend on a leash. What a reaction the two of us generated all night! Most people were intrigued by this set-up. A few playfully challenged the dynamic by trying to flirt with my collared friend. As the evening wore on, more men came directly up to me -- perhaps the liquor having emboldened them to reveal their hidden desire to submit. We had a blast adding a little twist to the vanilla sexiness all around us. Display of sexual possession on that level definitely peaks people's interest.

So the next time you are at a costumed affair and there is a vinyl-clad vixen amongst the crowd, just think... She might not just be playing at the role for one night, she may be the real deal ;-}

Xia-BDSM.com temporarily unavailable

Hello Lovelies :-) Don't be alarmed when you check out my main site! It is down for technical maintenance and should be back up in the next day or so. . .

Lifestyler?

I have never claimed to be a lifestyle dominatrix. I am not a regular
attendee of BDSM play parties at the Citadel or other semi-public playspaces
(I prefer private scenes without an audience. I am not a performer on that
level). I socialize with a select few in the pervy community but I do not
adhere to slave-Mistress protocol in everyday situations or believe in 24/7
total power exchange relationships.

Yet nothing that I do in a session is disingenuous. It is reflective of who
I really am: a strong, independent and kinky woman who is beholden only to
myself. Though I may not utilize the same formal structures of the
dominance/submission dynamic in my day to day life, I am anything but
vanilla or submissive in the way most women have been trained to be --
whether they like to admit it or not.

My life outside The Gates both mirrors and is the inverse of my life as a
Mistress. At The Gates, I have a stable of slaves who serve me well. I
craft a unique connection with every person who serves me. I share my
energy with these individuals, yet none possesses me. And though we may
actively exchange emails between sessions, at the end of the scene we each
go back to our respective lives.

Outside of the dungeon I am a committed polyamorist. I engage in multiple,
long-term relationships with enlightened women and men. Jealousy is a
virtual non-issue because we are secure in ourselves and do not cling to a
sense of attachment. Certainly, there are obligations as there are in all
relationships but there is also a sense of liberation -- the feeling that
one wakes up each day and chooses to be with the people one is with.
I believe this web of parallel relationships, each person occupying a
special niche in one's life, can be immensely fulfilling.

One may be reading this and thinking, "Wait a minute. If you believe in
freedom in relationships how can you also enjoy the idea of enslaving
another to your will?" This is where gender comes in. I have often
commiserated with other amazing women how too many men have felt threatened
by our power, intelligence, beauty and sexuality -- all that we are, all
that makes us great -- and therefore react by belittling our
accomplishments, criticizing our decisions and just generally trying to make
us feel small.

At one point, I thought I would give up completely on the entire male
persuasion. But then I found a better solution. If they weren't willing to
treat me as a true equal, then I would teach them a lesson in subjugation.
Give them a taste of their own medicine. And have wicked fun in the
process!

I acted out this desire to even the score well before the thought of
becoming a dominatrix was on my radar. It manifested as a fuck 'em and
leave 'em attitude, where I'd literally kick a guy out of bed. I wanted to beat him to the punch, get him far away before he started with that annoying yet predictable possessiveness. It's like they've staked their flag in the ground and feel the need to start pissing on you to mark their territory. Yawn. I never
dated and only had one night stands because I figured men were only good for
one thing!

Obviously, my reason for being a Mistress has expanded since that initial
concept. I definitely still mine those bittersweet emotions of a voice
stifled and misheard, but is isn't all about revenge anymore. Thanks to my
own evolution as a domme and as a person -- as evident in this blog, my
website and my actual sessions -- the vast majority of those who see me are
pretty awesome people.

I continue to find the femme domme dynamic so compelling in large part
because it begins with the assumption that I am in control and I can make my
own rules. And no matter whether I am in the dungeon or outside in the
"real" world, that's what works for me.

©2006 Xia Vox. All Rights Reserved.

Witch

I sometimes feel like if I were born in another time I would have been branded a witch. For my unwillingness to submit to a man, for the strength of my character, for my confidence in my own abilities, for my unapologetic hunger for the sensual, for my fierce intelligence and for my intuitive powers of seduction. I imagine being branded the devil's consort and condemned for fear of the world I represent.

It never ceases to amaze me how some men who have seen me seem to think that behind my role as dominatrix lies a simple, conventional woman. That I am really just waiting for the right man -- a knight in shining armor to save me from this debauchery.

I have known for a long time that I am not like most women. And I don't say this because I believe I am better than the norm. I don't mean to demean the many women out there who strive to find a husband, dream of walking down the aisle in a white dress like a princess, and fetishize the role of wife and mother. Obviously this fantasy plays an important part in our society, otherwise it wouldn't have withstood the changes which have taken place since the feminist movement of the '70s.

I think it's much easier for men to exempt a woman from all the backward, traditional rituals which still make up modern male-female interactions when the woman calls herself a lesbian. And I know other dommes who, though they may sleep with men as well as women, define themself as queer. Yet somehow this seems to avoid the main issue to me: that there is another way for men and women to interact intimately. That even if a woman enjoys being erotic with a man, that doesn't necessarily mean she wants to be wined and dined, given flowers and candy, her precious beauty flattered endlessly, her very being treated like a prized possession waiting to be taken. These trappings of romance do little for me if not outright offend my sensibilities.

At times I like to think of myself as a gay man in a woman's body. When I visualize my dealings with men in an almost non-gendered way, I feel the most power. The dogma underlying how a woman is expected to act with a man is inculcated in all of us from day one. I find myself having to remain constantly vigilant of its creep. It's a sad reality that sometimes the more familiar a slave becomes with me, the more he thinks he can relax back into an everyday male-female dynamic, which by virtue of our patriarchal society is more male domme than femme domme or even equal. And so there is continual correction of this behaviour, shifting the energy back into these roles which I find so much more appealing in the first place.

Well, don't lament too much for me. I feel fortunate to have created a space (online and in the dungeon) to express how I feel things should be -- if not for everyone, at least for me!

©2006 Xia Vox. All Rights Reserved.

Luscious Ladies in our Lovely Latex

One of the things I most appreciate about what I do is being able to play with individuals who I might not get a chance to interact with in the "real world." Don't get me wrong. It's not that I'm a snob outside of the dungeon. It's more that we all inhabit our insular little circles -- by necessity and choice -- and that there just aren't the same opportunities to get acquainted with so many different types of people with such interesting and varied backgrounds. It's a nice haven from all those structures and social rules which keep us on our various tracks.

I used to be trapped in the belief that all relationships have to be completely reciprocal. That the only way one could be balanced was to have each one-on-one dynamic perfectly balanced. Now I take a most wholistic view, with my various interactions occupying the niches necessary to achieve an overall symmetry. Life is so much more complicated than the easy answers.

In the past I have written about being a responsible top by asking oneself the question, "Would I want that done to me?" The answer does not always have to be a straight yes to work. Sometimes, the answer is more like, "No, I wouldn't want to be treated like that. Yet that is exactly how women have been put down, held back and restrained through out history, and I want to show this man what it feels like so he can understand, empathize and thereby grow in awareness." Female domination allows the male submissive an opportunity to practice symbolic repentance, atonement and ecstatic catharsis for the traditional suppression of women's natural powers.

When I think about being a Mistress or Master, my ideal often falls into the vein of Eastern martial arts and spiritual masters. Those who have mastered themselves through self-discipline, control over one's emotions, and self-reflection. With BDSM play, I envision a balance of the placid, serene qualities of truly being at ease along with the more wild, driving and fierce energies which exist within and all around each of us. So once again, each engagement may swing the pendulum from one extreme to another, yet the whole encompasses an overarching equilibrium.

It poses an interesting challenge in this work: to dominate from a place of pure intentions, compassion and lovingkindness. Whether one comes from a place of healthy play or dysfunction, I have seen that one can be successful. Like attracts like as we mirror each other's hidden pains, secret aspirations and basic sense of self.

In this way, letting one's ethics lapse can be a downward spiral - negative elements can cling and pull one down even further. The hope is that it won't be too long before one surfaces with the realization: I need to clean house! I admit to having gone through this on several occasions. What is pretty amazing about this work is the incredible range of play within its borders, which makes it relatively easy to shift from one way of being to another. The trickier part is keeping one's heart open in whatever one's current incarnation.

Cruelty is a characteristic which is often considered a positive in this line of work. Yet to me, cruelty with callousness, without forethought or reflection, is more of an energy drain than an energy exchange. Empathy is key. It allows me to enjoy the ride along with the submissive, but also tells me when we are treading on psychologically dangerous territory.

A simple question to ask oneself when topping: Would it be OK if someone did that to me? Even if you are strictly domme and never switch, the question is still valid. It cuts to heart of the matter. Namely, am I acting in a humane way? Top or bottom, domme or sub -- we are all still human.

Indeed, cruelty is a trait which I possess in good measure. I would like to think I am proficient at controlling my sadistic urges in a manner befitting my position. I do feel very fortunate to have this outlet.

Four years of sessioning on average seven times a week. That's a lot of scenes. Countless intense, intimate and magical encounters with the known and unknown. It makes sense to me that I learn at an exponential rate because of the gift of these wealth of experiences. I know that if I hadn't found this vocation, it would have come out anyway -- the scheming, erotically ravenous side of me. But it would probably not be as consciously articulated, as wholesomely contained, or as embraced and celebrated!

I have seen others who have subjected themselves to the seedier side of sex work for years. By the time they say "Enough!" there is so much heaviness there, the baggage left behind from a world of pain. It's not necessarily that the work they chose was inherently exploitative and degrading (though that is debatable -- I for one, could only do what I do!). Rather, it was as much about how they approached it as anything else. I have seen the cycle. The money that's so good for the amount of time put in, it makes all other work seem less desirable. The alcohol or drugs used to numb the discontent. The disassociation with what one is doing. Then the anger at all who participated, including oneself. I have seen these ladies finally end up in the pro domme arena, ready to take it all out on the men. And I actually think it's not a half-bad way to go. Working out one's issues in this way can be empowering and even fun. What is of utmost importance, in the big picture, is approaching it all with a sense of gentleness and compassion towards oneself and one's play partners.

Hey "extended" slave -- your email is bouncing! I will be at The Gates until 6 today.

Catching Up on Emails

I've been completely swamped and am a couple weeks behind on returning emails from new people. As you may have guessed, I get a lot of inquiries as well as spam! The appointment line at The Gates can be a helpful source of information as well - 510.261.7243.

If we are to survive, we must reinvent cultural practices that satisfy our deep-rooted need for non-ordinary states, interpersonal bonding, and the intensification of both our individuality and our tribal belonging. we must create contemporary forms of sacred pursuits that are at least as engaging, enlivening, and complex as war, and which, more importantly, engender life, thriving communities, healthy natural environments, genuine education, joyful service, soulful maturity, cultural evolution, and love.

Soulcraft: Crossing the Mysteries of Nature and Psyche
Bill Plotkin, Ph.D.

I have been a spiritual seeker and BDSM player for some time now. The issue of how the two fit together is still not entirely clear to me. Admittedly, I keep my work affairs to myself when around my yoga and meditation brethren. But there is no shame there on my part. It's more that there is so much misunderstanding about this kind of play that I'd rather not get into it at those moments. Yet I am not a believer in an absolute world who is simply turning a blind eye to a state of dissonance. It would be too easy to say that BDSM play, because it incorporates so many elements associated with the aesthetics of evil-doers, is incongruent with peaceful, positive personal growth.

Perhaps a case can be made that BDSM play makes for a convenient hiding place for dysfunction. I have seen evidence of abdication of personal responsibility and mindless cruelty, particularly within the community which define themselves as lifestylers (the idea of manifesting outwardly inequal power dynamics on a permanent basis seems to be a central stumbling block). Certainly, as in all relationships, there needs to be vigilance and mindfulness to stop the slide into unhealthy co-dependencies.

Yet this is balanced by the advantage of greater and more clear communication than more traditional relationships. Negotiation is key in a typical BDSM interaction. Play partners discuss their desires, limits, concerns and state of mind before delving into a scene. This level of premeditation is rare in most vanilla versions of sensual power play -- and as far as I am concerned, all sex is power play. The darkness may still come out, but the shyness, shame and fear which prevented an open discussion beforehand makes it that much more likely that someone will leave feeling hurt, disrespected or misunderstood. In good BDSM play the darkness is negotiated, channelled and controlled. It is not denied. Rather, it is given space to breathe its fire.

I have been struck how in both the realms of spiritual exploration and BDSM play, one seeks out a connection to the divine and mystical. One shirks off the limitations of the individual self, giving in to greater forces at work. And in both, there can be a frustrating desire to find salvation through the power of another -- be it a deity or your "owner" -- when the truth is we all can only save ourselves.

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Some more thoughts on this...

I was talking with a surfer who, at my behest, was regaling me with his own version of "war stories" from his time on the water. He is a BDSM player too, so as he spoke of these immense waves with their ferocious beauty he also related the experience to submission to a Mistress. How at some point the resistance stops and you just have to let go or be pummeled into the ground. He also talked about how important it is to be mindful when you are out there, to let the ego rest and be in tune with the endless flow.

Surfing, women's power, and spirituality. Teasing the big picture out of my head...

As women, we are deeply attuned to the forces of nature. Our very cycle is aligned with that of the earth's moon. And each month we bleed, we are reminded of our true animal nature: of the smell of the soil, the flow of rivers, these mortal coils we inhabit, and life itself.

Bill Plotkin's Soulcraft and other works view the shift long ago from matriarchal, goddess-worshipping societies to the current patriarchal paradigm as the denial and outright castigation of the infinite mysteriousness of natural creation and feminine wildness. The words "soiled" and "dirty" take on negative meanings in this new world, as does the very act of sex. Women's innate powers are suppressed and dismissed.

In the Philippines, before the Spanish came, women were the mystics and healers of their communities. Their special bond with nature and their keen intuitive powers were acknowledged and elevated into central, decision-making roles within the village. These roles were overtaken by the arrival of the priests with their western medicine and mutually exclusive religion. Yet that was only 600 years ago. One can still see the power of women evident in Filipino culture, where there have been two women presidents and Mother Mary is always in the background.

Women's wrath as a force of nature. Seeing a dominatrix as an act of primal submission, as a metaphor of one's submission to the forces of the universe. Harkening back to a time when the sacred and sexual were not separate and polarized. When ecstasy of the body and spirit could be one and the same. When heaven was a place on Mother Earth.

I love nerds. I come from a family of nerds. Introverted and introspective, yet highly articulate (you know that nerd tendency to talk too loud? A few of my brothers have it). Into science fiction and fantasy, comic books and anime, computers and tech, as well as arthouse movies and liberal counterculture. Beyond the glamour and the feminine affections, I am a nerd at heart :-)

I've been venting in recent posts. Perhaps I am alarming some of you? No, I am not turning into a man-hating domme. But I think it's important to express oneself honestly. If darker emotions surface, one should not flinch. Rather, one should embrace and explore the meaning behind it, thereby growing larger in one's perspective. And besides, it is my truth and it is real.

What's interesting is how after I write a blog which is critical in one way or another about men, I find that some of my more thoughtful and sensitive slaves will write to me to commiserate. It's ironic because these are the men who already get it on some level. So no need to apologize for all the rest!

And no, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be submissive sometimes. It can be just fun. For a woman, this is too often the assumed state of being. So I rebel against that. But for a man, it is a very brave thing indeed to step into one's submissiveness.

When it comes to porn with a little kink in it, no one does it better than the Europeans. I don't know if it's because of our Puritan beginnings, but when Americans try to do it kinky it often just looks silly.

I've seen two gonzo-style porns lately where the man has sex with the woman's armpit. That's right. Putting the stud's cock between her upper arm and side, then pumping it in and out. Of course, she moans like it's the hottest thing ever. Must've been hard not to laugh!

How about this for absurd? I saw this one vid where the woman sucks up semen from the other lady's ass with a straw, spits it out onto a table, makes rails out of it with a credit card, snorts it up her nose, then shoots it out onto the camera lens. Nice. Now that's a real turn on ;-)

"Let me see the piercings on your ear," she said to her friend, a beautiful blonde Brasilian woman who pulled back her long hair to reveal her lobe. "Oh yeah I like that one up high. Nice jewelry too."

"I never take it out."

"I'm the same way. I never take any of my piercings out either." Pointing to her belly button, "This one I've had since '95. Same niobium ring."

"Navel hurts the most!"

"Yeah but the great thing about piercings is once they're in, you'll never lose them. I can't stand wearings rings or bracelets. After a while my fingers feel too swollen and my wrist feels like the circulation is getting cut off. When I'm drunk i just end up taking them off and forgetting about them."

"I know. I'm the same way."

"So you guys don't like being cuffed, but getting pierced is fine?" a third friend interjected.

"Ha ha. Hate being cuffed, but don't mind being penetrated. That's it!"

Eastbound Bay Bridge Closed Monday

Just wanted to alert anyone who is planning on seeing me this coming Monday the 4th that the Eastbound section of the Bay Bridge from San Francisco to the East Bay will be closed Friday midnight to Tuesday 5am. The BART subway train is probably going to be the best way to get to The Gates from the City.

End of Summer break

I'll be taking a vacation next week as I'm making the most of this beautiful summer before it's over! I hope everyone enjoys the upcoming long weekend. I'll actually be back at The Gates on Labor Day Monday - a rare opportunity to see me on a holiday. Take care and stay kinky...

Alternate Email

Oh yeah, make sure not to open that video from my prior posting in the office. heh heh.

I have been asked if I have an alternate email address that isn't obviously kinky. Though I prefer you send messages to xia.bdsm@gmail.com, if all else fails you can reach me at test012345@yahoo.com.

Though I don't do much slut training these days, I still found this video to be laugh-out-loud funny!

I must admit I have been very busy with all the other things that make up my life besides professional domination. Soul-searching and spiritual explorations, getting in shape and taking it to the next level, travelling, enjoying the beautiful summer weather at outdoor day parties and in nature, hanging out with my best mates and re-connecting with old friends, challenging my fears and hang-ups, as well as embarking on a large-scale creative project.

Although some of you may be disappointed to know that Mistress' life does not always revolve around the dungeon, I think most of you will agree that a truly well-rounded woman is a more powerful dominatrix.

I am supremely grateful to my loyal stable for supporting me in my endeavors. I feel so fortunate that this path allows me the time and comfort to focus on my artistic aspirations.

©2006 Xia Vox. All Rights Reserved.

Schedule Add: Monday 14th 10am-5pm

FYI -- I'll be at The Gates Monday the 14th 10am-5pm instead of Friday the 18th.